Sometimes news comes through that is so shocking, so horrific, so unbelievably heart-rending and tragic, that you can barely fit it into your mind.
You try until you think your skull will pop, but it’s so monumental that it spills out of the sides, flushing away all rational thought, until all you can do is sink to your knees, beat the ground into a furious maelstrom of dust and misery, raise your tear-streaked face to the skies and scream, “Why? Why did this happen? No! Not to him! Not to Dec!”
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Declan Donnelly missed the goal in England’s match against Slovakia.
This seismic event in human history occurred yesterday at 3:22pm in the humble surrounds of a pub in Kew. In between huge, racking sobs, Mr Donnelly managed to share his grief with the BBC News website:
“One minute before the goal, the power went. We got a text from a mate in Swindon, who told us about the goal.”
It is not possible to comprehend the scale of this loss; receiving news of Jermain Defoe‘s valiant strike through the hearts of the Slovaks via the medium of bog-standard text? And then only being able to see said strike 15 or 20 times during the remainder of the coverage, and 400 more times during replays over the rest of the day? It simply defies belief.
A sinister, malevolent force identifying itself only as the international energy corporation EDF have claimed responsibilty for this mysterious loss of power in the West London area. One can only hope that once these monsters – and here at hecklerspray we do not use that word lightly – these monsters have been found, they will be brought to justice in the most graphic and depraved way possible. There is no punishment brutal enough for a slight to the Co-King of Light Entertainment.
There are rumours the duel-headed Prime Minister Beast CamClegg will be announcing a national day of mourning to coincide with the premiere of next year’s Britain’s Got Talent, so we may all spend the day in silent contemplation. Fabio Capello, meanwhile, has pledged that his England team will henceforth never again bother the opposition’s net with their balls, so this calamity cannot ever befall one half of a beloved TV institution again.
But the Prince of All Our Hearts did not stay down for long. Showing some of the indefatigable spirit that has ensured the nation has been Ready To Rhumble for nigh-on 16 years now, he saved his best words for last:
“It felt like another part of following England in this World Cup,” said the star, philosophically. “It’s just another part of supporting the team against all the odds. I suppose it’s par for the course, really.”
Such powerful wisdom. Yet another reminder that despite everything we have all been through today, despite this appalling disaster, we are continually lucky to have Dec in our lives. God bless you, Declan Donnelly.
We’re not that bothered about Ant.
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Jim Blackler says
Declan’s tragedy must surely not be vain; we must all carry the memory of this lost goal in our hearts and actions. Just as the stalks of a new flower can arise in the battlefield, so this loss can somehow inspire a more noble future in its wake. Dec, your pain will never be forgotten. I will hug my family a little harder tonight.