We asked and you responded – here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.
Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?
It's a prestigious title, that's for sure – similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood – and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell – but in what order? Let's find out…
10 – Joss Stone, 2%
Although only being the country's tenth-biggest Trainwreck might come as a disappointment to some, Joss Stone still has every reason to celebrate her inclusion. That's because Joss Stone managed to pack an entire year's worth of Trainwreckiness into 35 glorious seconds at the Brits in February.
Stumbling around in the dark, dedicating "big love" to Robbie Williams while doing a spot-on impression of Lloyd Grossman, singing a soul-destroyingly self-conscious snatch of an Amy Winehouse song, Joss Stone packed it in tight. "Why does everyone in the UK hate me?" Joss has often been heard to cry throughout the year. We really have no idea, you purple-haired transatlantic wazzock.
9 – Naomi Campbell, 2.3%
Sneaking through on residual Trainwreck fumes from 2006 is Naomi Campbell, the supposed 'violent super-bigot' supermodel whose idea of an employee bonus is to lodge a diamante-encrusted Blackberry deep inside the back of her cleaner's skull instead of a regular plastic one.
This year, though, Naomi Campbell has sadly dialled down her Trainwreckiness – she pleaded guilty to assault rather than smashing the courtroom to splinters with her bare fists, and she even managed to complete community service without trying to choke a stranger on the business end of a ploppy mop. A disappointing year, all said – but we'll be rooting for Naomi to shriek back to form and punch a nun or something in 2008.
8 – Charley Uchea, Big Brother, 3.9%
Even though Big Brother has basically turned into Britain's Got Aggressive Histrionic Personality Disorder, this year Charley Uchea managed to accomplish the impossible feat of out-Trainwrecking almost every other Big Brother housemate in the show's history.
Loud, obnoxious, self-absorbed to the point of mania, this summer Charley managed to briefly unite the whole of the UK in wondering if there was a well somewhere that we could push her into. Now that she's a civilian again, Charley's full-time job seems to be either falling over outside nightclubs to try and get in the papers or being attacked by kindly passers-by who just want to put the poor girl out of her misery. Spectacular.
7 – Kate Moss, 4%
Even though 2007 was the year that she dumped Pete Doherty for good – an act so audaciously anti-Trainwrecky that it makes us feel physically ill to the pits of our stomachs – Kate Moss nevertheless made a blazing last-ditch effort to get onto our list in the closing stages of the year.
First Kate Moss had a bit of a loud party that upset the poshos she lives near, and then a DJ claimed that he saw her fall off the drug wagon so violently that she single-handedly managed to invent a fleet of enduring Trainwreck catchphrases. All together now: "Make me rave! Make me rave!" Come now Kate, we don't think you need our help for that.
6 – Kerry Katona, 6.2%
If Kerry Katona was legitimately famous instead of being the lardy northern chav off the Iceland adverts – incidentally: sterling work Iceland, you picked a blinder of a representative there – then we don't doubt she'd have gained herself a podium Trainwreck finish.
But since she barely counts as a celebrity, Kerry Katona should be proud of her sixth-place status. Truly Kerry is an inspiration to women everywhere, proving that they only need to fall pregnant 38 separate times each month (and smoke throughout), develop a suspected drug habit, get robbed at gunpoint in their own house and declare themselves to be bi-polar and they too can end up in the anonymous midway point of an sarcastic British blog's end-of-year idiot list.
5 – Victoria Beckham, 6.9%
2007 was meant to be Victoria Beckham's year – the year she went to LA with David to become a big TV star in her own right. But anyone with even a semi-functioning set of senses can see that it just hasn't happened for her.
Instead, Victoria Beckham has looked isolated and alone, with just Tom Cruise's suspicious wife and her own ludicrous breast implants for company. Victoria's TV career has tanked – consisting of a failed special, three seconds on Ugly Betty and one jabbered, indecipherable line on an advert for a supermarket. Worse still, Victoria Beckham isn't even as famous as Mel B any more. To Victoria Beckham, that's literally worse than an acid-bath suicide.
4 – Jade Goody, 10.8%
We know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Jade Goody is officially the fourth-biggest Trainwreck in the country because of her outrageous display of bigotry and racism on Celebrity Big Brother this year; a display so utterly repellent that people in India actually made little Jade Goodys out of straw and set them on fire in protest.
But you're wrong – Jade Goody isn't here because in the space of three angry January minutes she destroyed her entire career by racially abusing a Bollywood millionaire over some stock cubes. No, in fact Jade Goody is the UK's fourth-biggest Trainwreck because of the Celebrity Big Brother moment where she let her mute boyfriend jizz up her leg. Obviously.
3 – Pete Doherty, 12.3%
Pete Doherty carries a heavy weight on his shoulders today, and we don't mean his constantly-ballooning chubface, either. In fact, Pete Doherty is the only male to have made the 2007 UK Trainwreck top ten. But, by God, is he ever representing the gender well.
The Trainwreck that other Trainwrecks judge themselves against, at various points this year Pete Doherty has lived in a caravan after being dumped by a supermodel and was accused of angrily threatening to slit the throat of a young woman's mother, all the while churning out music that sounds like a cheap Buddy Holly tribute act as heard through a couple of kitchen funnels sellotaped to the side of your head – and yet somehow he's managed to avoid jail for all these things. We're so stunned that we haven't even worked out if that's a good or a bad thing. Bad, we'd imagine.
2 – Heather Mills, 24.6%
Heather Mills is either a saintly woman bravely fighting evil with the sword of social justice, or a mental weirdo who keeps saying the word "paedophile!" in a funny high-pitched voice on breakfast TV a lot. And, of course, this depends mostly on whether you're Heather Mills or not.
Already a high-ranking Trainwreck contender for the way she basically forced the world into siding with a granny-faced millionaire with a bad dye-job over her divorce, Heather Mills really kicked her Trainwreck campaign into overdrive this autumn by going on every single TV show in the land to roll her eyes, froth at the mouth, compare herself to Princess Diana and generally do a far better job of sending herself up than we ever could. That's an unattainably high level of Trainwreckiness, right? Not quite…
1 – Amy Winehouse, 26.5%
Who else could it possibly be. You want to know why Amy Winehouse is the biggest Trainwreck in the country this year and you're not? Have you overdosed on heroin, cocaine, ketamine, ecstasy and alcohol all in one go? Have you got a husband accused of beating a man so severely that he needed metal plates inserted into his face? Have you then threatened a crowd of 13,000 disappointed booing concertgoers with violence at the hands of said husband? Have you ever stalked through London barefoot on a winter's night in just your bra? Have you ever got into a gory razorblade fight with anyone who tries to stop you taking drugs with a hooker you just met?
Chances are you haven't, but Amy Winehouse has. Winning the 2007 hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year poll must be a bittersweet way for Amy Winehouse to end the year – any initial elation at winning such a prestigious title will probably be tempered with the gut-churning realisation that somehow she's going to have to top all this next year. But you can do it, Amy! We believe in you!
jukebox says
one thing for sure though…Victoria Beckham’s TV career hasn’t tanked – if you really did investigate very carefully…you will know that her THREE SECONDS on Ugly Betty was a successfull one in America…and because of that..she has got an offer to appear/act in Sex and The City the movie! the producers even wanted to postponed the acting scheduled to wait for her to finish the Spice tour! and..one more important thing happening to her in 2007 – obviously – it’s the Spice Girls’ Reunion! and it’s sold out for every show! so…tell me if these things aren’t succesfull for her..and yeah..she is as famous as Mel B…even more famous than the rest of them in every show!
looseships says
Vicky is spent. She is a non-starter. I still laugh at her Daily Show ass-whooping. Trout have more personality, wood screws more brains. She would be worthless if not for spending Beckhams bloated salary. You can have her back. Please send human women henceforth. Keep the dogs.
Carmela says
get lost vicky b, self promotion will do you no favours on hecklerspray. havent you got some turkey flavoured slim fast to be drinking?
nice article stu! Happy Christmas everyone! x
Schmoo says
Britney? Joint first with Winehouse, no-one else comes close…