The Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie Wedding Is Off Thanks To Mystery Woman, Obviously

Initially, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren’t bothering to get married because… well… it is a completely redundant institution for those who are petrified of being lonely, compelled to contractually oblige someone to stay with them, rather than, y’know, continue to make an effort.

That and they didn’t want to get married while there were gays in the world that weren’t being afforded the opportunity.

Then, the press then decided that they Brangelina were actually going to tie the knot, despite no indication from either of them. And just as suddenly, the press have decided that the whole thing is off… THANKS TO SOME HARRIDAN MYSTERY WOMAN AND BRADLEY PITT’S WANDERING LUST-EYE OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS CURRENTLY GOING ON.

The angle on this tattle is this: Angelina Jolie is going mental with jealous rage because Brad Pitt has started to let his penis wander, like some kind of sex dowsing rod. Ergo, now Jolie knows just how Jennifer Aniston felt.

After six years together, with the seven year itch imminent, Pitt has apparently got some sort of relationship with another woman! A woman he works with! Because men and women find it physically impossible to avoid having sex with each other once they’ve struck up some kind of friendship! RIGHT?

There’s even photographs of Brad with a young, brunette female human, enjoying her company. It might as well be a close-up of him entering her.

And now, concerned insiders are winding everyone up by spouting off that Angie’s jealous rages are started to push Hollywood’s Brad Pitt away.

A source, clearly full of shit, says:

“Brad resents that Angelina is trying to control him. He told Angelina outright, ‘I’ve always had women friends, I’m always going to have women friends. End of story.’ ”

Naturally, Pitt loves the fact that Jolie is insane with overbearing rage.

“Of course, there’s a part of him — even though he would never admit it — that likes it. Angelina is usually this cool, unaffected, kind of untouchable woman, and when she shows some jealousy, it lets him know she has a weak spot — and that, obviously, she’s crazy about him.”

But. But. He is sticking his thingy up the mystery woman’s doo-dah, right? She’s not being jealous, she’s just found him out, right? That’s the story here isn’t it? The moral is that we shouldn’t ever trust other humans because, essentially, they’re all depraved liars who are hellbent on causing as much heartache as possible… that’s the vibe here isn’t it?

No?

What’s going on then? Surely people wouldn’t just assume a bunch of stuff in the name of getting a load of internet traffic?

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Comments

  1. dog wover says

    If you read the blab-loids this has happened every other week in their relationship since they first hooked up. Yawn……………..

  2. says

    I love Hecklerspray and having noticed Angelina is one of your most popular topics I thought I’d send you this post about Angelina’s claim she will be turning her back on ‘sexy’ to play Cleopatra. I doubt she’ll be able to turn her back on it as its integral to all four roles she’s ever played. For a comical review of a (not so) diverse career: http://notbiginjapan.blogspot.com/2011/07/cest-tres-jolie.html

    I’ve listed you on my Blog Roll and check every day!

    (http://notbiginjapan.blogspot.com)