Remember the name Susan Boyle – in ten years she’ll probably be the answer to a pub quiz question or something.
Or a major Broadway star. No, we were right first time – Susan Boyle will be the answer in a pub quiz. And the question will be ‘what was the name of the funny-looking woman from Britain’s Got Talent who made everyone jizz in their pants because she sang a terrible song in a mediocre way?’
That’s right, everyone. Thanks to Britain’s Got Talent, Susan Boyle has won Demi Moore over and might appear on Oprah. Literally on Oprah. The pervert.
In all of history – unless there’s ever been a show entitled Chris De Burgh Sings His Multiple Hits or Look At Adrian Chiles’ Handsome Face – there has never been a show as spectacularly misnamed as Britain’s Got Talent. Because, well, it hasn’t. We know this because we live here. Britain’s Got Drizzle? Yes. Britain’s Got A Misplaced Post-Colonial Sense Of Entitlement? Yes. Britain’s Got Herpes? In some cases, yes.
But talent? No, not really. If anything, the only point that Britain’s Got Talent makes with any amount of salience is that the British love nothing more than someone who looks like they might be a bit disabled even though they’re not. So far, the two winners of Britain’s Got Talent have been Paul Potts – a man who can sing quite well even though he’s fat, a bit blind-looking and has teeth that look like the remnants of a shotgun rampage in a ceramics factory; and George Sampson – an infant breakdancer who once went blind but then got better.
And the winner of the third Britain’s Got Talent season looks set to be Susan Boyle. Because, as things stand now, Susan Boyle is a sensation. By now you know the Susan Boyle story off by heart because it’s been rammed down your gullet every second of every day for a week, but for the newcomers it’s this – Susan Boyle is a middle-aged virgin who looks and dresses like she lives in one of the less affluent areas of Narnia, but she can sing quite well. The end.
Do you see? Susan Boyle is ugly but she can sing. It’s a miracle. Almost identical to the Paul Potts thing, granted, but let’s pretend that this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, because that’s what everyone else seems to be doing. Especially since Susan Boyle is now a bona fide star in America thanks to her unique eyebrow/voice combination. The LA Times reports:
Boyle’s is already the most-watched clip this month on YouTube, more than doubling the total views of its runner-up. Demi Moore has written tweets praising the singer on Twitter, and Oprah Winfrey has reportedly extended an invitation for Boyle to appear on her program.
It just goes to show – if you want to be a famous singer, you’d probably do well to attack yourself in the face with a hair-coated shovel first or else nobody will pity you enough to praise you a little bit more than you actually deserve.
So what’s next for Susan Boyle? Looking at it logically, one of three things will happen – a) people will quickly forget about Susan Boyle, leaving her as nothing more than a Chocolate Rain-style internet punchline, b) Susan Boyle will miss the point, sex herself up and instantly lose her entire fanbase or c) Susan Boyle will win Britain’s Got Talent, opening the door for next year’s winner to be a toddler with excema who can spin plates or something.
Whichever one it is, we just hope it happens soon. It’s given us a headache.
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Tom J says
Great. Susan Boyle is really going to do a lot for the global British stereotype that casts us as ugly, buck-toothed, bumbling fools. The Americans give you Britney Spears, we give you Susan Boyle. Just great. Sure she can sing but what the hell difference does that make? Can Britney Spears sing?
Cristal says
I thought at first she was nerdy, not abnormal!!!! How rude can all you people be??? She has the voice of an angel!! and if she continues to sing like that and records an album you can bet your sweet patootie…I WILL OWN THE CD AND BLARE IT ROLLING DOWN 66 IN VIRGINIA!!!
She’s a normal person and personally I don’t think she’s hideous, I’m tired of hearing how she reminds people of the bell tower hunchback! Susan, don’t let anyone bring your spirits down! You have courage, same as Mr. Potts did, America loves you both!
It’s our cynical outlook that makes this world such a miserable place for anyone who isn’t drop dead beautiful! Then again, the most beautiful women in the world have absolutely NO COMMON SENSE and are frankly brain dead. But hey, I’m not here to hate on anyone, you have to use the tools given to you by God to walk through life, and someone, somewhere has to give you a chance to belt out or show off what you have. Britian DOES have talent and the support of this All American Girl!!!
Kate says
Cristal,
I agree with your comments but don’t take this little satirical piece on hecklerspray too seriously. After all from what’ve I’ve seen so far, the purpose of the website it to try and turn any story into a ridicule and a chance to laugh at somebody else’s expense. And that’s a fair game nowadays…I have been laughing myself many a time at witty pieces…
It’s demand and supply, as long as there are readers hitting such stories and leaving out “boring” positive postings, the Perez Hiltons and Stuart Heritages of the web universe will continue to thrive..
K
magnetite says
She’s a one-horned Viking helmet away from a shot at Der Ring des Nibelungen…or she she not really that good?
Is she Callas good? Te Kanawa good? Or just Elaine Paige good? ‘Cause I can do without Elaine Paige good.
Charlie says
Susan Boyle would probably be happy to have just a modest singing career and making a living. The way it’s going though she could start a cult. The youtube clip is compelling and addictive. Watching it is like a hit of a drug. She hits a note in the middle of the song somewhere with such intensity which is so unexpected it gave me a rush of endorphins. The rat brain takes over and pushes the replay button over and over again. I do however find it appalling how patronising people are about her appearance. The way people carry on it’s like she’s deformed like the elephant man. She probably didn’t think that she was that bad to begin with and is probably bewildered by it all. One burst of success could set her up for life anyway and I hope she doesn’t get burnt in the process. I can’t wait to see her plucked and waxed and wearing false eye lashes after Oprah get her mitts on her.
Rachel says
Some people make me sick. They would not know talent if it slapped them in the face. This lady has a wonderful voice. I bet her music won’t need as much done to it as most of the so called pop stars do today. Britney Spears is pretty, but lets be honest here. She can’t sing. There are so many actors that wake up and decide they want to sing. All I can say is thank goodness for the technology we have today because if we didn’t have it I would never turn my radio on. I’ll tell you what to do. Close your eyes and listen to the radio. I bet you would pick Susan over most. Susan please don’t listen to these creeps. Some people can’t help that they were slapped in the face with a bag of ignorance!!! Keep singing loud and proud!!!
Pav says
Stu? You’re a dick. Just saying.
eve says
Ms. Boyle is awesomely blessed with a touching voice. When she sang
that song the other night, she touched peoples hearts. Her diction, her modulation and her performance was PERFECTO! She is quite a
lady and an intelligent one at that. We have not seen that kind
of rare talent in a very long time.
Good luck Ms. Boyle to all that you do. Wonderful talent!
Samantha says
Samantha Ronson will be licking her up!
david says
Hm, so now i think british people are complete jerks after reading this. This woman is beautiful, period. Whoever wrote this article is UGLY, PERIOD. Did a 10 year old write this?
Saxon says
That was very funny!
david says
uh, Im American, Britney Spears sucks and always has and she is a very ugly person with very little talent. Susan Boyle is a beautiful person with a gift from the gods, thats what this is about,most people are overwhelmed by her beauty to the point of tears. A few ugly nasty jealous people are not. If you have half a brain you know that we put someone else down out of insecurities about ourselves.
david says
and you know what, in my opinion the british stereotype is that of a classy,well-mannered ,well-groomed person, it seems a particular ugly bucktoothed bumbling individual has some serious issues here.
david says
and one last thing, every post in America was so positive and supportive and here there are some nasty comments. Britain is very different, its interesting.
John Jamison says
Stuart is obviously a douche bag. Some people just don’t have any class.
Hope that prozac is working for you Stu.
Adam says
Regardless of her appearance or her story, Susan Boyle really does have an impressive vocal talent. I would be surprised if she didn’t get further than what Stuart has predicted. If I had to make a guess.. Stuart is even less qualified to judge vocal talent than he is having the word ‘author’ anywhere near his name. Stuart Heritage writes like a guest ‘author’ for some teen managed ezine.
If you’re going to maliciously and publicly judge someone.. at least have something to base your judgement on other than your own poor opinion… otherwise you’re just being a dick eh?
Melodie says
Stuart Heritage, this is the cruelest you have been in a long time. I missed you, baby.
Julian Mentat says
She’s an OK singer but let’s face it, to have a singing career these days you need to tweet.
Wull says
Shallow arsehole! ugly is what ugly does like the shallow arsehole you are, who will ever remember you stuart?
irritated says
Dude you’re a jerk. This woman is EXTREMELY talented. It just goes to show that society does not give people a chance unless they have money and can dress a certain way and fit society’s image…Susan is amazing and I wish her all the success she has missed out on for so many years.
naibun.inja says
Sorry Stuart you got issues.
Your article says more about you and your snarky writing than her. Hope you make the pub quiz in a couple of years.
I think we know who the real one-note jockey is.
Pat says
This article only proves that some will say anything ridiculous if they have an audience. I really have no idea who this Stuart Heritage is nor do I care. I stumbled upon this article when searching more information about Susan Boyle, read this garbage, looked at this Stuart’s picture and thought “he certainly has a face only a mother could love and has no room to talk”.
Susan Boyle without a doubt has genuine talent. Anyone can write an article ridiculing others.. that doesn’t take much talent. I’m sure, however, he has his following of those who seem to thrive on making others feel bad (more than likely to make themselves feel better.)
“The empty barrel sounds the loudest” … figure it out.
Beneto says
We Americans are rather silly sometimes and we often find the most puzzling things completely irresistible and magical at the drop of a hat (witness the election of Barack Obama for example). Strange, yes. But the beauty of it is this, when we get this way good things can happen. We can make you rich. Susan doesn’t need be around in 10 years. She just needs to make a cd in the next 6 months or so, pop up on Oprah and The View and Ellen and sing some schmaltzy love song and we will make her rich. Assuming that Scottish sensibility they’re supposed to be so famous for (shrewd about money and nobody’s fool) doesn’t let her down and she ends up signing some rapacious contract that cheats her out of her earnings. But then she could just write a book about the whole thing.
wage slave X says
So you wrote something just too sound controversial, out of the box and shocking! The only shocking thing really is that you actually though it would be clever to write this.
The world must apologize to you now for they have bombarded you with all this Susan Boyle hype. I mean, don
Paul says
Great ! amazing voice. Sign the petition for her :
http://www.petition.fm/petitions/susanboyle/
Julian Mentat says
If Scots are shrewd about money, how do you explain the Bay City Rollers?
fro says
This was an ugly article and a surprising one as well. You must be a very sad person indeed to write such tripe.
Susan Boyle has a God given talent and it is a privilege to listen to her sing without
all of the superfluous aesthetics that small souls seem to thrive on.
Cheers to you Susan Boyle who will shine past bigots such as this.
magnetite says
Petition? For what? Is she handcuffed to a radiator in Iran? Has she overthrown the government while I napped, and is now legislating that we all have bushy eyebrows and dress like wollen inselbergs?
Those aren’t the kind of votes Cow-hell wants.
Ninjas with impossibly high waistbands are converging on you as I type. If you love your family, send them away. You, sadly, are doomed.
Kevin says
Average singer. But the law of nature says ugly people must be crap at everything except keeping lots of cats. She defies creation, she is the John Merrick of the 21st century.
In case your american this post may contain traces of irony :)
Gary says
The “writer” of the article is clearly a clueless w@nker, his/her ramblings are in complete contrast to the comments of millions of people all over the world. The fact that the writer of the article even has a job as a writer is clear proof of their lack of talent, so quit attacking an incredibly gifted singer who has more talent in a single strand of her unkept hair than you will ever have.
Olla says
It’s far more likely that Hecklerspray and its highly untalented writers will be the object of some obscure trivia question (that too, only if the quiz is specifically about pop-culture blogs) than Susan Boyle would be. Get over yourself, Heritage.
It really is pathetic that people actually have jobs writing vicious, mean-spirited garbage like this and even except people to applaud them and call them clever.
American man says
I’m an American and tend to agree with this article. Listen to her sing but this time close your eyes and picture a younger, prettier woman. Any standing ovations? I didn’t think so. Don’t get me wrong, she has a very nice voice, but her looks are exactly why she’s getting souch attention. Somewhat ironic.
Kevin says
Best bit of the performance is when Cowell’s eyes stop pantomine rolling and become dollar signs. For those few seconds Cowell was more fruit machine than man.
ericw says
I have an image in my head. This image a the lonely guy standing paralyzed on a beach i Thailand looking into a wall of water approching him. The water has been there all the time but have never really generated any panic until Susan Boyle hit the earth. In my head this guy represent MSM and the wall of water is the people that no longer is listening to what MSM is saying. This little guy on the beach is scared to death because he knows he will die. All the people in the wall of water is now talking to each other on YouTube. They are writing thousands of beautiful and intelligent comments after listening to Susan from Scotland. It has been just one big pleasure reading it all. The people in the wall of water don’t need MSM anymore. They want to decide themself what to listen to and they can do it on Internet and YouTube. MSM didn’t realize that all the millions of people in this wall of water easily and immediately were able to recognize the quality of Susan’s voice, her beautiful eyes, her lovely smile and her non fake personality. Susan Boyle is people’s choice and that’s the reason she will not be covered very long by MSM. And that’s the reason MSM will die. Enough is enough.
Julian Mentat says
Stuart, can you put an end to all this ‘job’ criticism by telling us exactly how much you earn here?
Jim Mooney says
I listened to the original cast recording by the pro singer, and Susan sounded better to me. She had much more emotion and depth. I think she’ll last. She can sing songs that grab you and make chills go up you spine – from the theme from Titanic to Ave Maria.
Jim Mooney says
I hate MSM. There are no journalists left in America. It’s all hype, corporate propaganda, and lies. I think the only investigative journalist here actually works for a British newspaper. In fact, I have to read the overseas papers on the net to find out what’s going on here that’s important, since our media seldom investigates or covers anything important. I’ve dealt with them. They’re liars and they suck. They omit, condense and slant everything you give them, so it comes out backward from the truth.
shooty* says
What IS it with you colonials and your “douche bags”? Seriously? It’s such a lame insult, one step up from screaming “you smell!”
Kevin says
She can sing and she is normal looking. Please stop making a fuss. If she was a stunner it would be no big deal, she wouldn’t even stand a chance of winning that Cowell/Morgan ego vechile.
Your all hypocrites!!!!
If you can’t handle sharp wit and cynism why are you on Hecklerspray in the first place?
You crazy Yanks.
This reply board is becoming the funniest thing I have see for a while.
greetings from venice italy says
I hope you are wrong but I fear the worls as it is now, as every single person who was touched by this I would like it to be less flesh showing and more emotion giving: all this is by now almost impossible, specially in anglophone countries, so I sadly have to admit I’ll remember her name for a future tv quiz, but I’ll always keep in my heart that “I dreamed a dream in time gone by…….” from the voice of an angel in disguise
Joke Police says
This is an awesome comment.
My favourite thing about it is all the references to MSM.
I know what the acronym means, but I would love to hear some tinfoil-hatters tells me exactly what they think about ti.
Chuck says
It is obvious you are a critic. Not being able to do anything constructive nor creative and not having a talent to perform leaves you as the public parasite. Your parents must have been lawyers.
Clifford Davidson says
THE WRITER KNOWS BETTER THAN WHAT HE IS SAYING. HE WANTS THE READERS TO BECOME ANNOYED AND SHOW THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT SUSAN. THERE ARE SOME PARTS OF HER SINGING THAT JUST THRILL ME. THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR ALL THESE YEARS, SINGING IS NOT LIKE YEARS AGO. THERE IS A YOUNG LADY WHO SINGS PROFESSIONALLY,’ NO ONE NO ONE CAN MAKE ME FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU ‘ SOMETHING LIKE THAT- SHE PLAYS THE PIANO, IS AFRO-AMERICAN. SHE HAS CLASS. ALL THE OTHERS SING WILDLY. SUSAN WILL COMMAND A ‘CONCERT’ SET THE QUALITY FOR CHILDRENTO USEAS THAT THEY NEED TO PRACTICE IN ORDER TO BECOME A SINGER.THANK YOU SUSAN BOYLE.YOU WILL BECOME RICH. MANY PEOPLE REALIZE THIS AND WONT MIND IF THIS BLESSING WAS THEIRS. SPEND YOUR MONEY WISELY,AND PAY YOUR TAXES, AND YOU WILL LIVE COMFORTABLY FOR AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. BE WISE!
Common Sense says
I have come all the way from 3 years into the future to tell you to shut the hell up.