For most sane people Twilight is synonymous with a lot of things, none of them good. But here is a rundown of all the things that give this awful franchise its faecal aftertaste.
Like vomit in an open sewer or Paris Hilton in a Uwe Boll movie, here is proof that you can make a bad thing worse.
Ladies and gentlemen, the top five worst things about Twilight…
1. Edward Cullen
Oh how do I loathe thee. Let me count the ways. Mainly, I love the constant insistence that he’s the most perfect, amazing guy ever oh my god. When actually he’s a soulless, (pun not intended) commercial grab for money. He’s the slow-witted test tube baby of romantic literary characters. Attentive, loving, doesn’t want to look at another girl, has never had sex, is non-threatening except to other guys (and actually to Bella, but his emotional abuse is hidden under a cloak of affection and caring. Like she is a cherished pet). And, oh is he handsome! So enamored with her own creation is Stephanie Meyer that at parts it was actually uncomfortable to read (even more so than usual, at the very least). This god-like emblem of virile, virginal perfection is literally designed to dampen panties. The sad part is I know that Stephanie Meyer didn’t even realise this while writing it, she just wrote about a dude she genuinely would have liked to have sex with.
2. Bella Swan
I’m surprised Stephanie Meyer even gave her a name as just writing ‘YOU’ would have worked just as well. A bland, po-faced Mary Sue type, Bella merely acts as a warm body for the squealing fans to mentally paste their own faces onto. Despite being described as plain, she is immediately accosted by every boy in her school, fought over by a totally buff hottie werewolf and a sexy, smoldering vampire, gets married to said vampire, gives birth to a perfect child and gets turned into a vampire which of course makes her irresistible to every man ever, not just the STUPID HICKS back home. And what did she do to deserve this plethora of blessings? Fuck all. She spends most of the books whining and bitching about how everyone in Forks (where she dwells, broodingly) is an asshole for being nice to her because they are not her precious Edward or a member of his family. She manages to almost succeed in killing herself several times, but is continuously saved by her various suitors and admirers. Not one single scene in the books or the movie gives insight into a reason why this girl is any way interesting, apart from the fact that Eddykins can’t read her mind, as he can everyone else’s. Because she’s Norma Everygirl. A mouth-breathing dullard who stumbled into the perfect existence. And it could happen to you. Like, one day for no reason, a handsome vampire on a noble steed will ride through the BT tower to your cubicle, extend an alabaster hand and say “come away with me” in a deep masculine voice. You are actually secretly special.
3. Breaking Dawn (The Book)
All the books were equally as terrible but this one holds a special place in my heart for some truly horrifying imagery. This is the book when Bella and Edward finally get it on. And apparently his 116-year-old wang was still capable of magic because he manages to get Bella pregnant. Whatever. Can I just point out that this motherfucker chews through Bella’s womb to get the baby out. Yes, her womb. He chews through her womb. And there is detail. Not a great deal, but more then you would ever actually want. Which would be none at all. And that my friends, is what I see when I close my eyes now.
4. The Fans
There are many types of fans of this franchise. The crazed superfan, angry at the suggestion that the series is anything less then doctrine sent from the dizzying heights of Olympus. The lonely depressed soccer mom, eschewing much needed anti-depressants in favour of daydreaming about a fictional man in a terrible book, the dull-eyed teenage halfwit who insists the series is so good ‘its not even like reading!’. The messageboard enthusiasts, discussing ‘funny Twilight‘ shit they’ve done like calling their husbands ‘Edward’ or spewing bilious rage over the fact that someone dared insult a lady who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire. I appreciate that there are some fans who just see it as a silly escapism, but we all know, they are not the majority.
5. The Movie
I’ve said this before but its terrible. The celluloid equivalent of waking up and finding all your hair on your pillow. Of walking in on your father having gratuitous congress with a blow up doll. Of the crushing realisation that people got rich and famous from this scooped out abortion of a movie. Also, both the main actors were off their tits on Xanax and/or Vicodin I don’t care what anyone says. You don’t get that prescription drug glaze to your eyes from Red Bull.
This was a guest blog by Amy Green.
Ironlung says
this is some serious bait for at least 50 insulting comments about your bad writing, jealousy, sexuality, the fact that you dont understand it, and of course you desire to be him.
you love it.
Stabby McGee says
Welcome, new writer. I think I might love you.
amy says
You forgot to add ‘and your parents’.
EmilyNJ says
I love Twilight. I love True Blood even more. I admit to the serious flaws in Twilight, but it doesn’t damper my appreciation for what it really is- just a good story… so what if the plot lines are ridiculous and everyone magically gets their way in the end? It’s nice to read a story (or series) like Twilight, but it’s also important to read quality literature.
My husband would love this article. In fact, he could have written it. Everything you said has come out of his mouth at one time or another!!
twilightforeverandwillkill4 says
ok here’s what i think of ur THING i dont like it i dont like it 1 bit and im telling robert i know him and yes i meant robert pattinson he’s like my big brother we talk ALL the time and if u dont beleive me than ur stupid so fuck off all of u twilight haters no one wants u here no EVER wanted u here and no one EVER WILL so go
HappyHarry says
This was hilarious. I watched the movie and found it very interesting and think of it only as a work of fantasy. It is totally unbelievable, as you’ve mentioned, but that’s what makes it fun in some ways. Sometimes you need an escape from reality into a fantasy world like Twilight. I really enjoyed reading this, by the way. I was laughing pretty hard at most of the things you mentioned and now I am really looking forward to how the books are portrayed in films to follow. Thanks! :)
SweetG says
I loved your article, I must admit, I love the twilight movie and books, my boyfriend constantly makes fun of me. But I see it as a guilty pleasure, the writing is no where near perfect, but it’s a simple read and I can’t put the books down. I am one of very few fans that can sit back a laugh at these sorts of articles instead of getting disturbingly mad. I Love it!
nycgrrl says
ha!
Funny. Yes, Bella has absolutely no personality and I can’t imagine what anyone, let alone a vampire with decades of experience and beautiful women to choose from, would want with boring Bella. Worse yet, the Bella of the book is supposed to have some kind of subtle, unawakened beauty, but Kristen Stewart is just blah all around. I don’t get it.
I did read all four books, though… kind of like the twinkies of young adult literature.
oh.. and by the way…..though none of my kids play soccer, nor would I call myself lonely, I am a mom and yeah, I fantasized reading these books, but more about Jacob. When does Taylor Lautner turn 18?? j/k
ajay says
you are full of shit Grow up
Emma says
If you didnt like the first book why did you read the other three?And why did you see the movie if you don’t like twilight? Of course you’re intiteld to your opinion I’m just wondering..
btw I love the books and liked the move.
K says
woah, i think someone else needs to be on vicodin or xanax– you. you are a very angry person and if you hate this franchise so much, why do you give it the power to make you so angry. which it obviously has because i have never read such an angry rant over a fictional book and movie that really shouldn’t matter to you if you don’t like it. i really think you have issues that need to be worked out, not because you don’t like the books, because that is totally fine and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but because you are apparently disgusted at those people who are completely in love with these books when you are giving the books the same attention, just a negative point of view for it. and a writing class probably wouldn’t kill you either. that’s just my opinion.
rosesbleed says
…wow, take that anger out. I read the twilight book when it very first came out and loved it from the beginning,kinda went downhill from there, and when it became famous and the movie came out, totally a dissapointment. but u write well and its hilarious! and gave me a few new thoughts on the subject. and yes, yes i am actually secretely special!
bree smith says
i dont agree wit this at all….. i have read all the books and yes the movie was no way near as good as books but still was a very good movie.. none of my friends have read the books until they watch the movie so it had to have something that they liked… twilight has millons of fans i think that speack for itself…. and as for u talking shit on how they acted well all i have to say to that is lets see u do it{{LOL}} love love love twilight…. sometimes u just need to leave this world and go to another and i would spend the rest of my life in that world if possible…
katie says
and yet we all were sucked in to this story whether we love it or hate it. though love and hate are opposites, the both equal the strong emotion put into something. which would be the oh so undeniable passion you have for the twilight series. passion as in strong feelings of course. i do not blame you…i am very much so passionate about twilight, yet in the way you passionately loathe.
gia says
so much hate spewing from your nose man! i take it you were not loved by your folks when you were a baby…booohooo…..the mere fact it made loads of money says so much….it’s something like you against the world, isn’t it?
mel says
Hilarious post. But would just please be kind enough to learn the difference between “then” and “than”? Other than that, kudos =P
cai says
seriously, you need to get the fuck over yourself. you cant just go around saying shit all about movies and actors who have suceeded so much more than you ever will in your sad little blog. everyone has the right to have an opinion but this is just plain rude. plain facts: twilight- number one high grossing movie of 2008/9 and the books go along the same lines. im sorry but you should seriously go join the la push clff diving team.
(hehe can i hear a ‘BOOYAHH!’ from my Twidawgs??!)
amy says
i write about pop culture. you do the math.
amy says
way to find a single typo! also thanks!
Horror says
Glorious. Well done sir. Twilight is a stain that should be scoured from existence.
I remember when vampires were badass. They tore up bars full of people and dressed like gothic pimps. Nowadays they’re just cissy boy androgynes. I’m getting old.
Katie says
It’s spelt ‘Stephenie’ by the way – no biggie, but it was written on the front of the book that you have so lovingly descibed :)
dead yeti says
quality – reading indignant twilight fans post crap and getting all defensive always makes a good start too the day – top stuff Amy
Mithaearon says
Amy like Stabby (Hiya Stabby its been a while!) I think I may now be in live with you.
Do you have an internetz flame proof suit?
Great article!
Stabby McGee says
Sup, Mith. I been around, but plenty of important ‘work’ to be done.
BEEFYCHEESE says
First of all, you’re fantastic – this is hilarious ! Points 1-3 are a little harsh but 4 & 5 are spot on. Although I have to say I do love the books. Some bits may be a bit silly, but overall its great. I read these books so fast an then re-read them several times. The best series of books I have read. Edward may be a little perfect, and Bella may be a little average. But this makes you relate to Bella, I guess many people would like the world to work that way – of course in real life that wouldn’t happen, but it’s a fictional story. Completely agree with the comments made about fans, and the movie was pretty bad.
amy says
i can’t take your opinion seriously, but thanks anyway!
Julias says
Oh what a laugh! I don’t care what they say, this article is funny because it’s sooo right. I’ve read all four books, even though they are nauseating literature and the characters borderline retarded. My excuse is that I had just had a baby whom I was breastfeeding and didn’t really have the attention span to read anything meatier. Maybe I should have taken antidepressants, now that I think about it…
Somehow they are entertaining, though, and I guess I wanted to keep on reading just to find out what evil idea StephEnie meyer would come up with next.
Congratulations!
tina says
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Lauren says
Edward Cullen doesn’t chew through her stomach/uterus, the baby does.
That’s how half vampire babies are born. Edward Cullen gives her a C-section.
Delia says
All the Hecklerspray articles are the same. They don’t like anything, just for the sake of not liking anything. Yawn.
Jess says
Then you know he’d probably agree with this article whole-heartedly, right? Of course, that’s speaking as if you ARE NOT full of shit.
And I want her here, so shut the fuck up, little girl. XD
Jess says
Seems to me like your family doesn’t love you much either, they didn’t even get you a decent education as far as spelling and grammar is concerned. XD
meyer's no rowling says
Totally agree with this article. I’ve read the 4 books. There’s really nothing special with Meyer’s writing, but I have to give her kudos for Alice. Loved Alice.
I would like to add. How can Edward get Bella pregnant? WTH. He doesn’t have sperms anymore! He can’t even produce his own tears – let alone sperms.
BTW, the article was great. And so true.
drake says
along with my literary compadre amy, i find it hard to take your comment seriously… firstly due to the fact you describe the book as fictional, when actually the book whole-heartedly exists (hence the bile-inducing hysteria it has caused) what you really meant to say was ‘rant over a book of fiction’… hate to be pernickety but seeing as you were, i’ll expertly excuse myself. secondly naming yourself after horse-tranquilliser hardly puts you in a position to command someone to a writing class… may i suggest, from one human being to another, http://www.addiction-treatment-help-line.com/faqs/FAQ-ketamine.html that this may help you in your futile attempt at pedanticism.
smc says
You spelled Stephenie’s name wrong…
Hugs says
Yes, a C-Section with his teeth, idiot, so he is chewing through something. =/
David says
And how is that any better? The entire idea of a human/vampire hybrid that rapidly ages and engages in telepathy is ridiculous without even taking into account the method of its birth.
Megan says
Just goes to show that the mental condition of the world’s populace has gone to rot. The Eragon series of books has made a load of money as well, despite the fact that it was only popular at first because he was published at 15 (because his mother published it and it was, indeed, heavily ghostwritten) and it’s a big bucket of rubbish as well.
Just because something has made a lot of money absolutely does NOT mean it’s god. Saddam Hussein made a lot of money while he was in power, I suppose he’s on your #1 fan list as well?
If you’re going to make an argument, think of one far more valid, please.
NessieBlack says
FUCK YOU YOU SUN OF A BITCH WE HATE YOU YOU’RE A BIG JERK
PrepareforOblivionYeBrats says
I assume that the majority responding are somewhere in their teens/tweens, judging by the vitriol and sophomoric responses to this post. For all of you little twits who argue that this pile of shit (or rather, piles) equals great literature by virtue of its popularity, remember this: it was once popular to believe the earth was flat. This is A. Rice-lite, lacking even the Lestat series’ sense of historical drama (and research). Seems like Meyer’s is interested only in creaming her Mormon (or is that JEWISH) knickers. I’m sure her cream would be terribly bland as well, like skim milk, the fat removed.
Faye says
Oh.
My.
Giddy.
Aunt.
I think I’m in love with you! This article is fantastic as it sums up everything I have being trying to explain to people since this god awful franchise appeared in my life. The story is bland, as are the characters and I cant help but think a film/story about vampires falling in love with humans and werewolves kicking around has been done before…many, many times.
.xXFrozenRainXx. says
You know people would take you more seriously IF YOU DIDNT SPEAK LIKE A FREAKIN 9 YEAR OLD.
And on a side note, yes, a lot of people actually do very much want her here.Suck it up. =)
Emma Donovan says
Hey! I’m not the biggest Twilight fan myself… In fact I hate it with a passion beyond words. Not since Dan Brown has there been an author who took basically good story ideas and then royally fucked them up. I did however read the books and watch the films to see what all the fuss was about (I’m still wondering) and then went and wrote a short parody of my own (http://flaysome-wench.deviantart.com/art/Twilight-Parody-D-161207053 if you wanna check it out). I agree with all your reasons for hating it, you said them very well!
Melissa says
I only read the twilight book and thought it was sucky couldn’t even read the others (blech) You summed my feelings toward edward and bella perfectly! XD
I hate this book/movie so much!
Is that fan a girl or a boy XD
Maryannna Houston says
if you don’t have anything nice to say than don’t say anything.
MimiOnTheBalconyWithPopTarts says
I don’t know about other people, but I can speak for myself. I hate Twilight, and it makes ME angry because it is an anti-feminist, racist, domestic abuse-romanticising, shallow mess of Mormon propoganda that is being fed to little 12 year old girls. More terrifyingly, in many cases, BY THEIR OWN MOTHERS, who hope that little Sophie will grow up and get herself a boyfriend just like Edward. Y’know, a controlling, condescending stalker who will sneak into her bedroom at night to watch her sleep, laugh at her female inferiority, and disable her car so she can’t see her friends . You can’t just say ‘if you don’t like it then don’t read/watch it’. That’s exactly the kind of passive attitude that allowed Hitler to grow in power.
Arianwen says
This comment is perfect. Not sure if trolling or just stupid… but either way, it won the 2009 Internet Comedy Award. Poe’s Law: Any sufficiently advanced parody…