It takes more than a brooding and blunt tagline to make a menacing movie monster – ask the master of body horror David Cronenberg, who delivered the scares promised by that unforgettable phrase (actually coined by producer Mel Brooks) with his intensely gooey study of spiced human/fly metamorphic consequences in his brilliant The Fly remake. It was a world away from the tediously bad B-movie fly head and claw terror tactics of the original.
But what of the creature creations which failed to hit the mark? Those unashamedly bad rubber suits that ruled the fore in the 50s, those ridiculous unscary and unreliable mechanical monsters that kept breaking down in the 70s and the even less tangible CGI cartoon creations that have been unleashed in recent times.
Let us present to you seven of the worst and least scariest cinematic creations (additional wetter suggestions are, as always, most welcome)…
7 – King Kong (1976)
Not Peter Jackson‘s nostalgia-infused remake, but the decidedly dodgy 70s disaster, with Jessica Lange screeching the immortal line “Get your hands off me, you goddamn chauvinist pig ape!” Keeping Kong off-screen for over an hour is simply not good enough!
As far as we are concerned, he should never have made an appearance, cause when he does arrive he’s a bloody abomination.
And to add insult to injury, the man in the hairy suit is acclaimed make-up maestro Rick Baker (later to do an arguably better Oscar-nominated job on Tim Burton‘s Planet of the Apes remake). The Japanese robotics originally intended for Kong can be glanced in a ‘blink or your miss it’ shot later on – failing that go on the ace Universal Studios tour of King Kong in Los Angles and see sadly what could have been the king of movie monsters.
6 – Jaws (1975)
We know this is one of the most truly terrifying films of all time, but lets admit it without the dun dun dun dun brilliance of John Williams‘ ground breaking and spine-chilling score old rubber Jaws would have been completely lost at sea.
Though we admit its presence scared the living shit out of us as a little nipper, its a little on the rubbery side now.
5 – Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
“From the depths of the sea… a tidal wave of terror!” Corny Roger Corman releases ludicrous, brain-eating crabs that resemble paper mache turds with claws.
Nothing scary about that… but then again.
4 – Godzilla (1998)
The king of catastrophe, Roland Emmerich, should have listened to Jamiroquai‘s hit song and gone deeper underground with this completely intangible CGI threat.
When he is unleashed to the audience, he appears to more closely resemble a gargantuan computer-generated shit than an actual threat to mankind.
3 – Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)
Believe it or not George Clooney cut his teeth on one of the sequels to this barmy series.
The bouncing ball vegetable (sorry they’re fruit, aren’t they) cretins are about as threatening as a school dinner and should have been squashed to ketchup upon conception.
2 – Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
This original 50s monster terror is a cherished gem in the movie canon, but nothing disguises the fact that the man in the rubber suit routine has dated the terror tactics somewhat.
1 – The Thing From Another World (1951)
A claustrophobic masterpiece, Howard Hawks‘ original 50s The Thing wisely keeps its creature in the dark for the majority of the running time, building up the tension and suspense nicely.
Then he is revealed and unleashed to wreck terror in an isolated arctic laboratory, and the towering cauliflower-head looks more like a fanatical overgrown child who’s lost his toys than the bloodthirsty alien organism he’s hyped up to be.
At least John Carpenter was at hand to innovatively revive the interchangeable threat for the entire duration of his spooky metamorphic 80s rehash.
[story by Oliver Pfeiffer]
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Hey!!
mst3kster says
You had another chance and you blew it!!!
You forgot Milton from Office Space and his giant killer stapler from Hell.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tp1212 says
killer tomatoes is a parody, stupid.
Phil says
come on, obviously attack of the killer tomatoes is a spoof on the old horrors from the 50s.its a comedy
Tony says
Obviously a product of our current movie fx generation. You’re taking them out of the context of their movies and the time they were made. Think like a kid from the 50’s and how scary the “current fx” were back then. Hell, most of the movies today are just big 2 hour ads for the video game. It’s amusing when people compare the movies of today that get their whole theme from older movies and then pan the older movie. “Ha ha, you had to drive a horse and buggy, we have cars now.”
sp says
what was there in KILLER TOMATOES you could just eat them?
RevDrDark says
Ridiculous list. I can agree to a couple of these movies being losers, but you put some true groundbreaking classics here and pan them because they are dated. Everything gets dated eventually, that doesn’t detract from Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Thing or Jaws’ greatness and place in the genre’s history. Also. Killer Tomatoes weren’t meant to be scary, a fact which I hope you realize. A badly chosen and forgettable list. Boo, hiss.
Angel says
Aaaaaah George Clooney! Now that is scary!
Erik T says
Creature From the Black Lagoon was state of the freakin art back then!! It was actually WAAAAAY ahead of its time. Just look at the headpiece of the suit. The freakin gills move in and out,…thats pretty advanced special effects for that time. Plus,…how in the hell can you have JAWS in that list? JAWS scared the hell out of EVERYONE! Looked like a shark to me. Killer Tomatoes? Uh,…dude,….if you sat through the whole movie and never figured out it was a spoof film,…then I dont like you are qualified to create this list. And just for the record,….the original King Kong was awesome. The OLD OLD one. Furthermore, the 1970’s remake kicked the crap out of Peter Jackson’s debacle. He should have called it “ORKIN MAN’S NIGHTMARE”. Im suprised you dont have the monster from “Cloverfield” in this list.
Hay says
You forgot Death Bed — the bed that eats!!!
raichu says
omfg those were real funny movies, though some didnt show the monsters
Oliver Pfeiffer says
I think most of you have got the wrong end of the stick and missed the point here – I CONSIDER SOME OF THESE MOVIES TO BE SOME OF THE BEST AND MOST SCARIEST MOVIES EVER, BUT THE CREATURES ARE A BIT ON THE CREAKY SIDE – that’s the point: Scary movies don’t necessarily have scary monsters but its the suspense that lingers long in the mind not the frigging man in the suit. And I was pulling your legs by including Tomatoes…tried to inject a little humour but failed admittingly.
gir says
Oliver–you seem to have grossly overestimated the intelligence of the hecklerspray audience. Think “celebrity obsessed 12-year-old girl being played by a 50-year-old sanitation worker from East LA.”
Oliver Pfeiffer says
Acute observation – and nicely put
Flu-Bird says
THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH its some gillman freakfish running around with hotdogs sticking out of its piehole
Marty says
This is bullshit. You use a clip from a theme park attraction to illustrate a movie, you rag on films made 60 years ago and fail to realise that Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a parody. Weak. Really, really weak.