The live X Factor finals start tomorrow, which we’re giddy about because it means we get to watch the exact same thing every week until we want to die.
However, there’s just one little thing that could derail the entire show, and that’s that the X Factor judges are being great big babies. According to reports, X Factor judges Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are all fighting because some of them don’t want to sit next to other judges and one of them has a slightly bigger dressing room than the rest.
What’s more, Cheryl Cole doesn’t like Louis Walsh because he’s got BO, and Louis Walsh doesn’t like Dannii Minogue because she keeps her lunch inside an ice cream tub instead of a real lunchbox like he does, and Dannii Minogue heard Carly Robinson from 7F tell her best friend’s cousin that Cheryl Cole had nits and was a lesbian IDST.
We’ll admit that we haven’t really been paying attention to X Factor this year. That’s mainly because, whenever we’ve tried to watch it, someone has been crying. If the contestants aren’t crying because they’re happy or because they’re sad or because their dead rabbit’s last wish was for them to enter X Factor and it’ll never get to see them succeed, then Cheryl Cole’s crying because, like, getting paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to tell a bad singer that they’re bad at singing is the most difficult thing she’s ever had to do.
And if neither of those are happening, then chances are we’re crying because X Factor is shit and it makes us want to kill ourselves.
Tomorrow sees the start of the X Factor live finals – the culmination of months of hard work after which one lucky contender, if they believe in themselves and strive to be the best they can be, might wind up a tenth as famous as Chico.
However, it’s been reported that tensions between the X Factor judges might threaten to tear the entire show apart, and it’s all down to who sits next to who and who and who gets the biggest dressing room. Apparently, the biggest faultlines lay between the following:
Louis Walsh – An X Factor stalwart, Louis Walsh has been on the show since the beginning, apart from the time when he decided to spuriously resign for a week and the other time when Simon Cowell fired him for about 30 minutes. Louis Walsh doesn’t like fellow X Factor judge Dannii Minogue, because he’s loyal to previous X Factor judge Sharon Osbourne – who Dannii didn’t get on with – even though it was Sharon Osbourne who once threw a glass of water over Louis on a live TV show.
Dannii Minogue – Unfamous sister of Kylie Minogue, Dannii Minogue joined X Factor last year and didn’t get on with Sharon Osbourne because Sharon went on TV with clingfilm wrapped around her head and Dannii thought she was mocking her heavily botoxed face. After the rift caused Sharon to leave X Factor, Dannii Minogue decided she also didn’t like her replacement Cheryl Cole, because Cheryl Cole is young and pretty and sexy and Dannii Minogue was supposed to be the young, pretty sexy one on X Factor even though she’s almost 40 and has a face like a brass doorhandle. Dannii also doesn’t get on with Louis Walsh because, oh, who cares.
Cheryl Cole – Nobody likes Cheryl Cole because she cries all the bastard time.
Got all that? Good. Now here’s The Mirror to explain their new scrap:
Dannii Minogue insists she should sit apart from Louis Walsh – and the feeling is mutual. But all-powerful Simon, 49, likes to sit next to this year’s new girl Cheryl Cole, 25. A source explained: “Dannii is fuming she is placed next to Louis. The pair are well known for their disagreements and both are not keen on having to sit next to each until Christmas. Simon wants Cheryl beside him – but she wants to sit beside Louis!”
What’s more, there’s one dressing room in the X Factor studios that’s slightly bigger than the others, and Louis, Dannii and Cheryl all apparently want it. And we’re promised that these arguments are real, and really could put the future of X Factor in jeopardy. You know, just like how they’re real every year and aren’t just a way of getting people to stop watching Strictly Come Dancing.
Still, whatever stops people from remember they’re going to have to spend the next three months of their lives watching endless piss-weak Whitney Houston karaoke, eh?
The Sad Poet says
The talentless rise to positions of power and are adored by millions and billions of mindless fans.
The talentless and the mindless, the mindless and the talentless. It’s all so confusing. Armageddon is coming, but not because of angry gods. No, the end is coming because there are just too damn many stupid people with absolutely no sense of taste.
sophie says
there will be little problems if the judging pannel are seated in this way . louis, cheryl, dannii, simon
sitting simon and louis together is a complete no no
sitting louis and dannii together is a complete no no
sitting cheryl and simon together would cause entertaining rifts but its not about the judges its about the contestants.
btw team minogue to win even though cheryl has the best group, dannii is still the best judge
Pitbull says
Modern “culture” is simply teaming with gross mediocrity that flourishes in the epicenter of the cesspool of public conscious. And famous sister epitomizes this just as these ghastly “talent” show since they all want to be rich and famous just like big sis Kylie M and also like her,without talent or personality on merit .
How can 10 million morons watch this junk week in week out?
magnetite says
I humbly submit my solution to this little problem:
A ferris wheel/London Eye style arrangement which faces the stage. Each ‘pod’ will house one seat, one carafe of throwing water, a small bank of buttons and of course a judge. As each is given their turn to pontificate on the talents, or comical lack thereof, of each contestant it will rotate so that they are at the zenith of the whole contraption…like some frightful god on high.
Their bank of buttons will comprise the traditional X-Factor YES/NO choices; one for an energy weapon capable of reducing a hapless contestant to a pile of ash; and one for an emergency pod ejection – should the dimwit audience all spontaneously combust at once, say.
If I get to have anything to do with the schematics of this ‘Wheel of Judgement’, Walsh and Cowell’s pods will propel them into the twin little-known fire-retardents of broken glass and salt.
Sadly, I will never get to see my creation in action on the show, as I refuse to submit to the necessary lobotomisation procedure.
Thank you for your interest in this Magnetite Industries product. Patent fucking pending.
shooty* says
how the hell did you know what “IDST” meant? I just had to look it up. No one above the age of 13 should know that.
John says
They Watch and listen to you fool. I agree that most of them aint much but some of those will go on to do something and It could be great. I am sure there were many naysayers about you at some point in time so relax