Channel Five. No-one really watches it do they? It bought Neighbours and Home and Away and instead of them gaining two cult imports, they managed to make people suddenly not care. But plucky little Five won’t stop trying… in fact, they Don’t Stop Believing (Five, Sunday, 8 August, 5:45pm) which is almost sad when you see the fruits of their harvest.
In an attempt to jump on two bandwagons at once – Glee and The X Factor – the show has fallen flat on its face very much like someone trying to ride two horses at the same time.
Don’t Stop Believing wants the thrill of the public vote and the blank stare of the judging panel mixed with the hideous family friendly choral nonsense that has made Glee such a runaway success in the world with people who never wanted to admit to liking musicals, when really they loved them.
As such, the uncoolest type of singing ever thrown into the pressure cooker of the format vote-me show, makes what? Well, like the singers in the show, instead of amplifying, it all cancels each other out. Yesterday saw a bunch of young people all singing at the same time, quite loudly, yet somehow still managing to sound like less than one voice.
Still, we shouldn’t berate the contestants on the show too much because they’re just giddy amateurs looking for a fleeting moment in the spotlight. And they’ve got nothing on the drips that are supposed to be professionals.
Where The X Factor makes an entire world for the show to live in, with huge hangar live shows, boot camps, guest celebrities like Whitney Houston coming along to listen to young people singing at their lifeless eyes, Don’t Stop Believing is simply and Wheel ‘Em Out And Make ‘Em Sing and very little else.
In some respects, that’s quite admirable… however, in TV terms, it makes the whole thing feel like New Faces as opposed to this ridiculous camp tension cranker that Cowell is so deft at producing.
The panel of judges doesn’t help matters. For our televisual pleasure, we have Duncan James, Anastacia, Tamzin Outhwaite and choreographer Charles ‘Chucky’ Klapow.
In the case of Chucky Kapow! we have a man who dresses like a Vice Magazine hipster, yet somehow, is simultaneously forgettable. Imagine someone putting fluorescent sunglassed on the shadow cast by a mop bucket. In Tamzin Outhwaite, we have a perfectly lovely woman who talks like an adult without hamming everything up, but alas, that’s all she is. That and someone from Eastenders. There’s something in her eyes that says “Jesus. Phil Mitchell on crack. That’s impressively crap, even for a British soap.”
Then you have the two lame-ducks. First off, you have Anastacia who presumably is there to fill the Mental Like Paula Adbul role. Everytime she appeared on screen, there was a certain unsteadiness to the show which made the viewer feel like they had to down two bottles of wine and then operate heavy machinery whilst being trapped in a lift with Liza Minnelli. There’s not even the flicker of a human in there, only bad-wiring.
Duncan James sits on the panel purely as knicker-bait for bored, lonely forty-somethings. His whole schtick is akin to a man who systematically beds bored divorcees at holiday resorts, kissing stretch marks and buying them cheap chocolates with well-rehearsed platitudes. He’s so staggeringly pointless that you may as well stand a tower of Ferrero Rocher in his place with a sign above it saying “Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way.”
The only person to come out of the show with anything good is host Emma Bunton who looks like she’s been presenting TV shows for years. Okay, someone at the show did their utmost to dress her like Carol Decker from T’Pau with dreadful shoulder pads and dodgy earrings (when really, they should’ve gone for the cutesy ’50s housewife-next-door look of Holly Willoughby), but all-in-all, Emma Bunton seems well-suited to being on our TV screens.
However, cutting through all this is a staggering lack of knowledge about music, underlined completely by MT4Uth (dreadful name) and their performance of ‘Feeling Good’. Everyone thrilled at how they’d managed to get a classic and turn it into something radically different. It was ‘bold and brave’ and like nothing they’d ever heard before… APART FROM THE FACT IT WAS A CARBON COPY OF MUSE’S VERSION OF ‘FEELING GOOD’ YOU SIMPERING DIPSHITS.
What was impressive about the show was that it somehow managed to be crappier than expected. Hopes were not high for a show on Five, yet unfathomably, the whole thing managed to hit considerably lower than expectation. It’s a bad feeling when that’s the main thing you take away from a new show. At least Emma Bunton might be on our screens with a bit more frequency from now on.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
john says
stupid review. anastacia’s lovely.
Mr. Skill says
That is right! everyone is beautiful in their own unique ways.
alan says
That has to be the worst review i have ever read! Who on earth writes this crap?
Good job this person is not on the judging panel thats all i can say. !!!
Buuhhh..... says
Quite right. John Prescott is a veritable goddess and who wouldn’t want to snuggle into Bin Laden’s luxuriant beard?
Mmmm. Beard…
tess says
Anastacia Rocks she’s the only reason I watch .
The review sucks bye the way . The show is very
entertaining . No cruel humiliation or bitchy comments.
The reviewer is talking out of their backside I hope
he does not get paid for this rubbish.
Chucky says
LOL! I quite enjoyed this review, except you left out the fact that I’m an Emmy Award winning choreographer who actually knows what he’s talking about because I’ve been working in this business for 20 years now. Oh, and you spelled my name wrong. Great journalism.
Lejla says
Great words Chucky! X
anaita says
i am so imressed with this review…as this is exactly what i feel about this loosers show ! zero show in all aspectsssss!