Last night on the Apprentice it was all-out war. About biscuits. Yes, that's right, those little snacks that you dunk in your cup of tea were enough to inspire vitriolic hatred of hecklerspray proportions. we're almost proud.
It turns out that biscuits are a very serious thing. So serious that Lord Sugar felt the need to interrupt a nice Sunday evening at the Apprentice house to make an ominous entrance and demand that his minions make him shiny new biscuits to pitch to some supermarkets. Of course, he had to reorganise said minions first, so Helen, Jim and Natasha became Venture, whilst Zoe, Susan, Melody and Tom formed Logic.
And then the fighting began.
Project Manager Helen booted Magic Jim off to Wales to come up with their biscuit. He decided that what the world needs more of is hyperactive children, so produced a sickly-sweet flapjack with a whacking great chocolate star on it. Apparently, it was an after school treat that was for any time, which perplexed Natasha. She spent large chunks of the show claiming that their biscuit had the power to alter time and make after school any time (yep, she lost us too), whilst Helen and Jim just told her repeatedly to shut up.
That wasn?t the real warfare though.
No, the apocalyptic battle was over at Logic, where Melody and Zoe spent most of the show just about managing not to claw at each other?s faces. It all started at the factory, where Zoe dispatched Melody and Tom. Melody wanted to make biscuits the new popcorn ? which as far as hecklerspray could tell meant making biscuits which look like a massive shit covered in some undigested marshmallows ? but the focus group weren't having any of it. So she switched to heart-shaped biscuits. Which Zoe hated.
Zoe, it turns out, is allergic to the concept of a target market. The heart biscuit would have had too obvious a niche, and she wanted to make a biscuit for the masses. And so Zoe sided with Tom and his weird biscuit within a biscuit which is sort of covered in chocolate and which you can definitely share, leaving Melody whinging ?I don't like it? down the phone line at her. Zoe obviously didn't care, because she apparently couldn't give a shiny shit about Melody.
But that was just the beginning of the battle. Yes, the nuclear apocalypse was yet to come, and it happened in a south London branch of Asda, of all places. Still determined to not have any kind of target market, Zoe instead launched herself at Melody, causing a giant row right by the flowers. Right before their pitch. Where they then proceeded to act out some strange role-play where they were best friends having the magical sharing biscuit.
Once again though, the true magic was with Jim. He was planning to use his skills to create an insanely expensive advertising campaign for their after school anytime Shooting Star biscuit, and wanted to tie-in with Harry Potter. Apparently you have to go big, or go home.
Luckily for Jim, his magic seemed to pay off. Asda put in an order for 800,000 units, completely destroying Zoe who got a resounding zero orders from three different supermarkets. The win meant that project manager Helen is still yet to lose a task. She's clearly amazing. They may as well just give her the money now.
Of course, they won't be doing that, because there's still some reality TV to be dragged out of the carcasses of this lot?s dignity. And so, in the boardroom, Zoe launched into another battle with Melody, because apparently she hadn?t quite got it out of her system in Asda. Apparently she had no personal problems with Melody. Nobody believed her.
And so, it came to the inevitable firing. Lord Sugar led us briefly to believe that ?hindsight man? Tom was going to be the one to go, but in the end he got rid of Major General Zoe. Outside the boardroom, Melody walked straight past her without even saying goodbye. That's the kind of hatred hecklerspray likes to see.
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EssBen says
wow……I really need a steamer of a poo.