Some movie action heroes really don't cut the mustard. They may be able to talk the talk. But when it comes to walking the walk, they are a drunken, one-legged tramp with a bad limp, short arms and an itchy arse.
They are all mouth and no trousers. Or as our sweet old grandma used to say, "they are all fart and no shit." Anyway, you get the idea. They're the action heroes in film that you know in the real world would not stand up to much. In fact, without the CGI and the body double they are nothing.
Now, movies are all about pretend. We understand that. But there are limits, right? There is a point when your imagination stands up and says 'wait a minute'. And here at hecklerspray we feel it is our duty to expose such charlatans. For the good of mankind, of course. Oh, and if any of the following want to question it, we will be waiting outside. Bring it on!
Behold, the Not-So-Magnificent Seven…
7. Mark Wahlberg
We're just not buying it. Ok, he may have the roughened face of Britney's Spear's wizard-sleeved vagina, but he is about four foot tall.
6. Leonardo Di Caprio
How can you take a man with a sprout for a head seriously as an action hero. Yet, he keeps getting these roles, somehow. We particularly love the fact that he feels compelled to grow bumfluff around his chin to make him look harder.
5. Elijah Wood
Now, it hurts to say this because we love Lord of the Rings and especially 'nasty hobbittess'. And we know it's all about how even the smallest person can make a difference, but come on, Tolkien. Who are you trying to kid? Forget Mordor, try walking down Brixton or the Bronx with your fancy ring, and let's see how far you get.
4. Ethan Hawke
Are you serious? He is another who feels compelled to grow bumfluff to make him look harder but it only manages to make him look like a 14-year-old kid. Could anyone really be intimidated by Ethan Hawke? We've seen more meat on a jockey's whip.
3. Daniel Radcliffe
We can only assume that the only reason Voldemort didn't snap his neck was that he didn't want to hit a kid with glasses. Or maybe he just felt sorry for the geek. Yes, he can probably turn us into a pile of turd or something, but getting the better of him is easy. Just snap his magic wand, and we don't mean the one he got out in that play where he has 'relations with a horse'.
2. Nicolas Cage
Look, the guy is a joke. Why should any self-respecting baddie get beaten up by a man with ridiculous hair, the body of whippet and a penchant for Elvis?
1. Tom Cruise
Put it this way, you have more to fear from the hobbit – he's taller. Mission Impossible? Hardly.