There are certain places that you’re allowed to swear: in the bedroom of a loved one during some sort of steamy romp, a rum-fuelled pool party round Samuel L. Jackson’s house, a Derek & Clive record.

But there are other places where it’s not so cool to swear: in the bedroom of a dying relative during some sort of last rites, a fundraiser for a Pentecostal Church-sponsored under-eight’s netball team, ON AMERICAN TELEVISION AT ANY TIME AT ALL.

What happens when sweary movies are shown on some of the more sensitive US networks? I mean, the best films feature those dastardly curse-words, don’t they? Whether it’s Joe Pesci telling some ‘C-word’ to go ‘eff his Mother’, Jason Statham telling you to ‘suck his so and so’ or Clark Gable telling Olivia de Havilland in Gone With The Wind that, “Quite frankly, you fucking slag, I couldn’t give a fisherman’s piss!”

So how can television combat this evil, evil language? Awful editing that’s how! They take the offending words, cut them and replace them with re-recorded, inoffensive but audibly similar dialogue. Sometimes they do it well, so that if you’d not seen the movie before and didn’t look at the actor’s face when he says the formerly naughty thing, you just about might not notice. Other times, they’re balls-out-of-the-bath brazen about it. No sync-ing, nothing!

Let’s have a look at the ten funniest examples. C’mon, don’t be shy. LOOK SEE!

Die Hard 2

An extravaganza of cutting-room antics here. The highlight being John McClane’s reaction to a plane about to run him over, “Aaah, shoot!”

Robocop

“So, Mr. TV Exec, can we use the word ‘asshole’? No? How about ‘boner’? Not even that? Blimey. Can we leave in all the people getting their heads kicked in and gunned down in a vicious hail of machine-gun bullets? We can? Oh right.”

Weird Science

Words censored here include: nuts, tongue, studs, whips, bang and nipples. Tee hee hee! Nipples!!!

Casino

I hope the editor here was on commission – Casino had over 750,00 swear words! Fuck!

Scarface

If only it tasted like pineapple, eh lads? Eh? Who’s with me? Yeah! No?

The Usual Suspects

Now this is the kind of thing that should bag you Best Film Editing Oscar. Truly, a thing of beauty…

Big Lebowski

What happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? Same thing that happens when you fight a stranger in the Alps apparently (your car gets smashed up by the fat bloke from Roseanne).

Pulp Fiction

Those fuckers in the editing suite cut every fucking line out of Tarantino’s brilliant fucking screenplay. With what’s left, you may as well just not bother and watch a couple of old episodes on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper or something. A Travesty.

Ghostbusters

Not even an innocuous film like Ghostbusters can get past Ol’ Editing Edward Scissorhands.

Snakes on a Plane

This is the classic of the genre. It doesn’t get any better than Big Sam’s “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” If only all hatchet jobs were this good, we could do away with swear words…

Had enough, you fudgin’ Margaret-flippers? Well, you better had ‘cause that’s it. Go on, scram, you fork-lift cake-sniffers…!

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