Oh, don’t pretend to be surprised. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is number one at the US weekend box office.
It explains so much. Eclipse‘s success explains why no teenage girls were to be seen all weekend, and it explains that constant low-level shrieking you’ve been hearing all weekend, and it explains why everywhere’s ankle-deep in urine all of a sudden.
What’s more, Eclipse is supposed to be the best Twilight film so far. To be fair, that’s not saying much because we could film mould growing on warm yogurt and the end result would still be better than both Twilight and New Moon combined. Plus if we left it long enough it’d end up having hair like Robert Pattinson. And it’d probably smell like him, too. Anyway, full US weekend top five after the jump.
1 – The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Presumably called Eclipse because, at the Leicester Square premiere on Thursday, the sun was entirely blotted out by the millions of drooling, panda-eyed 14-year-old girls who essentially spent an hour screaming for their lives at an empty balcony. God, we can’t stand young people) $69,000,000
2 – The Last Airbender (So you just made a film, a widely reviled film, where the baddie is basically the wind. People hated you for making that film. So what do you follow it up with? A film about a boy who can bend wind. God, we can’t stand M Night Shyamalan) $40,650,000
3 – Toy Story 3 (We can’t wait for Cars 2, you know. If Pixar’s fondness for misery continues, it’ll be about smack addiction and infanticide. Awesome) $30,174,000
4 – Grown Ups (Speaking of which, we’d quite like Adam Sandler to make a film about smack addiction and infanticide. At least it’d be the first film of his that was intentionally depressing) $18,500,000
5 – Knight & Day (We’re not blaming the failure of Knight & Day on Tom Cruise. We’re blaming it on the fact that his character is not called Roy Knight and Cameron Diaz‘s character is not called June Day. Didn’t the writers read the rules? That’s how it’s supposed to work, idiots) $10,200,000
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charmin says
stuart, you are an ass
Emma says
According to exit polls 55% of Eclipse audience were over 21! years of age!!! It is not 14 year olds anymore, sorry. OVER 21!! , AGAIN !
The teens wewr minority, ticks are exensive, $19.50 In Imax and $13 regular.
Dee-da says
Emma darling, the word is exPensive and i don’t know why you are quoting prices in dollars as this is a UK site however its good to know that the audience are predominantly over 21 as I am 35 and permanently drenched in urine at the thought of Rob so at least I am not alone, well apart from my cat obviously.
Robsessed says
nanana!!!!! so glad they finally released Eclipse! cause i just couldn’t wait any longer!!!!
Marina says
I’m so glad that they released the movie. It was a long wait. An even longer wait for the first part of the fourth one though. :(
But while I wait, I found this other vampire movie to look forward to. You guys should check it out.
http://bit.ly/ahKeh7
Let me know what you think about it.
Flangepiece says
I’m drrenched in urine. However, this has less to do with sparkly vampires and more to do with the fact that I thought I saw a big, scary tiger in my airing cupboard. Happily, it turned out to be an orange mop. Lucky as well considering my reaction.
Wow... says
Hello Mr. Heritage.
“Twilight: Eclipse Soaks Weekend Box Office In Urine”
I feel a similar title should read “Mr. Stuart Heritage soaks bullshit story no one cares about with useless facts and biased opinions that he shoots right out of his ass before his mother lays him to bed”
Buuhhh..... says
Perhaps you should write it then, ‘Wow’. Maybe you could have your own popular satirical humour site and all the fun that goes with it – Wine! Women! Song! All the cornflakes you can eat!