Sometimes, when God isn’t making sure that that there’s order in the universe, stuff gets snuck past him. An example of that stuff is Pitbull, who’s made a career out of creating rap songs that hardly even qualify as such. Pitbull is a rapper like Shaq was an actor: sort of. Combine him with Shakira, and you have a recipe for musical disaster.
The beat to this song sounds like the equivalent of jokingly pressing as many keyboard keys as you can at once and hoping that no one is allergic to the sound of your annoying bullshit. The lyrics are a Declaration of Independence that frees the writer from an obligation to be creative.
“…To these rappers I apologize, I know it aint fair….”
Pitbull starts off the song by subconsciously admitting that his success might be a fluke. Pitbull isn’t popular because of willpower or his skills. It’s more like when an unlucky person, or entire radio audience, gets struck by lightning. Shit happens. And sometimes, that shit is Pitbull.
“…Everytime I look into your eyes, I feel like I could stare in them for a lifetime…”
If you’ve listened to as much Pitbull as I have, you begin to notice certain musical trends. One of the biggest ones is that, a lot of times, the choruses have nothing to do with the song. To Pitbull, a chorus is just the part where the producer told him that he couldn’t repeat his nicknames. If Pitbull gave lectures on music theory, the first class would be students telling him that he misspelled “syllabus” and the next 89 classes would be Pitbull teaching people about different words to rhyme with the names of cities.
“…Big news. Pitbull. Tom Cruise. Mumbai. I lit up their December Nights like the 4th of July. Vanilla Sky…”
Pitbull references Tom Cruise just so that he can reference Tom Cruise movies later. Is he saying that he’s similar to Tom Cruise? We’ll never know. This comparison is so half-hearted that I’d wouldn’t be surprised if the original draft of the lyrics was Pitbull just trying to find ways to rhyme Mission Impossible with Mission Impossible 2.
Thrilla, in Manilla. Knockin’ ‘em out like Pacquaio. No Ali, no Frazier, but for now it’s off to Malaysia, ha ha!…”
Pitbull starts another comparison, and this time doesn’t even attempt to finish it. He just lists two boxers that fought and fucking retired and uses that to segue into a country that he’s going to visit. Pitbull gets bored easily with all the deep, metaphorical shit and will quit it just to rap about himself some more. I understand the feeling, though. It’s like when girls want to talk about feelings and you have fart during the conversation. Or when a scientist comes on television, and you instinctively want to murder him.
“…If you think it’s a game, let’s play. Dale’!…”
Is there some generic rap lyric handbook that I haven’t read yet? Game? Play? I swear that I’ve heard something similar in every other hip hop song in most of forever. If you asked Pitbull what a simile was, he’d text you a winky face emoticon. His pen runs out of ink just to spite him.
“…You know it feels right…”
Pitbull performs this line in his deep, “sexy,” Latin voice and it comes off as one of the most un-seductive things ever spat into a microphone. Somewhere, a woman heard this song, and woke up to find that her vagina had hung itself. It wouldn’t be a sexy line if he replaced the whole song with Magic Mike. Pitbull sometimes talks about having threesomes in his songs, but he can’t count high enough to recognize if he was in one.
“…Now I’m here to claim it. I’ll hustle anything, you name it. Name it…”
Are you taunting me, Pitbull? You rap like a conservative ESL student and your career was started when the hip hop genre murdered your parents. Pitbull’s songs are the roofies of the music industry; they rape my sensibilities and should be illegal.
“…Now it’s Voli everywhere I land…”
Voli is the brand of light vodka that Pitbull is a spokesperson for, so it features in his songs and videos quite heavily. But to the people unaware of Voli and unwilling to spend a ridiculous sum on it to find out what it tastes like, talking about “Voli” could just be Pitbull inventing new words, which is his probable next step, actually, considering that he’s peed on the corpses of the words we have now.
“…Two passports, three cities…”
Wait. You’re already going back to repeating what you said at the end of the first verse? You only said eight new lines, Pitbull. Non-rappers rap more than that in a day without even meaning to. I’ve seen greeting cards that feature more extensive lyrics than your songs. Does Pitbull have writing sessions or does he take short, but highly productive dumps every day?
“…Cause if it feels right. We shouldn’t waste anymore time. Don’t think about it…”
No offense, Shakira, but maybe we should waste a bit more time on what we’re doing. Obviously this song “felt right” and I’m still confused as to whether I should label it as “Entertainment” or the death rattles of someone’s Pro Tools.
“…You know I’m going to make it alright, alright…”
“…I know that we can make it alright, alright…”
“We?” No. Please don’t get Pitbull involved anymore in this, Shakira. The song doesn’t need fifteen more seconds of rapping, then some lines that we’ve heard twice before, followed by a chorus that means absolutely nothing.
“…Don’t start what you can’t finish…”
What the hell? Do you have any idea what this song is even about, Pitbull? I’m thoroughly convinced that Pitbull and Shakira had no idea that their two previously unrelated songs were going to be combined into a “collaboration.” Shakira is sort of singing about the special bond between people and Pitbull is more concerned with what it’s like to have your own brand of vodka when you step off a plane. There’s an obvious disconnect in the song.
Overall, there’s not a lot of redeeming qualities to “Get It Started.” It’s a song so bad that people could outlaw the mentally ill from having to hear it, citing “moral reasons.” The only good that could come of it is that it would help progress evolutionary theory, because a loving deity would obviously not give us “Get It Started.”