It is as inevitable as day turning into night, Gordon Ramsay swearing and every odd numbered Star Trek movie being rubbish* ? the summer blockbuster season is always ripe with disappointment.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here but it's true; this year has already proven that! – hello Wolverine, hello Terminator: Salvation – but there is hope and hype on the horizon – the year isn't over yet.
So here at hecklerspray we have decided to compile a list of films that you shouldn’t be looking forward to, no matter what anybody says.
*Proven wrong this year so the list is fallible.
5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
Clearly movies based on toys are the next ?it? thing – see; Transformers 2. G.I. Joe (or Action Man ? The Greatest Hero Of Them All as we call him) is being thrust onto the silver screen this summer with ol? jug-ears Christopher Eccleston being all bad and ol? ?I'll get my jugs out for a fiver? Sienna Miller being all moody. we're not sure why this is being made but it's got a following and some decent names involved. We just can't help shake the fact it's based on a shoddy line of toys and is just a walking, talking advert which makes us feel all used inside.
4. Inglourious Basterds
This is on here for a simple reason ? It's Tarantino, master of the over-hyped, disappointing film (See; Kill Bill vol 2, Jackie Brown). There is no doubt that while it may be filled with a few choice chunks of quotable dialogue here and there, it's not going to come close to his first two films. Although Brad Pitt looks pretty bad-ass with that neck scar.
3. Sherlock Holmes
Luckily for the viewing public the c-word wasn?t invented in 19th century England. Shame for Guy Ritchie, though, as he?ll have to pad his script out with an alternative phrase to shove between every other word, in his adaptation of the sleuth spy?s adventures. Although, with Downey Jnr. under the deerstalker cap some hope remains but, then again, Ritchie hasn't made a good film since Snatch.
2. Avatar
Picture this: you've taken just over ten years off of work to go swanning about in the ocean. Do you think you'd come back to work firing on all prune-fingered cylinders? Well James Cameron hopes so, as does his army of devoted followers. Avatar sees the director return behind the camera for the first film since Titanic took over the world. Not a single piece of footage, still or a decent summary of the plot has been released yet and with only a few months left ?til opening it could all come crashing down for the man who once proclaimed ?I'm the king of the world!??we?ll see about that come November, Mr Cameron.
1. Twilight ? New Moon
The onslaught of the screaming fan-girls hasn't let-up since Twilight sucked all the joy out of rational cinema goers back last year. Still, the film has its following and all the principle cast return for more spooky/romantic encounters later this year. Presumably because Robert Pattinson realised he won't get much work once the franchise is over and because Kristen Stewart was probably stoned when she agreed.
Can a film that gets made within a year of the original really stand a chance of being any good? Look at the Saw franchise and you\’ll get an idea of the slippery path the Twilight saga is sliding down. Expect much denial from the fanbase come November when the film is released and the third entry in the franchise to dilute the formula even more the following year.
At least we only have to deal with the vacuous black hole of wit and charisma that is Robert Pattinson once a year ? God forbid they start churning these out twice a year.
Steven says
“GI Joe” will be mindless fun.
“Sherlock Holmes” could be hit or miss.
Who knows how “Avatar” will turn out.
Forget the Pattinson fangirls , I have a massive crush on “Kristin Stewart” so I’ll probably go to see it regardless. That movie will be criticproof anyway.
barbara says
I’m an overly obsessed twilight fan and I’m hopelessly in love with R Pattz so my happy ass will be there on 11-20-09 front and center. fuck the critics what do they know anyway. no one thought twilight would bring in the money and it blew away the competition on opening day.
caro says
i dislike the first “twilight”!
Avatar has a good luck(Cameron is a very great director except “true lies”)
on “Sherlock holmes”,i dislike Ritchie movies since his beginning.
on Tarantino “bastards”,it’s a Tarantino movie so you like Tarantino movie,i’ll like it! otherwise?
on “GI joe”,the rumor said the director is fired and it’s the worst screen test of Paramount history! so?
Diggity dog says
Your fucking retarded avatar might be the best movie ever made