When you’re a horny billionaire who compulsively shags endless nylon-haired porn stars, divorce can be hard.
Just look at Tiger Woods. He can’t simply divorce Elin Nordegren, agree to see the kids every other weekend and argue over who gets to keep the good cutlery. Instead, Tiger Woods’s divorce is turning out to be a nightmare of accountants and lawyers and non-disclosure settlements and lord knows what else. Worse still, it’s been reported that Tiger Woods will legally have to keep his children away from all of his mistresses.
That doesn’t sound like much, but it is. Tiger Woods has to keep his children away from all of his mistresses. Unless we’re very much mistaken, that’s basically every single woman on the planet. And, according to one of his lovers, possibly some men. And a handful of sexy plants for all we know. Good luck enforcing that, Tiger.
Despite the fact that barely a week seems to pass without seeing some leathery old cow with tits like cannonballs in Netto bags pop up to shriek the number of times that Tiger Woods got her pregnant, Tiger Woods only has two children – three-year-old Sam and one-year-old Charlie. And, although they might not be old enough to understand exactly how many ropey-looking party hostesses their dad has had his pecker in, their lives are going to be messed up beyond comprehension because of his philandering.
Imagine it – growing up knowing that you can get anything you want because your estranged parents will do anything to buy your affection. Tell your mother that your dad took you to the zoo and she’ll buy you a pony. Tell your dad that your mother bought you a pony and he’ll buy you a zoo. It sounds awful.
But what’ll really mess those kids up is the fact that they’ll never get to meet any of the gnarled, dead-eyed bimbos that Tiger Woods has been compulsively ploughing his tatty old helmet into. If reports are to be believed, Elin Nordegren’s had that proviso explicitly written into their divorce. The Miami Herald reports:
Tiger Woods is banned from letting girlfriends near his kids in a divorce deal… As part of the agreement, the golfer has agreed to keep single women away from daughter Sam, 3, and son Charlie, 1. In return, former wife Elin gets the biggest payout ever seen in a celebrity divorce — but she can’t speak out publicly over her former husband’s reported affairs.
What a shame. All of those women – all of those fluorescent orange women with flammable hair who look like they all smell of cigarettes and death – would be brilliant with Tiger Woods’s kids. They could play games like ‘Guess Which Type Of Hepatitis I Contracted Last Night’ or ‘Tell Me What This Tattoo Is Supposed To Be Because I Was Hammered When I Had It Done’ or ‘What’s The Most Enormous Thing I Can Fit Inside My Vagina’ together. If anything, Elin Nordegren is the bad parent here.
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P Chest says
Without expression any position on the pressing and real issue of this article, I feel that the choice of language is awful, distasteful and not indicative of professional journalism.
Dave says
what an unprofessionally written article
Dave says
well said p-chest
michael says
they are both getting what is deserved. Report is Honest not unprofession society hates the truth and misery loves company.
The Scumbag says
…And I love tacos! They’re spec-taco-lar!
CLB says
This divorce settlement amount is well deserved since it may be for a complete package for both, Elin and the children and Tiger is demanding from Elin a lifetime of silence. It is very wise of Elin to demand that Tiger never expose their children to any future female companions ”unless he is married to said person.” I commend Elin for being a caring and loving mother and for having her priorities right. Tiger is the one who caused irreparable damage to the marriage and the dissolution of the family unit with his adulterous, reckless and irresponsible behavior. Tiger, reportedly, had unprotected sex with multiple promiscuous partners, potentially exposing Elin to life threatening conditions such as STD, HIV, hepatitis, herpes, uterine cancer, etc. Some of these conditions can be dormant and could take years to show up. Tiger Woods humiliated his family in front of the world causing them enough hurt, pain and suffering that will scar them for the rest of their lives! Tiger Woods used his wife and children to earn millions projecting a false image of integrity as a devoted husband and family man, while living a sordid life in private. I applaud Elin for her courage, dignity and poise during this horrid ordeal and wish her and her precious children all the best for the future!!!
TigerWoodsWorld.com says
Tiger Woods is getting shaken down. He messed up, yes. But $750 Million in a divorce settlement to Elin is RIDICULOUS!!! Just let the brother get on with his life and play some golf. Tiger should maybe pay out $100 million and to have Elin keep her mouth shut.