Channel Four continue to make you, dear viewer, feel like a dog’s dick. If it’s not tales of woe, it’s making you know that you aren’t up to scratch.
It’s likely that these TV spods aren’t actually lefty liberals with a will to help the poor and needy. It’s more likely a room of Nathan Barley‘s using irony to bully you into submission, whilst they all have a giggle at your expense.
Obviously, these twerps at C4 towers won’t do the dirty work themselves. A long line of upwardly mobile swine are on the streets and out to get you. Leading the finger wagging is the petrifying Nicky Hambleton-Jones from 10 Years Younger (also known as Aryan Youth Goes Mental On A Prole).
For those of you who have never seen 10 Years Younger, the premise is basically this: Hambleton-Jones gets someone who has had a hard paper round in their
youthâ€¦ and gets a team of so called experts to point and poke at them
until they are so dizzy and disorientated that they are willing to
agree to anything.
The viewer has to assume that it takes place in
Guantanamo Bay, not in the supposed towns as they claim in the
vile-cast. Not only are these poor people picked on by idiots with daft
haircuts, but they are also paraded amongst the general public whilst
they finger, snigger and say "she looks a hund-er-ed years old because
she has big teeth and a frock on." Last night’s episode of 10 Years Younger was no
The poor lady from Bolton looked haggard. Presumably after
spending a day with some â€˜hip to the lip’ Channel 4 types. By the time
the viewer clasps eyes on her, her face looks like 10 battlefield
casualties stuffed into a condom. Her teeth also gave the impression
that someone had already laid gravestones for the wounded.
So, off the poor lady goes to the 10 Years Younger â€˜experts’. One, a plastic surgeon who
claims the bedraggled woman has "an overactive forehead" which
naturally needs "an entire face lift, bag removal of the eyesâ€¦" The
worst news is that she will also have a practise known as a â€˜chemical
peel’ which essentially means they pour acid on your face and burn your
skin off. Whilst watching, you can hear the faint scribblings of the
FBI taking notes. Either that, or your own teeth grinding themselves
into a powder. Next, a hairdresser – camp of course – who threatens perms
and crimps or whatever gawd-awful style he can muster, and a dentist
who wants to remove all of her teeth, and replace them with Stanley
All the while, our menacing presenter rubs her hands together, and dreams of invading a small defenceless country.
Naturally, the 10 Years Younger â€˜contestant’ is burned, dressed up, cut open and brow-beaten to a point that she would be happy if the makeover left her with
one of her arms cut off, kicked out into the winter night with a sign
around her naked waist claiming â€˜I love Jaffa Cakes’. They spin the
mirror for the show’s â€˜reveal’ and understandably, the poor woman
weeps. She is happy. So is Hambleton-Jones. Nicky is happy because
she’s made a difference. The made-over lady is happy that she is free
from the icy grip of a lady who has turned her mind into peas.
The worrying thing is that C4 refer to 10 Years Younger as a
â€œcruel-to-be-kind show.â€ Furthermore, its worrying that these monsters
have a book out. The open gambit of Chapter One reads like this:
â€œThank you for purchasing this book you ugly piece of shit. Throw away all your mirrors. You are a disgrace.â€
Jolly stuff eh? Even if it is completely fictitious.
That doesn’t matter though, as this really is the sentiment of this vomit-fest, and guess what? You can’t get enough of it.
[story by Mof Gimmers]