The only reason anyone cares that Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn are dating is because we all know what a giant pervert Tiger is. That’s all. Otherwise, no one would be interested. If he was dating Taylor Swift … then maybe … but short of that, he’s old news.
Tiger is no longer the young wonder-golfer who captivated the world with his exotic good looks and humble carriage. Now, he’s a middle-aged dude with enormous teeth and a receding hairline, who used to be amazing golfer and now is just a pretty good golfer, and … oh yeah! … who cheated on his bombshell wife with lots and lots of women who happily sold their stories to the press in extreme dirty detail for the world’s vicarious pleasure/judgement. That’s who he is now.
Since the new couple … officially dubbed Liger, to the dismay of all Napoleon Dynamite fans … invited us into their business by publicly announcing their happy news, one naturally begins to speculate on their chances of survival. And, frankly, it’s a tough call.
Here are a few reasons why they might make a great couple:
1. They both appear to be endorsement whores. Brand endorsements are awesome, but are they contractually required to wear brand logos at all times? Could they not have put the Nike/Under Armour away for the photo shoot and put on something a little nicer?
2. As a world-class, Olympic gold-medal winning athlete, Lindsey may have the physical conditioning necessary to keep up with Tiger’s rapacious sexual appetite.
On the other hand, there are also a few, quite obvious reasons why they might not be well-suited for each other:
3. Their chosen sports are about as opposite as you can get. Golf is one of, if not the, slowest and most painfully boring sports ever. Alpine skiing on the other hand, is fast-paced, thrilling, and dangerous.
4. Tiger’s career requires temperate weather and gentle terrain. Lindsey’s requires snow-covered mountains. Not too compatible.
5. The tie-breaker, forecasting an eventual break-up, has to be their awkward body language in the photo below. They do not look like a happy couple at all: the half-hearted lean-in, hands politely kept to themselves, no physical contact. In this honeymoon phase of their relationship, they should be much more handsy. They are doomed.
Hopefully, I’m wrong, and Tiger and Lindsey will live happily ever after. If not, I believe Taylor Swift’s between men at the moment.