At the 2011 Cannes Film Festival, Drive was loved so much that, when the movie finally finished, everyone leapt to their feet to give it a standing ovation. A film. A standing ovation.
One can only assume that this ovation must have been like the tears cried by a hostage when they receive a rare moment of kindness. That’s because Drive is one of the most overrated films on Earth right now.
Only a complete, dithering simpleton would dare disagree.
If you haven’t seen Drive, what’s it about? Well, the short answer is ‘nothing‘. The long answer is ‘absolutely nothing. For ages.‘
The film is so insultingly pedestrian that it makes the woeful Eyes Wide Shut look like a high-octane caper.
Remember that Athena poster which showed a shirtless muscle man holding a baby? Imagine staring at that for nine hours while someone projects a particularly nice screensaver of night-time Los Angeles over the top of it while playing nauseating cod-80s music at you.
Imagine that, and just that. Long, sighing metres of film, containing the same shots… over… and over… and over… and over…
THEN SOME ULTRA-VIOLENCE.
Then nothing. Nothing at all. Coupled with a script that must’ve been two sides of A4, delivered by Ryan Gosling, a man who looks like Guy Smiley from Sesame Street. Only less alive.
It’s as if someone sat down and watched Vanishing Point and Bullit and thought “I know! I’m going to merge those films with the quiet, lingering boredom you get when you’re stood in an Apple Genius Bar while Air’s ‘Moon Safari’ is playing… quietly!” Throw in a whole load of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (played by someone who doesn’t want to do any of the challenges, rather, simply drive around for hours toggling the camera angles) and you’re there.
THEN SOME ULTRA-VIOLENCE.
And nothing, nothing, nothing. So much nothing that, frequently, it feels like you’re watching the rushes of something that, with a huge amount of editing, could be an excellent 20 minute film.
It’s a real case of style-over-substance which will thrill the kind of people who say they really ‘get’ films, when really, they just enjoy hollow releases that think that substituting emotion for some vaguely nice cinematography is a good thing. Why bother with a story when you can sit there being preened at by a handsome object of vacancy?
It’s just one big polished Zen turd.
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Brickolas says
Agreed 93%. Finally someone who agrees with me. (93%.)