TV REVIEW: Bear Grylls: Born Survivor, Discovery Channel
Forget crocodiles, sharks, or insects that make you bleed through your arse, Bear Grylls is the scariest thing on TV.
In truth, at first glance ex-Etonian Bear, or 'Edward Michael', as his mother likes to call him, hardly looks like the stuff of nightmares. He has an accent that would shatter glass and looks more like a well-intentioned Geography teacher than an action hero.
But anybody who has tuned into his Bear Grylls: Born Survivor series on the Discovery Channel knows exactly what we're talking about.
The premise for the programme is quite ridiculous. Basically, every week Grylls is dumped in an extreme location somewhere around the world and armed with only his wits and whatever food he can lay his hands on has to make it back to civilisation.
What we have never been sure about is whether this is intended to educate or just titillate. Indeed, the chances of you somehow ending up in the stranded middle of a tropical jungle or the Sahara desert are somewhat slim. Thinner still is the possibility of you replicating the former SAS hero, who lists climbing Everest among his many impressive achievements.
Got to climb a 50ft waterfall? No problem. Apparently, it's all about picking the correct starting point. Got to abseil down a 20ft ravine? It's easy. Just make sure you get your legs in the right position. Got to make a raft from only four twigs and well-positioned flask? It's simple. Simple? Oh fuck off Grylls, you posh cunt.
Actually, thinking about it, in terms of survival, shouting abuse at Bear is the last thing you should do. Obviously, years of abuse at school for being the son of a Tory politician – the late Sir Michael Grylls – has left its toll on the action man, who has learned to cope in extreme conditions by turning himself from the shy, mild-mannered 'Edward Michael' into the ferocious 'Bear'.
This is why he is the scariest thing on TV. Placed in any extreme situation and everything becomes food, shelter or firewood – the Bear necessities (see what we did there).
He has drunk water from elephant dung, sunk his teeth into rotting zebra carcasses and even licked the tears of vanquished ants. Abuse him and you could be next. But at least you would die in the knowledge that none of your body parts would go to waste. He would turn your eyes and teeth into a handy bivouac, harvest your hair for firewood and then make his escape by turning your rib cage into a trusty canoe.
It's pretty addictive viewing, however, and Grylls makes fellow survivalist Ray Mears seem like a kindly, eccentric uncle. Indeed, Mears would need a strobe light to move that fast.
On the other hand, can we trust the survival advice of a man who attempts to foist obviously well-groomed horses with shoes (!) as “wild”? SAS hero? Perhaps, but he was in the reserves, not fighting on the frontlines. And drinking liquid from elephant dung? I can’t stress enough how bad an idea this is. Please, do not try at home or in the bush, but if you must, you are better off at home, because you are only a phone-call away from medical attention. I gave Grylls a lot of leeway to suspend my sense of disbelief, but his attempts to convince me that he was sleeping in the bush while he was, frankly, not simply pushed me beyond my limit. Sadly, this man is just a cartoon. Oh, well.
Bear passed and was badged to the SAS for the Territorial Army. He did 3 years part-time which equals about 7/9 months full-time, inc selection. I’m not knocking the TA I have mates in both (21) and (23) but how could that compare with guys in (22) such as Lofty Wiseman, Any McNab with over 35 years between them full-time? Bear mentions that he did active service in N.Africa yet others who were there say it was an exercise in Morocco? I guess we will never know for sure? Especially regarding the neither confirm or deny re the SAS whether Regular or TA. Bear can say what he wants without contradiction.
Bear milked the SAS connection for all it was worth to help build a media career. No TA guy would say he was ex SAS that’s just misleading; they always make it clear they were TA. For example David Davis (Con MP) could like Bear exaggerate his SAS career but he always makes it clear he was ex TA and to be fair he served for a much longer period than Bear and achieved some decent stuff.
Any guy wanting to join (22) SAS from (21) or (23) (R) TA has to do full 6 mths selection just like any other squaddie, no fast track allowance (they rarely make it) Chris Ryan was a notable exception (ex B Squad.) Even if they pass, they are then sent away for 6 mths for basic Army training skills (unlike other squaddies) with the Para’s before entering F/T with (22). TA SAS selection takes place mainly over selected weekends during a year, so with ample time to rest and recover. Still hard but no way in the league of (22) SAS – 5/6 months continuous hard slog, so little respite regarding general tiredness or injury recovery not to mention quicker completion times required.
Incidentally when asked to list his years with the SAS, Chris Ryan only includes his time with (22) and not the previous years with the TA? Why is it when you ask any (22) guy (I’m based in Hereford) was Bear in the SAS? You get the same reply he was in the F***ING TA, when you are badged to (22) then you are SAS! Why do you think selection criteria for the SAS TA is listed via the MOD website yet there is no mention of (22)? There’s some good guys in the TA, doing there bit but to say they are equal in abilities to the guys in (22) and passed the same selection process is crazy and shows the ignorance of a large number of civvies