If you look out your window, you\’ll see that the world is currently in a dire state.
Once-proud businessmen are reduced to skeletal husks of men, scuttling around rubbish bins with only their own shoes for sustenance. Families are selling their beloved household pets for thirty pence so they can afford to buy a newspaper to live under for a month.
Flaming corpses of villainous bankers pave deserted mud tracks which were once bustling high streets.
Most people are in agreement that this is probably the worst time ever to be alive. In fact, the majority of the population is only bothering to struggle on in the slim hope that the development of time travel will, one day, allow us to return to a time when everyone in the world chose to buy nothing at all from Woolworths rather than having that decision forced upon us. But, for one infamously cheery man, this grim reality is simply unbearable.
Noel Gallagher has taken time out of fingering through his dog-eared Beatles songbook to criticise the news for being a bit gloomy of late. This, remember, is the man whose back-catalogue could instantly evaporate all the happiness from Santa?s workshop. Gallagher whined:
“It’s really bad, man. In one sitting watching Sky News the doom and gloom is outrageous. Recession, recession, stabbings, corruption, murder, desolation, despair.?
We can only imagine what Noel Gallagher?s ideal half-an-hour of current affairs would be. Perhaps the news should forthwith avoid any nationally important event if it makes Noel Gallagher a bit upset and, instead, take the form of an expansive, sprawling list of every single uplifting event to take place in the country that day? This should be considered if only to avoid a stunted attempt at social commentary on Oasis? next album, currently rumoured to have the working title of News Is Sad.
We've often wondered who the ?and in other news?? stories at the end of each bulletin were aimed at. Now, we?ll be able to envisage Noel Gallagher?s childlike delight as he beams on, his eyes as big as saucers, at a tiny kitten being rescued from a lemon tree. In fact, it's rumoured that Oasis? only demand for the backstage area of their concerts is that the YouTube video of Christian the Lion is played in a constant loop on 50-foot screens as the band look on, arms linked, holding a brave silence.
Instead of feeling down about the media coverage of the recession, perhaps Noel Gallagher should ask himself what he can do to help it? For example, Noel Gallagher, why not relocate a struggling family of five in your vast, Amazonian eyebrows? Why not test your song writing prowess and see if you can come up with a clever rhyme for ?bankers? in a benefit single? But, most importantly, please stop pilfering from aging musicians before Ringo Starr is discovered destitute, dressed in an old potato sack, eating cat food from his cold, bare hands.
This was a guest blog by Jamie Ross, the man who has been in so many newspapers recently that he may as well be a titty model. He writes Cancerous Capers. You’ll like it.