Last week was a horrific week at the US weekend box office, with Ashton Kutcher inexplicably taking up the top two box office spaces in the form of a cartoon deer and an annoyingly smug coast guard.
This week, though, there's just one clear US weekend box office winner – it's Jack Nicholson, running around throughout the course of The Departed bopping a series of hookers and Matt Damon over the head with an especially large strap-on penis. In short, a big dildo is more famous than Ashton Kutcher, so things are as they should be again.
The Departed isn't just the top film at the US weekend box office chart this week, it's also the first contemporary crime drama from Martin Scorsese in 11 years after a string of documentaries about old men who sell bras for a living, biopics of mental old directors and films about the time when everyone in New York wore really dumb big hats. The Departed is also a remake of Hong Kong movie Infernal Affairs, hopefully paving the way for our long dreamed-of Quentin Tarantino remake of Mad Mission 2: Aces Go Places. Here's the US weekend box office top five…
1 – The Departed (Sure, some people will tell you that The Departed is top of the US weekend box office because it marks the moment that one of the world's greatest directors returns to the style of film he excels the most at, and drags a genuine screen legend and two hot young stars in while he's at it, but would The Departed be top of the US weekend box office if it wasn't for hecklerspray running a haiku competition about Jack Nicholson's strap-on cock? No. No, it wouldn't) $27,015,000
2 – Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (The film that explores the reason why Leatherface decided to carry out his famous chainsaw massacre. Turns out it's because he was a bit of a dick) $19,150,000
3 – Open Season (Poor old Ashton Kutcher. Last week he was riding high at the biggest filmstar in the world, now he's just languishing at number three. However, he can take solace at the fact that he's still the leading provider of voice talent for mildly amusing cartoon ruminant mammals, which is more than we can say about you, you sneering hipster) $16,000,000
4 – Employee Of The Month (Just because Jessica Simpson can't become a Bond girl or star in the big-budget Dallas remake, it doesn't mean that she can't star in unfunny-looking comedies about people who work in a big shop) $11,800,000
5 – The Guardian (In retrospect, Ashton Kutcher could have saved a lot of time by combining the plot of The Guardian with his Open Season character – who wouldn't want to see Kevin Costner trapped in a storm at sea and only having an amusing cartoon deer to rely on?) $9,643,000
Read more:
Weekend box office – Box Office Mojo
[story by Stuart Heritage]