Not so long ago Uncle Hecklerspray sat you on its knee and told you about Mariah Carey?s champagne-inspired ?Best Breakthrough Actress? award acceptance speech at the Palm Springs International Film Festival awards.
Well, it's time to nestle yourselves back onto Uncle?s lap again. That's it, get comfortable. Why don't you fetch yourself a nice big mug of Horlick?s and listen to your Uncle H tell you about some more celebrities who’ve been on TV worse for wear. Say, 12 of them? Okay.
Just don't touch Uncle Hecklerspray?s beard while he's talking?
12 – Ollie Reed on Aspel & Company
The king of the elbow-benders Oliver Reed once drank 106 pints of beer in a two day session. Demonstrating his love of the shant here (and also an alarming penchant for chinos), he jazzes up what looks to be an otherwise dull programme. Michael Aspel interviewing Su Pollard anyone?
11 – Ollie Reed on After Dark
Reed made lubricated appearances on other shows such as The Word, but his appearance on After Dark, a tedious eighties late-night discussion show trumps them all. Sloshed throughout and barely comprehensible, his interjections on feminism don't go down very well. Much like a feminist. The crowning glory here is the line, “Give us a kiss, big tits!” Gawd bless ya?, Ollie.
10 – Kerry Katona on This Morning
No-one wants to read about the frozen food-whoring, oxygen-stealing former Atomic Kitten. But this list would be incomplete without mention of her “M?on meddy-cashion at night times thass why I'm schlurrin? ma speeeeech” silliness. Kudos to Philip Schofield for maximum patronisation here, although we are duty-bound to inform you that Katona maintains she wasn’t actually drunk through any of this.
9 – Ben Affleck
Being a Hollywood star?s quite good isn't it? You drink complementary champagne with Matt Damon until 4am, you go on TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. You flirt with attractive French Canadian presenters. And share a cab home with her. Later your wife comes home, she's Jennifer Garner. Yep, quite good.
8 – Danny DeVito on The View
Being a Hollywood star?s quite good isn't it? You drink complementary Limoncellos with George Clooney until 4am, go on live TV the next day still steaming to promote your new film. Then you flirt with Bette Midler. And share a cab home with Rosie O?Donnell. When you get there your wife?s waiting. It's the ugly curly-haired one from Cheers. You're 4?3?. Yep, quite go? Oh.
7 – Verne Troyer on Celebrity Big Brother
Incredibly, Danny DeVito?s not the shortest man on this list. Here?s Mini-Me crashing his scooter in the Big Brother Diary Room door. He was drunk, but to be fair to the little man, he had two chocolate liqueurs that evening.
6 – Paula Abdul
There were too many clips to choose from here, so we've gone for a montage. Again, like Katona, Paula Abdul maintains that this is her in her natural state. Which seems worse, in many ways.
5 – James Brown
Now this is how you do drunk. None of this ?See it off! Zulu warrior!?, traffic cones on heads and fights in the toilets of Flares nightclub nonsense. Follow the Godfather of Soul?s technique: You get loaded in the morning, take part in an interview about how you're on bail for shooting at your wife, you wear the world's biggest yellow shades and randomly shout out the titles of James Brown hits. LIVING IN AMERICA!
4 – Steve-O on Too Late With Adam Carolla
Steve-O is an idiot. Or, he is a fiercely intelligent post-modern satirist. Either way, here?s him being drunk. On TV.
3 – Sam Fox on The Club
In 2003, everybody?s favourite Page three model turned singer turned lesbian turned dull I'm A Celebrity? contestant Sam Fox featured in a reality show called The Club, working in a nightclub. You see where this is going don't you? At least you'd better, c?mon this is the tenth one of these? That's it! She got drunk. Look see.
2 – Anna Nicole Smith at awards show
To marry a 132-year-old man you'd need a bit of Dutch courage. Before her appearance at this awards ceremony, Anna Nicole Smith is thought to have had two big jugs of ale. Two big jugs! Ha!
1 – Kevin Bishop at the Comedy Awards
Look how angry Bishop gets that a series only slightly less worse than his own wins an award that he is also nominated for. He's so angry and irritating and drunk here that you just want to punch him in the face. And then punch him again. Head butt and kick him a few times, then smash his stupid Kevin Bishop face against a table until he's in a state that would render him completely unable to be recommissioned for another series.
So there you are. Did you enjoy that? Oh, look, you've crumpled Uncle Hecklerspray?s corduroy trousers from wriggling about too much on his lap. The wet patch? Not sure what that is. You must?ve spilt your Horlicks or something?
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Steve Charnock says
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Sunny says
Ben Affleck FTW.
Adam Carolla, after his great and now defunct show, The Man Show, in which he and Kimmel and The Fox swilled copious amounts of beer on television live, must have found Steve O, a painful experience, ha. Nothing worse than blunt adult beverage amateurism to a professional…
ted destratford says
WOT NO Tracey Emin??
belicoso says
I think you could probably claim just about any TV appearance by Anna Nicole as being “drunk-seeming.” The bogus case that she paraded all over the legal system and all the way up to the Supreme Court would make a lot more sense if we knew that she and her attorneys were drunk when they decided that was a good idea. Thankfully that case is finally withering away in the 9th circuit and we won’t have to hear anymore about it…unless websites start posting Top 12: Shameless Celeb Gold-Digger lists.