Forget Christmas, Easter or that one day we're allowed to be unchained from our desks for 30 minutes, Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list is always our favourite time of year.
Once a year at the start of January, thousand-year-old Mr Blackwell is temporarily defrosted from his diamante-studded cryogenic chamber, flicks through a few celebrity magazines and then lists the ten worst-dressed people of the year, spending extra-special time to make sure each celebrity description sounds like some sort of froth-mouthed witch's incantation.
And this year we'd like to advise Victoria Beckham not to read Mr Blackwell's list. That's assuming she can read, of course, which we'll admit is a stretch.
Mr Blackwell has a lot to answer for. For 48 years Mr Blackwell has made it his business to list the ten worst-dressed celebrities in his bewildering half-rhyming half-punning half-alliterative style. You want to know why the way people speak on
Sex And The City makes you want to drive screwdrivers into your brain through your eyes and nose? It's because they're just copying Mr Blackwell.
However, the fact that a million-year-old man with skin that looks like it'll make someone a nice pair of creepy shoes once he dies still gets headlines by making a list of shit puns about the way people dress – and the way we've genuinely been looking forward to seeing the list since Christmas – says a lot for the almost dead weirdo.
In hecklerspray's history the only winner of Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list has been Britney Spears, who won it single-handedly in 2006 and shared it with Paris Hilton in 2007, but this year is different. Mr Blackwell has decided that Britney Spears won't figure in the worst-dressed list at all this year as punishment for being such a bad mother. OK, OK, his actual words were "I felt that it was in appropriate at this time to make comment, when her personal life is in such upheaval," but we got the implication.
So without Britney Spears and her collection of broken shoes and poo-covered dresses in the running, Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list has been blown wide open. And as the pieces settle, it looks clear that Victoria Beckham is the worst-dressed human being on Earth at the moment. Mr Blackwell described Victoria Beckham as:
"Forget the fashion spice – wearing a skirt would suffice! In one skinny-mini monstrosity after another, pouty posh can really wreck-em."
It'll be a blow for Victoria Beckham, who has seen just about one of her career avenues shut down since her move to LA in the summer. Her TV series was drastically edited into just one show, her acting career was still-born resulting in an awkward Ugly Betty cameo and an incoherent Tesco advert and she's only allowed to sing one line by herself at the Spice Girls reunion concerts – and now fashion, her one last refuge, has kicked her in the arse as well.
Number two on Mr Blackwell's list was Amy Winehouse, followed by Mary Kate Olsen and Fergie, described respectively as:
"Exploding beehives above…tacky polka-dots below… she's part 50's car-hop horror,"
"YIKES! In layers of cut-rate kitsch, Mary Kate's look is hard to explain… she resembles a tattered toothpick-trapped in a hurricane!"
and
"Another style-free 'Fergie' in fashion's hall of shame? Yes, when it comes to couture chaos, guess it's all in a name!"
Kelly Clarkson, Eva Green, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan and Alison Arngrim rounded up the top ten worst-dressed, if that's the sort of thing you're interested about. Special mention should also go to Bond Girl Eva Green whose wardrobe inspired Mr Blackwell to set his rhymeometer into overdrive with this description:
"Stuck in neon nightmares not fit for the sane. Fashion this loud could give Bond a migraine! A profusion of confusion from toes to nose!"
All of which just makes us more excited to read Mr Blackwell's worst-dressed list for next year. Can Victoria Beckham dress that badly two years running? Will Britney Spears be allowed to compete again? Will billion-year-old Mr Blackwell have the strength to lift up his leathery arms at all by then, let alone a pen?
We've never looked forward to 2009 more. And since that's because we want to read an old man's bad poems about clothes, that isn't really saying a lot.
Read more:
Posh Spice Tops Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed List – Us Weekly
Gilbert Wham says
A most excellent commenter referred to her as ‘The Orange Howler Monkey’ in a previous post. Can she be assigned this name permanently now plz?