Okay America – you may have given us rock ‘n’ roll, jazz and punk… but really, you’re not as good as we Brits. Seriously. America is rubbish compared to what we produce. Oh, you gave us hip-hop as well. Thanks for that. We really appreciate it.
But we’re still better than you.
It’s true and we’re going to prove it to you without any trace of irony. Seriously. By the time America reads this list, there’s a very good chance that they’ll take a long look at themselves and seriously consider never making another record ever again. Oh, and you invented country music too. Ta.
Anyway, here’s a completely fair face-off competition which British music slays America.
1. The Beatles – The Byrds
Go listen to Ticket To Ride Americans. Sound familiar? Yep, it’s the blueprint for The Byrds first half a dozen LPs. Sure enough, The Fabs stole the rhythm ‘n’ blues sound from American artists, but lets be honest here, you lot didn’t give a shit about it ’til the Beatles took it back over to you. You screamed your little wigs off at John, Paul, George and Ringo, but couldn’t quite muster up the energy to fawn over the artists the Fabs aped. The Beatles’ short stay in music influenced everything you did and when they disappeared, you were at a loss and ended up giving us The Eagles in return. Hardly fair now is it? Even your greatest son, Elvis, felt threatened by The Beatles, which of course, didn’t bother our Fabs one jot.
2 Rolling Stones – Aerosmith
Hot on the heels of the Fab Four were our rascally Rolling Stones. Again, nicking licks from US rock ‘n’ roll left, right and centre, The Stones wouldn’t have ever written a decent song without your help. However, it took a bunch of sour faced limeys to really show you how great American music was. In fact, the best showcase of American music came from the very English Stones. The Stones took rock ‘n’ roll, soul, country and R&B and threw it to you all like scraps to dogs and you lapped it up. You still do! And in return, you gave us lame Stone copycats, Aerosmith – even down to the flappy lipped lead singer and rake-thin axeman. Seriously lads, give it a rest, eh?
3. David Bowie – Bob Dylan
You may think that this is a strange comparison as Bowie didn’t exactly make the same type of music as Dylan, but these two have more in common than you think. Basically, each of these dishonest old tarts have employed the falling masks throughout their careers to reveal a new, shape-shifted artist. Bowie went from mod, to acid-folker, to glam, to krautrock, to cocaine pop… and then went shit. Zimmerman went from folkie, to wired-rocker, to faux country-gent, to born again Christian to… and then went shit. What’s more impressive about Bowie is that each change in his career has been radical and interesting. Look at Dylan and country, folk and rock ‘n’ roll all share a similar quality. It wasn’t until his ill-advised rapping in the ’80s that he really tried something new, beating our Bowie by nearly a decade to an embarrassing flirtation with black digital music (‘Little Wonder’). Therefore – Bowie is miles better.
4. Cliff Richard – Elvis Presley
Sir Cliff has given the world loads of ace records – ‘In The Country’, ‘Move It’, ‘Dynamite’, ‘Devil Woman’ and the like. He also starred in a load of dodgy films, just like your beloved Elvis. However, while Presley grew fat, got addicted to all manner of prescription pills and started hanging around with Grand Wankbag, Richard Nixon, our Cliff found Jesus and started playing tennis. Basically, because tennis is better than Richard Nixon, Cliff wins on away-goals.
5. Led Zeppelin – Jimi Hendrix
Led Zep were so cool that they didn’t bother releasing singles. Jimi Hendrix meanwhile, admittedly one of America’s greats, needed to come to England first before anyone took any real notice of him. Further proof that the UK is superior to The States. Jeez! Look at the facts! You had Jimi under your noses and you were all listening to Simon & Garfunkel! When it came to excessive blues licks, Jimmy Page knocks poor ol’ Hendrix into a cocked hat. Zep pushed and pushed, incorporating strings and Moogs and Jimi sloped off and made a bad soul record as The Band of Gypsies.
6. Fleetwood Mac – Fleetwood Mac
The UK version of Fleetwood Mac had it all. It had the best guitar players and the biggest drug-fuckery. The US version pretty much survived their bouts with cocaine, reuniting every-so-often to play AOR for men and women in slacks. The UK version of Fleetwood Mac pretty much disintegrated in a cloud of weed smoke and melted their brains with super potent acid dished out by weird German cults. The tunes were better too.
7. Pink Floyd – America Doesn’t Even Have An Equivalent
Ah. How America must look on enviously at our beloved Pink Floyd. Psychedelic pioneers turned grumpy space-rockers… America doesn’t even have a Pink Floyd equivalent. We’ll keep The Floyd and you can keep Shania Twain.
8. Elton John – Billy Joel
Billy Joel is so rubbish that he had to remind us all what he did in song-titles like ‘Piano Man’. Elton meanwhile, churned out killer song after killer song, leaving America wondering why they never valued singer-songwriters like Harry Nilsson more. Again, America needed Britain to show them what they were good at before they took it on-board. Elton has a better collection of wigs too.
9. Sex Pistols – The Ramones
Okay America, you win this one easily. The Ramones are a vastly superior band to the schlock bollocks of The Sex Pistols. In absolutely every respect, The Ramones are better than all British punk bands of the late ’70s. But wait! America didn’t really take to The Ramones and they first broke big in England. That means, by sheer fluke, we win this round too! Sorry about that.
10. Mark Morrison – Michael Jackson
An easy one this. Basically, Michael Jackson may have sold a million squillion records to the world and done the odd moonwalk for us. Sadly for Mike, his entire back catalogue (Jackson 5/Jacksons included) never matched the utter majesty of Mark Morrison’s ‘Return of the Mack’. When Jackson got in trouble with the law, he looked like he was about to cry all the time. When Morrison got in trouble with the law, he was so laid back that he sent a lookalike to the bar in his place. Mark Morrison wins this round easily! Hell, he’s better than every single soul record ever made in America.
Disagree with this article? Think America is easily better than the UK in musical muscle? Think we should have had a Dizzee Rascal – Wu Tang face-off? What about Crosby Stills and Nash? Do you think that Kraftwerk beat all UK and US groups? Slag us off in the comments.