To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three.
However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price.
As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all – thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more than enough.
Katie and Peter met on jungle-based bug-pestering ITV reality show I’m A Celebrity and spent the following years documenting every single argument, holiday and blowjob in front of an adoring crowd of three ITV2 viewers. With the series Katie and Peter: Stateside coming to an end, so too must their marriage. Here, Katie tells the ‘truth’ about the end of an era. A weird, spotlight-hogging era that shifted more newspapers than a really big lorry with loads of newspapers in.
Jordan’s face, expressionless under the weight of having to carry so much make-up, doesn’t move as she tells us “this is not a publicity stunt”, in a programme with her name in the title. On the second biggest channel in the country. On Saturday night at prime time. “The fairytale is over.”
The divorce is all about Peter getting angry over a picture of Katie in The Sun, where she’s wasted and waving her tits around. Like this is the first time she’s ever done it. Pete, mate, it’s what she does. That’s her whole career, you Aussie doofus. Turns out that one of the guys there fancies her, and Peeeete has a problem with him. Again, Petey, she used to be a glamour model. Look around you. Every single person in their 20s has cracked one out over her.
Things descend into a Jeremy Kyle-esque “I told him this but he doesn’t believe me and now I’m talking to my friend and Pete thinks I fancy him and I don’t but he’s good looking and I’m his friend and and and sdlhpf[jkfkghalrod”.
In a typically chavtastic way, Jordan admits to fancying Pete just before they split, but now can’t understand what she saw in him. Despite spending 10 minutes talking about the good times, the good pecs and the good sex. This really is Celebrity Jeremy Kyle. With Morgan playing a more evil, sneering Kyle.
Hilariously though, after a gratuitous compilation of Kate rolling around on the beach, in clubs and on a boat in a variety of ever-shrinking titpants, Piers Kyle says he has one word for her. Lucky, because any more than that will confuse her. That word? Slapper.
Pete comes across as a nice bloke, but one who wants to be married to Katie, and not Jordan. Katie describes Jordan as her wild side, when she’s had a couple of drinks and wants to be a slag again, that’s Jordan. When she’s sucking off a Premiership footballer, that’s Jordan. Taking her kids to a horse riding show? Katie. She says that Jordan is behind her now, then flashes her boobs at Piers. She’s confused and all over the place, doesn’t know whether she wants to be Katie or Jordan.
I’d quite like Jordan back, please. As, probably, would Pete.
This was a guest blog by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows. Go familiarise yourselves.
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Nik Johnson says
It’s an Arab country, not an Asian one. You’re an idiot, me.
Amy Grindhouse says
I liked your article and RTd it Nik. Your grasp of geography is as good as my grasp of grammar. We’re too peas in a pod.