It’s hard (titter), but put yourself in Tiger Woods’s position (titter) right now.

You’ve cheated on your wife. You’ve lost a few million dollars in sponsorship. You’ve lost the next few years of your kids’ lives. You’re going to spend the rest of your own life surrounded by red-faced men in manmade fibres who’d very much like to talk to you about shafts and balls (again: titter). Perhaps worst of all: despite the fact that you’ve got the world calling you ‘Tiger’, you still have to sign checks as ‘Eldrick Tont Woods‘.

So, which bungee-jawed Hollywood fametart could possibly make things worse by claiming that your wife made your penis go off chasing all those girls?

Oh. Right, yeah that makes perfect sense: Jim Carrey, the man who condenses the personalities of 12 schizophrenics, 15 four-year-olds and one pub-bore into a head which is the exact physical embodiment of the emotion ‘Oh, christ, what’s this tossy little prick going to do now?’.

The original story – you may have heard something about it – was that golf player Tiger Woods had it away with approximately fourteen thousand plastic-bosomed blonde women, possibly because his cock was addicted to the feel of spray-on tan. It’s mutated into a web-encompassing gossip free-for-all, in which the internet has accused Tiger of being a manslut, of deserting his kids, and of wanting to make his loveladies hurt quite a lot.

But one of Tiger’s celebrity friends has come galloping to the rescue of his reputation. Okay, it’s only Jim Carrey, but, hey: at this point, Tiger would take a character reference from Frankie Boyle on meow-meow.

So, what’s the gibbering comedy lightweight done to help? Well, here’s one of his recent tweets on the Twitter:

No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle ;^

We ran this past a 13-year old, who translated as follows: “Tiger Woods copped off with a load of chicks. But it wasn’t all his fault, because his gold-digging wife knew about it, and made him do it, and probably watched and everything. Ugh, gross.”.

Oh, Jim Carrey, with your unerring sense of… well, not humour exactly… bald-faced self-promotion? Yes, that’s it.

Oh, Jim Carrey, with your unerring sense of bald-faced self-promotion: surely you retracted this obnoxious, misogynistic tweet with a full apology and admission that you were a very silly boy. Didn’t you?

My people called and said I might have to tame my tweets a little. So here goes… I’m going to make a sandwich now. Peanut butter. (sigh)