Vanessa Hudgens was one of the many celebrities this past weekend to forget she’s not a homeless person, and stop washing long enough to attend Coachella. Not washing yourself, taking special care never to wash your hands, is as integral to the experience as foraging for berries and burying your poop.
Reports from the weekend noted Vanessa had done something during the American music festival that involved no nude photos of any kind. Of course, this required reporting with urgency; with titles reading ‘ZOMG, Vanessa went 48 hours and her iPad wasn’t hacked for MySpace-face pictures.’
She attended the event with whomever she’d been sleeping with the past few weeks. That guy, you know. That bloke whose name we’re refusing to learn on principle (of celebrities treating their sex lives like some herpes-infected game of Russian Roulette… if she marries him, we’ll consider learning his name). At some point, hanging out and listening to the bands in the burning hot sun, Vanessa was seen eating something. But what?!
Pictures revealed it was a salad. Scandal! But then she went and licked something off her finger.
Something that was either salad dressing or a booger. We were betting our week’s milk money on the latter. Which is problematic, as now we’re eating our cornflakes dry.
What Vanessa licked off her fingers wasn’t salad dressing, or any one of the illegal drugs she was irresponsibly accused of taking – it was reported, as fact, she’d taken a pure form of Ecstasy called ‘Molly’ based on nothing but pictures of her poor attention to basic hygiene. Rather than stick with the ready-made excuse about dressing, her spokesperson told the media it was chocolate.
We know, we know.
The rep further explained the baggie of chocolate that passed for drugs had melted because of the heat. The drugs story was far more interesting and she should have revealed a non-existent cocaine addiction or something. That way, we’d still be talking about that the next time she leaked her own nudes.
This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who doesn’t mind being photographed while binging on Class Z drugs, so show your props you ungrateful gits.
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MIke says
So she was licking a white guy i assume.
EssBen says
I could look at pictures of Vanessa wosserface licking stuff of other stuff for literally tens of minutes, not including clean-up time!
vanessa hudgens says
Unfortunately, some people are famous in the moral corruption that is taking place with the fore as a trigger for sexuality.