If you’re an asshole, chances are you’ll end up in the film industry. It’s full of them – actors, producers, PR people, agents, critics.
It would have taken years to compile a list of the biggest assholes in film. Possibly even decades. That’s just how ripe with assholes the movie world is. So we’ve decided to bottle out and go for fictional assholes who only appear in movies instead. Don’t judge us.
All 30 of the swines, after the jump…
30. Miss Piggy
From: The Muppet films (1979-present)
Voiced by Frank Oz
Nerotic, needy, shallow, possessive, manipulative, aggressive, violent, self-obsessed, vain.? We’ve all got an ex-girlfriend like this.
“Hello little people, what an absolutely splendid day.”
29. The Hunter
From: Bambi (1942)
Played by?Jean-Claude?Van Damme (OK, maybe not)
He killed Bambi’s mum.??In the pulling of an off-screen trigger, The Hunter destroys all childhood illusions of safety and security within maternal care.? It’s a cruel, cruel world kids.? Only a Belgian could be so cruel
“BOOM!”
28. Cruella De Vil
From: 101 Dalmations (1961)
Voiced by Betty Lou Gerson
She wants to kill puppies for God’s sake! 101 of them! How evil can you get?!
“I don’t care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!”
27. Warden Norton
From: The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Played by Bob Gunton
Norton begins the film as a strict God-fearing disciplinarian, running one of the toughest prisons in America.? Then falls rapidly from grace when he begins capitalising on the skills of Andy Dufrense.? He’s running his prison for personal profit, keeping Andy inside despite knowing he’s innocent and killing those who threaten his business.
“I believe in two things: Discipline and the Bible. Here you’ll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord; your ass belongs to me. Welcome to Shawshank.”
26. Biff Tannen
From: Back to the Future trilogy (1985-1990)
Played by Thomas F. Wilson
Biff manages to consistantly be a cock over the course of about 70 years.? He remains an idiot, a bully and a sex pest throughout.? Even his ancestor “Mad Dog” Tannen was a total brown eye.
“My insurance? It’s your car. Your insurance should pay for it. I wanna know who’s gonna pay for this. [Pulls at his shirt]? I spilled beer all over it?when that car smashed into me. Who’s gonna pay my cleaning bill?”
25. White Witch
From: The Chronicles of Narnia (2005-2008)
Played by Tilda Swinton
Completely evil, she seized power in Narnia and plunged it into a terrified, freezing winter. Anything less than total obedience is punished by magical transformation into a tacky garden ornament.? She is Lewis’s representation of?Satan, but?she scared off Father Christmas, that’s enough to get her on the list!
“I have no interest in prisoners. Kill them all.”
24. Stu Shepard
From: Phonebooth (2002)
Played by Colin Farrell
Stu?finally accepts that he’s a manipulative little tosspot, breaks down and spills out this rambling apology.? All it took?was a sniper rifle and a few dead innocent bystanders.
“I have never done anything for anybody who couldn’t do something for me.”
23. Sheriff of Nottingham
From: Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)
Played by Alan Rickman
Good old Alan, you can rely on him to provide a loathable bad guy.?The?Sean Connery has?gone off to the?Holy Land for some?pillaging and this little turd comes to the fore. As well as being a merciless, cruel, money-grabbing sexual deviant, he’s a devil worshipper. Could there be a better bad guy for Robin and his band of ethnically diverse communists?
“What a beautiful child. So young, so alive, so unaware of how precarious life can be. I had a very sad childhood, I’ll tell you about it sometime. I never knew my parents; it’s amazing I’m sane.”
22. Hans Gruber
From: Die Hard (1988)
Played by Alan Rickman
Egocentric, ruthless, German.? It’s easy to hate him. Hans takes an entire building hostage to rob its vault. He ruins the office Christmas party quicker than realising you weren’t the first person to bareback Tracy from accounting on the photocopier that night.
“And When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer”
21. Saddam Hussein
From: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut (1999)
Voiced by Matt Stone
He’s so evil that even Satan thinks he’s a bit of a dick. In his own words, he’s?“a sandy little butthole” and he really is, he’s tricked Satan, who really is a nice guy, into bringing about a kind of?Canada-induced?apocalypse that will unleash the fires of Hell on to the earth. And he doesn’t even cuddle after sex.
“Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?”
20. Begbie
From: Trainspotting (1996)
Played by Robert Carlyle
He’s an asshole, not a madman. While he’s got an explosive temper with the sortest of fuses, Begbie has a sense of right and wrong. He knows that glassing a girl to start a fight with her boyfriend is wrong, but it’s fun. He just doesn’t care about other people, be they friends or otherwise. Actually he’s the only one in the film that ISN’T suffering a crippling heroin addiction, he’s probably the only one who really is in control of his actions.
“That lassie got glassed, and no c*nt leaves here till we find out what c*nt did it”
19. Colin Sullivan
From: The Departed (2006)
Played by Matt Damon
Now here’s a slimy wanker. Idolises the irish mob boss Frank Costello so much that he sets off to become his informant on the inside of the police department. He’s so good at being both cop and stoolie that he’s assigned to find the mole… that’s him! The film revolves around Sullivan building his career, spinning lies and getting good cops killed. Oh, and he can’t get it up.
“You got a nice suit at home, or do you like coming to work everyday dressed like you’re going to invade Poland?”
18. Prof Severus Snape
From: Harry Potter series (2001-2009)
Played by Alan Rickman
A greasy little worm, but dangerous enough to be wary of. He’ll gladly push around?children and?weasel his way around adults. He’s a racist too, having referred to?those?of a less than pure magical upbringing as ‘mudbloods’, even though he is one himself.
“Veritaserum. Three drops of this and You-Know-Who himself would spill his darkest secrets. The use of it on a student is, regrettably, forbidden. However, should you steal from my personal stores again, my hand might just slip over your morning pumpkin juice.”
17. Tony Montana
From: Scarface (1983)
Played by Al Pacino
Kills everyone who'stands in his way. He really isn’t impressed by anything other than more money for him.??He starts the film as an ambitious?refugee and the end he’s?losing his mind to?powder-fuelled paranoia. It was being an asshole that got him to where is today… shot to tiny bits by angry Colombians.
“You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
16. John ‘Axe’ Adcox
From: Backdraft (1991)
Played by Scott Glenn
This film really is the pinnacle of hero worship cheese movies. If Top Gun was the foreplay, this is the awkward cuddle in the wet patch afterwards. An arsonist is setting some really specific fires to kill men connected to the closure of fire houses. Doesn’t take a genius (thankfully, because all we had was the cheapest of the Baldwin brothers) to realise it’s probably a firefighter.
Adcox is a fireman who spent far too long to be believable surveying the lethal power of fire. So when it looks like the city of Chicago will be less capable of dealing with fires, he starts setting more.? While you can sympathise with being a bit peeved with this, it seems a bit counter-productive, especially when the newbie dies. Cue Bruce Hornsby, roll montage, jog on.
“Your Dad died saving my life and these people were killing firemen for MONEY!”
15. Norman Spencer
From: What?Lies Beneath (2000)
Played by Harrison Ford
This is?an asshole you don’t see until late on, because it’s Harrison Ford. It’s?Han Solo and Indiana Jones, he’s a bit of a sleaze, but a good guy. Not a cheating, lying murderer who was such a cock that spirits?come back to get their revenge. But Norman?Spencer is a?devious?git. When his wife discovers?his affair, she has a car?’accident’, in?which she suffers a brain injury. The girlfriend has disappeared, along?with any real memory of the whole incident. Norman has his cake, eats it, licks up the crumbs and hides the empty plate.
Then his girlfriend contacts his wife in the time-honoured horror fashion: Using steam, mirrors, an old computer and a mild dose of demonic possession. Indy… sorry, Spencer finally twigs what’s going on and decides another murder will solve the problem.
“Yes. I had an affair with her. And when I tried to break it off… she became unstable. She came out here to the house. She threatened to kill herself… or you. I didn’t think she’d go through with any of it. But then she… She disappeared.”
14. Howard Payne
From: Speed (1994)
Played by Dennis Hopper
OK, so he doesn’t spend much time on screen at all, and his plan does involve killing Keanu Reeves, so what makes him an asshole? He was a cop that defused bombs and saved lives. Then he has an accident and looses a digit. Rather than taking this as a warning about how dangerous explosives are and thus, how important his job is, he goes on a very long-winded bombing spree. Rather than just threatening to blow up a bus, he rigs so it must remain at speed unheard of for public transport. How selfish do you have to be? You lose a pinky and decide it is worth killing dozens of people to get a ridiculous amount of ransom/compensation.
“See, I’m in charge here! I drop this stick, and they pick your friend here up with a sponge! Are you ready to die, friend?”
13. Dennis?Nedry
From: Jurassic Park, (1993)
Played by Wayne Knight
Here’s another asshole who kills Samuel L Jackson. Well, technically a dinosaur does the killing, but you can’t blame it. He was just hungry and Samuel L Jackson tastes like chicken. Nedry is a disgusting fat pie of a man with massive debts. He gets a job as a computer programmer at dinosaur Disneyland, which can’t pay badly.
Unfortunately, Nedry’s lard addiction outstrips his earnings and he decides to sell dino babies. So far, nothing too bad, I can forgive bit of thievery. But here’s the kicker. He switches off the power to everything to make his getaway. Including the electric fences, the only things keeping the island’s?humans from becoming a smorgasboard for Dino. And it’s not as if he didn’t know what he was doing: HE DESIGNED THE SYSTEM! Yeah, if I was a dilophosaurus, I’d spit in his face too.
“Oh, ah… I finished debugging the programmes, but there were some errors. So for the next 10-15 minutes some power might shut down, but it’s only temporary, nothing to worry about.”
12. Brick Top
From: Snatch (2000)
Played by Alan Ford
Unlikeable if hilarious, this horrible hole only shows any kind of affection for his pet piggies,?whom he feeds people to.
“Do you know what nemesis means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible c*nt… me.”
11. Dr. Rene Belloq
From: Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Played by Paul Freeman
A greedy little git to say the least. He’ll do just about anything to get his hands on whatever booty takes his fancy. He’s happy to let our heroic Indy do the life-threatening work for the gold idol, then even has a tribe of Hovitos indians on hand to chase him off. But then again, this is the Jewish guy working for the Nazis, so he can be the first guy to discover history’s greatest weapon and GIVE IT TO HITLER!
“You and I are very much alike. Archeology is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.”
10. Idi Amin
From: Last King of Scotland (2006)
Played by Forest Whitaker
Nothing says asshole like a spot of?genocide. So Idi really earns his place on this list. The cannabalism just adds to the chap’s charm
“Look at you. Is there one thing you have done that is good? Did you think this was all a game? ‘I will go to Africa and I will play the white man with the natives’. Is that what you thought? We are not a game, Nicholas. We are real. This room here, it is real. I think your death will be the first real thing that has happened to you.”
9. Gny. Sgt. Hartman
From: Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Played by R. Lee Ermy
It’s a bit worrying that Ermy was only?supposed to be a technical advisor on the film, but after proving far more intimidating than anything Kubrick could invent he was cast in the film. Hartman?manages to blend a volatile cocktail of wit and pure hate. He?doesn’t care about skin colour, you are all maggots. He shows no mercy to those who are slow to keep up and punishes the group for the sins of?individuals.
He'strips?recruits of their?identities and push them until they crack. Ultimately, one of them shooting him for it.
“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy, fucking, walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!”
8. Sgt. Barnes
From: Platoon (1986)
Played by Tom Berenger
In a film packed full of assholes, Barnes is by far the biggest. He puts?little value on human life and none at all on “gook” lives. He’s got this good and evil thing going on with Willem Dafoe‘s pot smoking Sgt. Elias. The duelling of wills and morality between the two reaches a high point when Barnes whips his men up into a murderous frenzy in a Vietnamese village, willing to kill children and old men for imformation.
Most of this sequence is based on the factual massacre at My Lai, firmly anchoring Barnes in the realms of realism? The more outrageous he gets, the more real it seems, the more of an asshole he becomes.
“Y’all loved Elias. And you want to kick ass. Yeah. Well, here I am, all by my lonesome. And there ain’t anybody gonna know. Six of you boys against me. Kill me”
7. Maj. Vic ‘Deake’ Deakins
From: Broken Arrow (1996)
Played by John Travolta
John Travolta’s got that smug look that shows he believes he can make panties dissolve with a smile and a wiggle of his hips. It just makes?the rest?of the world?want to slap him. Which doesn’t help Deake’s appeal. He swaggers about,?tries to kill his co-pilot, tries to steal two nuclear warheads, tries to hold the government to ransom. He tries to do a lot and buggers most of it up.? Christian?Slater survives to be?a?pain in the ass and ultimately watch as Deake recieves a warhead in the balls.
“I just realised something. I never actually killed anyone before. I mean, I dropped bombs on Baghdad, but, uh… never face to face. I don’t know what the big deal is. I really don’t.”
6. Bill
From: Kill Bill I & II (2003-2004)
Played by David Carradine
A prize prick this one. Lass falls in love with him, he trains her to be a killer, he gets her up the duff, she realises Mothercare don’t make kevlar, she quits and goes to get married. Asshole gatecrashes wedding rehersal, acts all sweet and charming, then has everyone killed… even Samuel?L Jackson!? Not only does he shoot his lass IN THE HEAD!?Then he'somehow raises their lovechild, keeping?the whole thing a secret, while lass goes on the rampage thinking child was never born!
THEN, doesn’t even hold back in trying to kill lass once mother and daughter have just started to bond. If this guy went on Jeremy Kyle, there’d be some serious “this is my?show, you disgust me, shut up, this is me, you’re on my show, you disgust me, shut up you’re on my show” moments.
“I didn’t say I was going to explain myself. I said I was going to tell you the truth. But if that’s too cryptic, let’s get literal. I’m a killer. A murdering bastard, you know that. And there are consequences to breaking the heart of a murdering bastard. You experienced some of them”
5. Nurse Ratched
From: One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
Played by Louise Fletcher
One of the few women to make it on to our list of sphincters. And a massive one she is. She rules her psychiatric ward with a total lack of humour or compassion, and total control. When some of the patients begin to show signs of improvement and discuss their recovery, she destroys them with notching more than a few choice words and a raised eyebrow. She’ll really ruin any of those kinky nurse fantasies you had.
“If Mr. McMurphy doesn’t want to take his medication orally, I’m sure we can arrange that he can have it some other way. But I don’t think that he would like it.”
4. Amon Goethe
From: Schindler’s List (1993)
Played by Ralph Fiennes
Goethe does well in asshole top trumps. He runs Plazow?concentration camp with a particular callousness.? Outwardly showing no regard for the suffering around him, he only flirts with mercy after Schindler convinces him it could make him appear stronger. This fails miserably and Goethe resumes his habit of sniping the camp prisoners from his mansion balcony. He does, however, battle his conscience when confronting his house maid,?Helen,?who he can’t decide whether to love or shoot.
“I would like so much to reach out to you and touch you in your loneliness. What would it be like, I wonder? What would be wrong with that? I realise that you are not a person in the strictest sense of the word, but, um, maybe you’re right about that too. Maybe what’s wrong, it’s not us, it’s this… I mean, when they compare you to vermin, to rodents and to lice. I just, uh, you make a good point. You make a very good point. Is this the face of a rat? Are these the eyes of a rat? “Hath not a Jew eyes?” I feel for you Helen.”
3. Carter Burke
From: Aliens (1986)
Played by Paul?Reiser
A career company man through and through, Burke sends a family of salvagers?into the wreck that contained the alien from the first film. When the entire human population of that planet?go quiet Burke decides?sending a squad of marine in to have a look is a good idea. Seem?stupid to you? Get this, HE GOES ALONG TOO!
So,?he’s?a bit slow? No, he’s a bit of a dick,?so focussed?on promotion and paypackets that he’ll gladly put himself and others in the line of sharp claws and acid blood. He tries to infect Ripley and Newt with the alien so he can?smuggle it back and help the company turn it into a bio-weapon. When the aliens come looking for a snack he legs it out the back door, locking everyone in with the hungry little blighters. And he wears a body warmer.?Asshole.
“Those specimens, are worth millions to the bio-weapons corperation. If you’re smart, we can both come out of it as heroes and we’ll be set up for life.”
2. Ozymandias
From: Watchmen (2009)
Played by Matthew Goode
He’s the world’s smartest man, he’s quicker than a bullet and he’s got no people skills. His genius is only surpassed by his ego. Ozzie cons?a man?so powerful that can alter time, space and matter as well as be huge, blue and naked.?He also sinks as low as giving innocent people cancer to fool?the poor?giant smurf. Ozymandias is unlikable because he’s got just about everything tied up. His dastardly plan is so coolly considered through his super grasp of logic that it starts to seem reasonable. He’s going to avert nuclear disaster… by blowing up?the world’s biggest cities.
“The only person with whom I felt any kinship with died three hundred years before the birth of Christ. Alexander of Macedonia, or Alexander the Great, as you know him.”
1. Forrest Taft
From: On?Deadly Ground (1994)
Played by Steven Seagal
An appalling film from beginning to end. There’s something about Seagal movies that can make great actors like Michael Caine, R. Lee Ermy, Tommy Lee Jones, John C. McGinley, Billy Bob Thornton, Colm Meany, Pam Grier, Sharon Stone, Kurt Russell, Halle Berry, John Leguizamo, Brian Cox, Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper and countless others look totally ridiculous.
Perhaps it has something to do with Steven being involved in the writing, directing and/or producing of most of?his films that?condemns potentially?great?films to the bargain bucket in the supermarket. I’m?not saying this because I once met Seagal and he was a grumpy old?git who?really is as wooden and emotionless in real life as on film.
It’s mostly because of On Deadly Ground. Lots of explosions and shooting?and a?pretty good idea for a plot are diluted with Seagal spouting total arse gravy about kung-fu Inuit zen spiritualism. But back to the point, Forrest Taft is an asshole. His idea of?getting all Greenpeace on an irresponsible oil company is to blow up their rig.
Yeah, that’s a pretty big plot hole there Steve, I know you only directed this one, but please. Taft is supposed to be the man who?PUTS OUT potentially catastrophic fires on oil rigs. So he gets revenge for fires caused by faulty equipment but starting fires?using a pony tail?and firearms. I hold?Steven Segal personally responsible for the nonsense going on in the Gulf of Mexico. Wanker.
“I wouldn’t dirty my bullets”
Honourable mentions:
Withnail
The Fratelli Family (The Goonies)
Eddie Temple (Layer Cake)
Angel Eyes (The Good, The Bad and the Ugly)
Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)
Senator Palpatine (Star Wars I,II,III)
Norman Sansfield (Leon)
Mr Blonde (Reservoir Dogs)
Hatchet Harry (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)
Anton Chigurgh (No Country For Old Men)
Michael Corleone (Godfather Trilogy)
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Ot says
you’ve forgotten Tyler Durden, from fight club, the greatest asshole from the movies ever
JoeClyde says
Chet Donnelly from Weird Science.