It's 2010! The start of a brand new year, a time when everything ahead of you is ripe with possibility. How wonderful.
Except it won't be. We hate to break this to you, but 2010 is going to be crap. Just like 2009 was crap, just like 2008 was crap, just like every stinking year since the stupid year that you weren't asked to be born was crap.
Why are we so certain that 2010 will be a great big stinking turd of galactic proportions? Glad you asked – we've assembled the ten most dreadful, unavoidable handfuls of crap that’ll be flung at you before the year is out. Don't say we didn't warn you…
10 – TV: The end of Lost
Lost?s final season starts soon. This is crap mainly because Lost is good – and a world without Lost is obviously worse than a world with Lost – but it's also crap because the writers might balls it all up by revealing that Locke is Jack?s dad, and that Desmond is really an alien and that it was all only dream. If any of these things happen, 2010 will be the crappest year in history.
9 – EVENT: The World Cup
Yes, look, England have got the easiest group and we're going to win and blah blah blah. Except England won't win. England will do what they always do against apparently weak opposition – they?ll complacently swan into the first match, go 2-0 down, end up clawing back a draw, repeat this for the rest of the group matches get knocked out in the quarter finals and come back to see that The Sun has superimposed their heads onto a photo of some cows.? It'll be crap.
8 – ALBUM: Jamie Foxx, Body
Great, thanks, just what we need – an album by a 42-year-old man who thinks he's cooler, funnier and more attractive than he actually is. An album by the bloke from The Soloist. An album by the twonk who hijacked a memorial service for Michael Jackson to show everyone how well he can moonwalk. An album with a lead single called Speak French that sounds like someone has taped down the ?pervert? button on a 1980s Casio keyboard. No. Crap.
7 – FILM: Footloose
Remember Footloose? Remember how you only liked it ironically and would never ever watch it of your own accord? Well, they're doing a remake. Worse, they're doing a remake with the bloke from Gossip Girl. Worse, there's probably going to be a titting electroclash remix of that awful Kenny Loggins song. Ugh.
6 – TV: FlashForward
Now, FlashForward makes the list for one simple reason: the first episode was awesome, but the further FlashForward gets away from the pilot, the worse it becomes. FlashForward isn't returning until March, and that's an awful long way from the pilot. We've got a horrible feeling that, by March, FlashForward is going to be all William Shakespeare shouting “BECAUSE I WAS LOADED, OK?” and none of the stuff about the 20 million dead people. Heroes 2.0, basically. Crap.
5 – FILM: Saw VII
Why? Why? Didn't you run out of exciting ways to kill people about four films ago? What's this one going to be about? Jigsaw slowly beating a man to death with a rolled-up copy of Bella? Making a man eat ice cream so quickly that he gets brainfreeze and dies? Chinese-burning a man to death? Honestly Jigsaw, just shoot people. Shoot them in the head. Your poxy films wouldn't be so bloody unbearable if you just did shot people in the head.
4 – FILM: The Chronicles Of Narnia: Voyage Of The Dawn Treader
Oh really? You're really going to make all the Narnia movies, even though The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe is literally the only one that people like? The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader hasn't got any witches OR wardrobes in it, plus all the adorable child actors from the first film are all about 35 years old by now. Plus it's about a boat. Plus if they keep making Narnia films, we?ll eventually have to put up with The Horse And His Boy, a story about a horse. And a boy. Crap crap crappity crap.
3 – TV: Dancing On Ice
Oh for God?s sake. Another bunch of awful bastards who Celebrity Big Brother didn't want. Another load of tedious Torvill & Dean routines. Another endless, soul-draining reality TV show that takes up too much of your weekend and only gives you the mind-scarring sight of Bobby Davro in a horrible leotard in return. Crap. Unless someone accidentally slices open an artery with one of their skates, in which case we reserve the right to upgrade Dancing On Ice to ?awesome?.
2 – FILM: Eclipse
No. Just no. It isn't even the one where Robert Pattinson chews off Kristen Stewart?s mimsy. Crapula.
1 – ALBUM: Ringo Starr, Y Not
Although Ringo Starr?s last album Liverpool 8 was a work of supreme cack-handed cockery, we feel certain in predicting that Ringo Starr?s new album Y Not will be the absolute worst thing to happen across the entire duration of 2010. Why? Because the album?s press release begins like this:
Throughout recorded history, great artists across the universe have dared to ask “Why?” On January 12, 2010, one brave man named Ringo finally boldly declares the ultimate answer — Y Not.
And also because if we hear Ringo Starr say ?peace and love? one more lousy time, we're going to make a voodoo doll that looks exactly like him and kick the shit out of it. Honestly, he's such a cock.
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Melodie says
He should’ve called it One Brave Man Named Ringo. I’d have bought it, then. I’d have bought it thinking it was a lost John Wayne classic, and so I’d have bought it for my grampa, but I’d have bought it.
Sonny Crockett says
Ringo’s last 3 albums were brilliant. You, dear Stuart are a buffoon.
I’m almost annoyed that I wasted my time on such a cretin as yourself.
“Peace and love!”
Sonny Crockett
Eves says
Eclipse is OK, not crap, you people… R-Pattz and Sten Stewart rock… 2010 will be crap cuz of the excistence of this fillthy blog…
DrWaldo says
Ringo Starr has more talent in his little finger than you have in your entire body,peabrain.
Scott Weaer says
Only in this day and new age would we find dinks like you who r tired of hearing about peace. To you it’s a sad joke because you have found a f’d version of peace thru tech. I’ve heard the new Ringo album in it’s entirety and it’s a blast. The 1st track “Fill InThe Blanks” might be his best song. Peace and love to ya!
10-K says
Hey! I liked the second Narnia movie. The battle scenes were better than LOTR or Avatar. The heavy Christianity people didn’t take their kids because it had too much fighting, stabbing, murder and treachery in it — all the good stuff.
Melissa says
Ringo starr is not crap! So his music isn’t crap! You can’t appreciate good music that is all.
Eclipse on the other hand I agree with you it is shit! It should be number one not number 2! Twilight’s book and movies suck horse ___! I hate Edward! I hate Jacob! I hate the whole movie! I hate Bella especially because she always whines when Edward is not near her!