On a cold winter's day, there's nothing hecklerspray likes more than to curl up next to a roaring fire with a good book to throw into said fire. Paperbacks burn best.
To be sure, online we could read all day, but the third dimension a physical book gives us, well it's just too sensational. It leaves us overloaded and confused. Now that doesn't mean we'd burn just any book, no – just the totally gay ones. And with that being our sole criteria – we gonna have us some ten foot flames pretty soon – Tori Spelling is writing a book. About Tori Spelling.
We heard chapter three deals in depth with the death of her third pony 'Mr. Fancy'.
Tori Spelling is writing a book, and we're told the subject matter is on how she would have killed Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown if she'd ever actually felt like it. Actually, maybe we weren't told that. Everything gets blurry mid-week, you know? The book is actually going to be Tori's 'memoirs,' and her publisher promises us a fascinating read:
“We all think we know who Tori Spelling is because she has grown up in the public eye, but her book will give readers a chance to know the real Tori — a funny and resilient young woman with a fascinating story to tell.”
A good portion of the book is supposed to detail a big fight a teenage Tori had with her maid. Once, you see, Rosalita insufficiently skimmed Spelling's in-ground bedroom-swimming pool, and when Spelling dove off the high dive she almost got a water-logged leaf tangled in her braids. Now that's not as absurd a reaction as it sounds though, because it was a redwood leaf, from one of her three indoor redwood trees. Those leaves are freaking big, man.
Chapter seven shows us the step-by-step procedure Tori Spelling went through to get into character for the 90210 episode where Brandon's crazy girlfriend burned down the school float. Saddest parade ever – remember?
Wait, did we just deliver those last two paragraphs as fact? Because we meant to, as they are both very, very true. Hang on, that could be the mid-week blur again. What may actually be a better and more accurate summation of the book is this one, again provided by Spelling's financially vested publisher. Tori:
"…will let readers experience the truly unique life of Tori Spelling — from childhood privileges to tabloid misperceptions, success and regrets, and ultimately her quest to define herself on her own terms.”
Burn, baby, burn.
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