I recently saw the movie Lawless, where Tom Hardy plays this cardigan-wearing, grunting redneck that sells moonshine illegally. I know this description makes him sound less than extraordinary, but au contraire! I think I’m in love with this man and his manly manliness.
What makes Tom Hardy the manliest manly man in the entire universe? Well, it’s a bit complicated. You see, a lot of layers make the man. Let’s take a journey and see what makes Tom Hardy so…hearty?
Hardy’s the kind of actor who allows his actions to speak volumes, while his words are either nonexistent or one syllabic. The only language he really needs is body language. And okay, I have to admit that I am kind of looking at him as a piece of meat, here. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great actor, but I am a hot blooded heterosexual female and have eyes, so he’s great to look at, too.
Most probably know him as the villain Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. He was super awesome and menacing and everything that Bane is supposed to be, but my imagination was seriously put to the test with the whole mask thing. Am I supposed to just envision those pouty lips that I know are hiding under there? Guess so. “Hey, Tom Hardy’s face is gross! Let’s cover it up with this mask,” said no one (except Christopher Nolan).
Last year, he starred in the movie Warrior, about a mixed marital arts competition or something or other, I don’t know. I was so distracted by muscles. Lots and lots of muscles. Seriously, I want to establish permanent residence on the prime real estate that are his trapezius muscles. There’s this one part in the movie where someone says, “He ripped the door off a tank!” And I was like, “Hell yeah, he did. Because he’s Tom motherfucking Hardy!”
Look at his beard. Just look at it go. It’s like this beautiful, yet masculine, tapestry cascading down from his face. If there were some kind of museum for beards, his would be on display in the great hall. People would be posing with his beard because that is what a beard is supposed to look like. Young boys would look up at their fathers and ask, “Daddy, why don’t you have a beard like that?” And the fathers would say, with chagrin, “Because I am not Tom Hardy, son. Because I will never be the man that Tom Hardy is. I have failed you.”
The Soft Side
In the romantic comedy This Means War, he plays a super charming federal agent competing for Reese Witherspoon’s affections. They go on a date at the circus or something and he ‘s able to say cheesy things like, “sometimes falling is the best part,” without making me want to dry heave. He’s also starred as Heathcliff in the Masterpiece Classic version of Wuthering Heights. As a Heathcliff (and all things Wuthering Heights) connoisseur, I can confidently state that he’s PERFECT, even with a heinous mop of hair on top of his head. Nothing is more macho macho man than a guy who knows how to relish in a bit of romance every now and then.
I hate to reduce any man down to his accent because that’s something that he can’t really help and it’s unfair to make assumptions on anyone’s virility based on that, but I am an American girl and that is what we do. We hear a raspy British voice and it’s game over. Consider the panties dropped. I won’t make any excuses for myself because they would be futile.
And there you have it. Tom Hardy is everything that you should want to be and more. I’m going to leave you with this picture of him kissing a baby because why not?
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