Charlie Sheen was once the talk of the town. He enchanted us all with his spectacular nervous breakdown, his drug taking, his fondness for pornography, his punching of chandeliers and his inventing of various phrases. However, he went off quicker than an opened yoghurt.
Still, we left Sheeno with his custody case with Brooke Mueller and his many girlfriends (or ‘Goddesses’ as he preferred), so while we mocked his slope away from the limelight, he still seemed to have an enviable, if brain-rotting life.
Or not, as it transpires. See, these days, since no-one really gives two shits about Charlie Sheen (he’s clean of drugs now, thereby, he’s as boring as Robert Pattinson), those that enjoyed sharing his limelight have decided to walk away from him. He’s no longer eccentric and famous, rather, he’s just a weirdo now. And long gone are his goddesses as Charlie now find himself horrible single and invariably rummaging around trying to find his dealer’s phone number again.
The lamest warlock who ever lived has just watched his last remaining goddess wave ta-ta to him, leaving him with a life of weeping into microwaveable chilli con carne meals.
Natalie Kenly moved out last week, which saw Sheen being typically dickish about it, saying
“it’s not a common thing for the Masheen!”
He then? went about ‘declaring war on the entire world’ with his penis, ‘conquering’ three women from three different countries (if you’re wondering which, the invaded countries were Mexico, Australia, and Colombia). He didn’t exactly wait for Kenly to get out of the house in time either, which is incredibly kind of him.
Still, at least he has the hope that, perhaps one day, all the trouble that surrounded his exit from Two And A Half Men may be forgotten, allowing him to return to the show, humbled and ready for work.
Or not.
Sadly for Sheen, his character is going to meet a very violent end. It seems that the writers of the show are looking at Chef’s sticky end in South Park for inspiration. They don’t just want to kill the character off, but rather, humiliate Charlie Sheen in the process.
We like the idea of Sheen’s character dying of venereal diseases from having sex with too many women. It isn’t out of the question either because rumour has it that the writers are looking at taking something from Sheen’s life and sticking it into the show. A while ago, Sheen’s car was found in a ravine, with him umming that it was nothing to do with him. His character could well die in a car crash from a cliff, according to sources.
Next week: We feel kinda bad for mocking Sheen as he overdoses on prescription medicine.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
dog wover says
He’s still alive?
Cookie Monster says
Yes and no. See, the Smithsonian has taken steps to preserve Chuck as a monument to the peak of American culture. The protocol has involved massive doses of alcohol and cocaine in an effort to preserve him in situ. The ideal of having much of the preservation process completed before his death has backfired a little bit. It’s a minor setback, and shall soon be corrected.
Many of the lessons learned during the Michael Jackson project will, indeed, prove quite handy. In fact, so much progress has been made that the rare loin of young boy can now be substituted with the common haunch of ripe pornstar.
Ahhh… that smell… that is the smell of science.