Beauty, real beauty, isn’t skin deep.

Wait – no wait – beauty is skin deep. It’s all those internal organs that aren’t. Also the veins are jammed way down deep in there. And you know what? All that inside stuff can be as ugly as it needs to be, because those things usually aren’t what have to pose for pictures and such.

Unless you’re unfortunate enough to get our Uncle Morty as a mortician. Taking pictures of things with their skin off is a definite passion of his. You should have seen it when he had the former mayor down there. It was gorgeous.

You know what else is gorgeous? You – but only when you properly exfoliate with the grainy dung of a nightingale. Don’t be ashamed – nowadays bird poo is as essential to true attractiveness as tooth paste and hair conditioner.

It’s good enough for the Beckhams you know. They smear themselves with it all the time.

Are you lonely? Does E Harmony only work up until your online conquest has to see your stupid face? Does the front of your head look like it lost a fight with an electric sander?

If so, don’t worry about it. The earth has provided a way to get you back in the non-ugly game. All you need is a small paint brush, some sort of a mixing dish, and a nightingale that won’t really mind when you wring some poop out of it.

That’s because nightingale poop is the latest celebrity fad for facial cleansers. The latest two lovers to jump on the dooky-dabbin’ band wagon are the Beckhams, a couple famous for constantly getting their hair trimmed or something. As the Daily Mail puts it:

“Victoria, who has long battled problem skin, puts her new clear complexion down to a bizarre new beauty regime involving bird poo. And it seems David has been getting involved too…Victoria, 34, has been regularly indulging in £100 Geisha Facials, using a paste made from nightingale droppings, to combat acne she has suffered since her teens.”

The poop-paste is really supposed to work well. In fact, we have such faith in it that if you use it and still don’t find a healthy, satisfying relationship within six months, we will personally examine photos of you to let you know what other ugly features you should probably work on. We may even have some coupons you could use, depending on where exactly you’re totally gross.

And if that doesn’t work, we have several recommendations as to websites you can use to buy a foreign spouse online, and then lawfully import them into the country. What’s good about that is that your purchased spouse would generally be really ugly too, and so would have no room to talk. Your self-worth-sense will positively rocket.

Just let us know what you need us to do.