The birth of any child is a wonderful thing… if of course, by ‘wonderful’, you actually mean ‘remarkably irritating’. See, when someone shunts a child from their middle, we’re supposed to treat it like some kind of miracle. Of course, no-one coos and fawns when someone brings a newborn foal into the office, still covered in amniotic gunk.
Childbirth isn’t any bigger or smarter than any other creature squirting out their shitting offspring. It’s dull and further proof that our future as humans is doomed as each baby grows up to be yet another alcopop drinking div in bad Asda George t-shirts.
When celebrities have babies growing in them, it is of even less relevance to us all, yet still we dribble enthusiastically, poised over our keys to tap out feigned glee to twitter accounts and Facebook fan pages. Victoria Beckham’s imminent idiot is one such example.
Rumours broke quicker than waters of a baby called Felicity being sawed out of Victoria Beckham who is still too vain to ruin her delicate lady garden by actually squeezing the thing out. However, it was all a massive lie.
Fact is, Posh Spice (she hates being called that doesn’t she? You can just tell) will NOT be giving birth her idiot daughter this week, a spokesperson has confirmed.
The spokesperson, already bored senseless by this babytalk but still maintaining a financial interest, stated:
“The rumours are rubbish, Victoria has not had the baby but she will be giving birth soon.”
In fact, it looks like the latest puking runt to be hoiked from a C-sectioned celebutwunt will grace our presence some time next week.
That’s just great isn’t it. We’ll get to see endless photographs of this baby… who looks like any other photoshopped baby… adorning hundreds of pages across various tedious magazines and newspapers.
It has been suggested that this Beckham Baby will be receiving media training before the umbilical tentacle is chopped and it will be taking questions at a press conference before it is a week old.
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LISSETTE says
Victoria Beckham Won
Cookie Monster says
Oh, buuuuuuuurn. Chalk one up for the Lissettester!
Mangosta says
How true! No one baby need (I assume you meant ‘needs’ although this is forgivable if your first language is something like Swahili) to be call (again, I assume you meant ‘called’. Perhaps you’re Latvian) stupid as ALL babies are stupid so it would be redundant to apply the term to this single, soon to be silly monikered infant.
Have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with a baby? Ask them their opinion on proportional representation or assisted suicide and they just gurgle and crap themselves like a Daily Express reader reading yet another front page exclusive about Princess Diana’s mouldering corpse.
mithaearon says
FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK Princess Diana