Some movie action heroes really don't cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse.
They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, "they are all fart and no shit." Anyway, you get the idea. They're the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing.
Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says 'wait a minute'. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on!
Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven…
7. Mark Wahlberg
We're just not buying it. Ok, he may have the roughened face of Britney's Spear's wizard-sleeved vagina, but he is about four foot tall.
6. Leonardo Di Caprio
How can you take a man with a sprout for a head seriously as an action hero. Yet, he keeps getting these roles, somehow. We particularly love the fact that he feels compelled to grow bumfluff around his chin to make him look harder.
5. Elijah Wood
Now, it hurts to say this because we love Lord of the Rings and especially 'nasty hobbittess'. And we know it's all about how even the smallest person can make a difference, but come on, Tolkien. Who are you trying to kid? Forget Mordor, try walking down Brixton or the Bronx with your fancy ring, and let's see how far you get.
4. Ethan Hawke
Are you serious? He is another who feels compelled to grow bumfluff to make him look harder but it only manages to make him look like a 14-year-old kid. Could anyone really be intimidated by Ethan Hawke? We've seen more meat on a jockey's whip.
3. Daniel Radcliffe
We can only assume that the only reason Voldemort didn't snap his neck was that he didn't want to hit a kid with glasses. Or maybe he just felt sorry for the geek. Yes, he can probably turn us into a pile of turd or something, but getting the better of him is easy. Just snap his magic wand, and we don't mean the one he got out in that play where he has 'relations with a horse'.
2. Nicolas Cage
Look, the guy is a joke. Why should any self-respecting baddie get beaten up by a man with ridiculous hair, the body of whippet and a penchant for Elvis?
1. Tom Cruise
Put it this way, you have more to fear from the hobbit – he's taller. Mission Impossible? Hardly.
Kittylitter says
Q. What do you call a man with no arms?
A. Shitty Bum
Well you brought up arses and shit!
bumfluff says
Whoever said DiCaprio, Wood, Hawke and Radcliffe were action heroes? I suppose you consider Sharon Stone a serious actress.
mst3kster says
I enjoyed your list.
However, I’d like to give a shout-out to Tobey Maguire.
*singing*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
How the heck does he go to the can?
When he poops, when he pees
Does it run down past his knees?…
Dick Squad says
worst list ever, you steal fucking jokes and make fun of non-action actors while calling them action stars…..elijah wood? fuck, really. leonardo dicaprio? again, really. awesome action movies you all must be watching, then…asses
about robin williams, he was in more ‘action’ movies than fucking daniel radcliffe…..crist…..
you suck, not funny.
fuck you
Jon says
Mark Wahlberg actually did time in juvy for stealing cars before getting into acting. He’s a bit more mean streets than the rest of the guys you named. So, he might look fairly weak, but I bet he could actually f*ck you up pretty well.
Oh, and Christian Slater? Where’s he on this list?
finally, @ bumfluff: DiCaprio – Gangs of New York and Hawke – The Time Machine/Memento/L.A. Confidential. Wood and Radcliffe I’ll give you, because they were supposed to look weak and childlike.
CptEvil says
mst3kster, I think you have a future as a poet.
This list screams for a cage match. Then we could bet on who would cry first.
carmela says
woo-hoo someone else thinks nicholas cage is crap. i thought i was alone!
theWoodpecker says
Ethan Hawke was not in ‘the Time Machine’, ‘Memento’, or ‘L.A. Confidential’ — you are thinking of Guy Pearce. Ethan Hawke went action-y in ‘Training Day’ and ‘Assault on Precinct 13’. Ranking an actor playing “boy wizard” hardly qualifies him as an action star. Elijah Wood? Wtf? I’m a little confused at this list. It would make some sense if all the actors picked were actually trying to portray tough guys, but Harry Potter and Frodo aren’t really throwing their hat into the “I’m a bad ass” arena.
bumfluff says
Jon, you’re confusing Ethan Hawke with Guy Pearce, who might have a manly name but is also rather sissified.
David Schwartz says
I think Dick Squad is angry. Is he Tom Cruise???
Candy Ass says
Where is Zsa Zsa Gabor in this list??? I can’t believe you f*cks! All your taste is in your mouths! What was that film where Zsa Zsa knocks the sh*t out of a cop and the- wait….Traffic Stop or something. I can’t remember. And Michael Jackson’s baby. And that guy at that Akon concert who was tossed offstage like Satan’s rebel throne from the walls of Heaven….and in GRAND fashion, too! F*CKING funny that.
Rusty says
I think the movie in which Elijah played a bad ass is Green Street which is about football hooligans and is a steaming pile of shit with the young hobbit coming across about as hard as Tom Hanks in Big.
I think more important than how hard they are or are not is the fact that they seem to insist on appearing in shit films
Morten says
I’m sorry, but I don’t think that list is very good.
Mark Wahlberg, Nick Cage and Tom Cruise are all plausible action heroes, and as others have pointed out – the remaining actors on the list are not action heroes.