Last night The Apprentice dabbled in poor Franglais and mildly racist yet entirely subconscious accents. Yes, Lord Sugar sent his minions to Paris to sell their crap to the French. He wants international business people, you see, as you?can't take over the world if your company?s only in the UK.
Unfortunately for everyone else, Melody was the only one who could actually speak French, setting in motion her plan for world domination. She's like The Brain, but with better eyeliner. And Leon was her (slightly more attractive) Pinky.
Before Melody could get cracking with taking over everything though, Lord Sugar needed to rejig the teams. Helen got booted over to Venture, where Susan put herself forward for project manager, despite seemingly having no idea what France even is. That was OK though, because she got to play with fun little products, like the kiddy?s chair and the kiddy backpack. She clearly missed it when Lord Sugar told her to act like a ?Big Person? at the end of last week.
Over at Logic, Melody was being big enough for everyone. Tom wanted to sell the much coveted children?s backpack (apparently it turned into a booster seat or something. hecklerspray wasn?t really listening, because if there's one thing we hate more than people in general it's children) but Melody was having none of it. ? She and Leon had been sent ahead to Paris to do some market research whilst Tom and?Natasha stayed back in London to pick the product.
Unfortunately for Tom though, Melody?s version of market research seemed to be to just make things up. According to her, nobody drives in Paris and so those massive traffic jams are the result of evil cars getting too smart for their own good and just planting themselves in the middle of the road. It's not really what anyone said to her, but it was her story and she was sticking to it. She could get away with this devilish plan because Leon?s complete lack of linguistic skill meant he had no clue what was going on at any point in time and so just stood there drawing some pretty pictures and smiling awkwardly.
Not content with forcing Tom to sell a stupid teapot light and some weird postcard with added cress, Melody then refused to hand over any appointments to anyone else and just went to them all herself. Tom and?Natasha were reduced to phoning strangers and asking to speak to the postcard manager, whilst Leon just stood around looking pretty. For a change.
Back at Venture, meanwhile, Susan?s idea of a great pitch to a massive company was to sit on a booster seat and go ?look how small I am!?. Thankfully for her, Helen was there to completely ignore her and bash ahead, netting the team over ?200,000 of orders for the weird kiddy chair. The woman might actually be a genius.
Having been comprehensively shat on from a great height by Venture, Tom inevitably elected to bring both Pinky and the Brain back into the boardroom with him, where everyone ignored the fact that Brain-y Melody attempted to ruin the task single-handedly. Leon insisted he was at a disadvantage because he couldn't speak the language, thereby completely ignoring the fact that everyone else was speaking English the entire time. Tom, meanwhile, tried to cover the fact he sold absolutely nothing by telling Lord Sugar he's going to be bigger than Dyson.
And Melody? ? Well, Melody?s an award-winning genius, don't you know? She's even Woman of the Future, which means we're in for a terrifying time of odd beverage-themed lighting and huge eyeliner. ?At the end of it all, Leon got fired for having done nothing but drawing pretty pictures, and some standing about. ?Because it turned out that, Lord Sugar liked Melody?s hunger, so she got to stay. Despite being a megalomaniacal monster who is hell-bent on the destruction of the human race. ? So a bit like hecklerspray then.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
fourstar says
We have one of those backpack car seats; it’s absolutely brilliant.
I was therefore shouting “the backpack, the BACKPACK, you silly bint” at the telly for nigh on quarter of an hour, while they debated whether the French actually have nostrils (or something).
Still, everyone needs a hobby.