The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they've already ?made it?, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.
Being the snide swine we are, it was suggested that we fight the powers that be and show the world of celebrity what's what and who's nobody, so here it is in all its underwhelming un-festive glory.
So, in a very well thought out (hastily typed out at midnight last night) attempt to tackle the elitism issues that NME have raised, we got our youngest, hippest (Hahahaha! – Ed) hecklerspray writers – Lauren Mullineaux and Sophie Hall – to create what we consider to be the healthier way to present a list of terrible human beings. We present to you: Hecklerspray Presents: The Anti-Cool List. Presented. To you. List.
Coldplay:
Chris Martin and the boring company he keeps isn't just limited to his choice of wife, but his band too. His life is pretty much a homage to Bono which is the worst way to live out your days as far as we're concerned. They played Glastonbury and it was far too, far too ecstatic. They also released an album called?Mylo Xyloto because they're so bloody fresh. we're British guys so please just take your emotion and your wives heads and go to America where they are a-okay with public displays.
Ricky Gervais:
His grubby stumps are grasping onto the Hollywood sign with everything he's bloody got these days because he ran out of jokes about five years ago. Remember that one where he was mean to the celebrity? Remember when he wore tiny shorts? Remember when he was fat? We liked him then, thin people are so dull.
Sam Faiers:
We have never seen The Only Way Is Essex, but we understand exactly why this young woman was attacked in the streets by the naysayers. Frankly we're sickened she had the gall to then moan about this ?vicious attack? like she deserves better than Jesus. Click here to see what she looked like post stoning.
Levi Roots:
Haha. What an absolute idiot this man is, he's not even un-cool he's just absolutely, unnervingly, refreshingly stupid. Yes, we were all disheartened to learn that Levi Roots stole, HE STOLE, his Reggae Reggae sauce recipe from his business partner. We thought we could trust the Dragon?s to be sharp suited beacon of honesty in these turbulent times, but this throws everything into disarray.*
Michael Jackson:
He's not really un-cool is he? we're just yanking your chain. You know what is un-cool though? Dying. Yeah Michael, screw you, screw you and your wonderfully child-friendly nature, we?ll get our kicks elsewhere from now on.
Daybreak:
If it's already broken don't make it more broken, is an old proverb that the big-wigs at ITV have never heard. GMTV was a godsend in comparison to this amalgamation of ugly people with sunny dispositions. If you want to hate yourself at 6 AM then join the army. It's comforting to know that a lot of people have been sacked for this.
Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries/Marriage:
Possibly the best and most irritating story of the year from America's fairy tale family of dimwits. We learnt about how to make a quick buck from true love, it was true love right? How could it not be between a preppy princess and the dumbest man who ever lived? Kris is religious and instead of playing basketball he just bounces it off the wall and into his head.
The Olympics:
Lord Coe or whatever he's called these days lobbied for literally hours to win us the right to host the Olympics and so that means we have to spend all of our non-existent money building something to look better than a smog covered birds nest.? We have a logo, a nightmarishly, child scaring logo that was designed by the steel loving ghouls of Monsters Inc.
Mark Ronson/Katy B:
We recently learned that the only thing worse than 2012 being ruined by The Olympics is a theme song for the Olympics; you\’ll never guess what shining beacons of British pop culture are going to be creating that future Samaritans favourite.
Ashton Kutcher:
It's 2011 which means that nobody remembers the pretty-but-stupid one from That 70?s Show, Ashton didn't like this, Ashton got sad, Ashton had an affair, grew hair all over his face, and replaced Charlie Sheen on the worst sitcom to ever disgrace Comedy Central?no mean feat.
What a piece of work this young felon is. Not only did he beat the woman of our dreams and global pop sensation Rihanna but he then bought a house near her after his restraining order was dropped by the too kind for her own good sweetheart. We like the one where he storms out of an interview for being asked about his boxing habits unexpectedly. Also he hates handicapped people now.? Not cool Chris, not cool. We hope your glass bedroom gets smashed up in one of your rages.
Justin Bieber:
Truth be told, this kid is probably living the coolest life of any 17 year old ever to have existed, but that doesn't make him cool now does it? And since we're cynical and depraved of love, we consider him the antithesis of cool. This year Bieber cut his hair and then cut it again… then a woman said he’d impregnated her (or statutory raped her one). And then he went and made a flirtatious video with 41 year old Mariah Carey that's full of children and pervy Santa Clause.? He's so young and happy and infecting the world with his joyful lack of charisma.
Benton:
It's a man chasing a dog chasing some deer and the whole stupid internet starts puking happiness. By the way he's called Fenton.
Johnnie Marbles:
This is the guy who you immediately added on twitter after he attempted to pie Rupert Murdoch in the face. You probably regret this decision, but haven't yet unfollowed him. He thinks he's so cool that he could never be cool. What is cool is Wendy Murdoch lunging forward and punching him in the head.
Charity:
The third world has been in third place for so long now, please will the judges award them silver next year so we can all move on. We can't take all the obnoxious drama students following us in the streets for ?3 a month, we can't take seeing sad animals or Terry Wogan on television, we can't take the guilt every time we drink clean water or don't get AIDS from having sex. There's nothing wrong with third place, but runner up is much better.
Technology:
Blackberry had a pretty appalling year with the catastrophic and consistent failure of everything it touched, but at least their founder and principal cool dude didn't pass away before his time.? We use Android so we're laughing all the way home with our internet access and ability to ring people… but others weren't so lucky. 2011 was the year communication on-the-go came to standstill as both iPhone and Blackberry broke down at the same time.? Paperweights coincidentally made a massive comeback.
Sarah Palin:
If we hear anyone say the words ?soccer mom? next year we might have to deflate all the ?soccer? balls silently in the night with neutron bombs. It's been a terrible year for the hottest lady in politics as the true extent of her red neck status was revealed. A millions thousand affairs, a shit of a brick for a daughter, and a stalker of an un-official biographer… all alleged of course. Politics just isn't for everyone is it? Get back to your bear traps.
Downton Abbey:
Somehow, the opposite of a gripping drama has glued you great people to your couches to watch ITV every week. Yes, ITV of all things! It's as if the entire nation just gave up, sighed, and resigned themselves to the fact that ITV was going to keep making original content if we didn't settle for something. Why the heck you all settled for a period show with Dead?ahem?Dame Maggie Smith over a crime drama starring Trevor Eve we?ll never understand. BORING.
Rioting:
If 2011 had a theme it would be unrest… and what signifies unrest if not rioting? Usually we watch Egypt, France, and lots of passionate European countries riot, but this year we took to the streets to show we can do it too.? We didn't do it very well and we didn't do it for any particularly good reasons. We had lots of protests, but the riots in the heat of the summer nights were crassly consumerist. It's not that the police couldn't cope with the destruction they just didn't think we were worth it. If you're going to pinch some jeans, the very least you could do is accept the challenge of stealing them from a staffed shop in daylight; pussy.
Bankers:
In the 80?s bankers were cool; that's what Wall Street taught us anyway, they had a perfectly acceptable level of the devil inside them.
McDonald?s New Advert:
Every single time this comes on, which is a lot, we think it's for a dating site because it should be and every single time we realise it's not we hate ourselves a little bit more. The golden arches are supposed to advertise themselves using slogans about how much you're going to love their manufactured mess, not this misleading twee crap. We've taken to muting the TV when it comes on before cutting out our eyeballs with cow horns. Just in case like.
Florence and The Machine:
The only good thing that can be said about them is: at least they're not Laura Marling.? That shouldn?t be the only redeeming quality in anything.
Azaelia Banks:
Lauren – She was number one on the NME list so we had to include her for posterity, but if it's any consolation then we don't think her song?s very good either. She makes us feel old.
Sophie – Nobody has ever mattered less.
Christmas Number 1?s:
Remember when Christmas number 1?s were Christmas songs, created for the occasion? Yeah, us neither. And so on and on rages the tiresome battle between the winner of The X Factor and a popular ?alternative song?. Give us a bloody break will you? Nobody actually cares. It's a ploy brought to your easily influenced brains by the record companies so that they can make more money. Save yourself a quid and illegally download them both instead that way everyone's a winner in your heart and that's the true meaning of Christmas.
Kelly Rowland
From the years 1981 to 2010, Kelly Rowland was pretty much an inconsequential fragment of life. Then?this year, ITV1 thought ?Err?yeah, alright? and BANG! A career-woman was born, as Kelly got the gig as judge in the ?new generation? line-up of X Factor, providing quite a lot of cocaine and laughs along the way.
Sinitta
In essence: Just not a very good idea.
Michael Jackson
Don’t know if we have the energy.
Frankie Cocozza
On his own, he was a particular nuisance. Combined with Gary Barlow, he was our indie Himmler, getting booted off the X Factor for doing some sort of self assuring drug taking to the utter disgust of Beacon of Humble Gary Barlow? (See below.) This would be the same Gary Barlow whom, after putting him through at the judges houses stage of the competition, turned to Robbie Williams and said, ?If there's one thing I'm not going to let this guy do ? is behave.? Well, well, well.
John Lewis Advert
Where did a little 10 year old boy find the time and the money to go to some sort of shopping centre (UNSUPERVISED) and buy his mum and dad this ?present?? The one where the woman died at the end was far funnier.
Peter Andre
Dear Peter, it's all very well and good doing all those things that you do. We have no beef with that. But when you open up a Literacy Project with Boris Johnsson and hope nobody will notice, we may need to tell you to ‘sling it’ a tiny little bit.
Lady Gaga
She has only come out of one form of female reproduction this year. Must try harder in 2012.
Nick Clegg
Well, it was all going so well for Nick. What with the whole not shafting the country thing and the yellow section at Tie Rack. But then he went and did the whole shafting the country thing, and unfortunately it didn't work out incredibly well.
Alex Reid/Chantelle?s unborn child
If you take into account Darwin?s theory of natural selection and?THIS video, it really doesn't bode well for this kid at all. “We share a lot of common experiences. Like Big Brother. And marriage.?
Brian May
We do worry about Brian May. He's been very ?up? for things lately. Last week for example, he even went on stage to perform with The Darkness. He even has a blog now for god’s sake. Initial symptoms of a major depressive episode, or just very very enthusiastic about being Brian May? The answer is of course, C) He’s a Bohemian Rhapsody twiddling sell-out.
Scarlett Johanson?s boobs
And we thought her Other Anne Boleyn Girl acting was a bit wobbly! WAHEY! (Dear Scarlett Johnansson, thank you so so much for taking photos of your nude form.)
Gary Barlow
?So Gary, what do you think about your latest inclusion as an X Factor judge and altogether more successful songwriter than Paul McCartney off of The Beatles?? ?I think the children should eat more healthily.? Ah okay then. Do one, Gary.
The Collective
Such a disrespectful thing to do for the children. Especially released the same week as Children in Need. Oh wait, it WAS for Children in Need. Well, that's just awful.
Beyonce?s Fake Pregnancy Bump
Hearty congratulations and all that, Beyonce. But all this ?Mmm delicious? pregnancy acting don't wash with us. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT WITH A BABY! How could you possibly be? You are Beyonce, that of many a loin. Definitely not cool.
Men
With the launch of Bridesmaids this Summer, it was suddenly realised that men were awful and women were? Jesus, a bit funny to say the LEAST! You?d think all those years inhaling smoke fumes in the kitchen would have detatched us from a sense of humour! But NO! We did it girls! Women: Quite literally, the new men.
Sky News
16/33 miners saved? GREAT! Perhaps next time such an event occurs, you could also provide us with a pie chart of their diminishing blood sugar levels!
The Smurfs
Right. You know smurfs? You know movies? You know conglomerations of smurfs and movies? Nah. Us neither, because obviously none of us watched Smurfs: The Movie, starring Katy Perry and Alan Cumming and other people who grossly misjudged themselves. But it's not bad. After scoring a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, the film eventually picked up to an admirable 23%, and also secured a sequel (SMURFS 2!) in 2013. Lovely.
Google +
We were all so excited, weren't we? So excited that we could pick up your name and put it in a circle next to someone else who we previously put in the same circle. The exclusive ?secret invite? process made us all feel like we were part of a secret haven, better than other people, better than suckers registering Linkedin Accounts. Eventually though, it turned out that Google Plus was awful and pointless. You probably all read our comedic appraisals in our status updates about it at the time. On Twitter.
Emma Watson
There's a hell-a lot of things we don't like about Emma Watson. Sure, she has a People Tree fashion range endorsing us to help the community. Sure, she starred in a One Night Only video as a dog. Sure, she cut her hair short and vetoed her entire 20s and 30s. Sure she attended a university and then cried because she was JUST TOO FAMOUS and went home. We can live with all that.? In 2011, Emma Watson became the patron to the Wild Trout Trust. Well now she’s just taking the piss.
Lars Von Trier
One of your more sophisticated mentals now, as we look back on the escapades of Lars Von Triers. After securing success with his quaint little sci fi apocalyptic drama Melancholia, Lars made what The Sun may call a ‘gaffe’, (but we’d probably go with something more along the lines of ‘Quite awful thing to say actually’) about the nazis. Here’s?the video to remind you all, but in essence, the whole thing gets articulated much better with a gif wall of Kirsten Dunsts reactions to him.
Justin Timberlake
AND he bought bloody Myspace.
Diva Fever
A very last minute shoe-horned appearance from X Factor favourites (Well, not FAVOURITES, per se, but you know. People who went on X Factor at some point, regardless) have basically done this. And we're displeased.
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*Levi Roots has disappointingly won the legal battle because nothing about ?his? recipe was ever secret apparently and this was much more interesting when he was a thief.
Murray says
Is “wonderfully child-friendly” just a more polite way of saying paedophile?
Chris says
It became pretty pass
Dog McBob says
Was this supposed to be funny? I’ve had STDs funnier.
Donna says
I likike coldpay
Mof Gimmers says
In fairness Dog McBob, the thought of you getting laid to actually catch STDs *is* reasonably funny, so there’s no argument here.
Soph says
You tell us ‘MR MURRAY’.
Cookie Monster says
Each member of each one of the band has been well lik’ed, I would assume. If they all called you “Donna”, it was probably all the easier.
Did you get to lik Gwyneth too?