15 bell-ends, one job. The race is on to find someone to tongue Alan Sugar’s wrinkled old scrotum. And make lots of money before the economy collapses.
Before this series of The Apprentice started, I took a look through the candidates, allowing them to hang themselves with their own demented words. Now we’re halfway through – seven firings (can you name them all?) and one who gave up before they’d even started – let’s see who’s left.
Ben Clarke
With Phil gone, Ben has little competition in claiming the award for biggest twat of the series. A walking stockbroker clich?, he even wears braces and a pin-stripe suit, like the dick uniform that it is. Braces! It’s 2009, gawddarnit. Thankfully doesn’t wear a bowler hat, mostly because his head is stuck so far up his arse that he’d need a Caesarean just to take it off.
Distances himself from any sort of decision, just in case it’s the wrong one, sort of nodding along annoyingly so that he can claim as much credit as he likes.
Bottled bringing Debra back to the boardroom because he was scared of her. Aggravates everyone too much to last.
Bell-end rating: 10
Chances of winning: 2
Debra Barr
Another hateful person, Debra represents everything that’s irritating about the making-money-for-the-sake-of-it bunch of self-important arsewipes. Particularly grating when she bawls at and argues with someone sat three inches away from her in the car. A student of the “louder = righter” school.
Had a hissy strop at Nick Hewer for some reason, immediately endearing herself to Alan, who told her to stop as though he was protecting his wife’s honour. She’s a terrifying prospect to deal with, and could start a fight with a mirror.
Bell-end rating: 9
Chances of winning: 5
Howard Ebison
Duck-faced Howard spends most episodes watching and staring in the background, like a creepy children’s toy from a low budget 80s horror film. Sort of Nick Hewer Junior.
Doesn’t seem to actually do anything, which is probably going to work in his favour, because it means he’s been getting on with it intelligently and efficiently. Actually doing the tasks properly makes for exciting TV.
The longer he stays under the gay-dar (because some tit on You’re Fired accidentally outed him) the better.
Bell-end rating: 3
Chances of winning: 9
James McQuillan
Another one that generally fades into the background and gets on with it – bold prediction: James / Howard final.
Despite apparently being a bouncer at some point, James – who looks a bit like Bernard Breslaw – seems ready to burst into tears at a moment’s notice. His reaction to almost being brought back into the boardroom by Ben was to stare at him as though Ben had taken a hammer to his favourite puppy. He was crushed, the dopey sod.
Bell-end rating: 4
Chances of winning: 7
Kate Walsh
Token fit one, came with two surprises. (Not those, you perv. They’re tiny, anyway.) Firstly, that her mouth moves towards whoever she’s talking to, crawling up the side of her face like it’s trying to find out what the inside of her ear looks like.
Secondly, she’s actually pretty good at the tasks, and has a reasonable chance of winning.
Unfortunately, like a drunk uncle at an Australian wedding, or an idiot on Jeremy Kyle, she can’t help but draw herself into every single argument.
Bell-end rating: 6
Chances of winning: 7
Lorraine Tighe
Lorraine is brilliant, simply because she doesn’t really get understand what’s going on. By her own admission, she sort of bumbles through the day and eventually clocks on to what she was supposed to be doing. She’ll walk to the shops without really remembering why, and get there realising that it’s because she’s lost all her shoes.
Exactly the sort of behaviour that the others really love.
At her best when she’s giving a presentation or talking to Real People, because she’s absolutely useless at it, and tries to buy time after being asked an awkward question (such as “how much does it cost?”) by replying “that’s an excellent question, and one I’d be happy to answer…” before stumbling over her words and admitting “we’re not sure”.
Bell-end rating: 7
Chances of winning: 3
Mona Lewis
Mona doesn’t really do a lot, and is sort of the human equivalent of wallpaper. 70s-style wallpaper that your nan has. Doesn’t really look like anyone amusing either, other than the “centipedes in my vagina?” woman (Google it.) Not exactly a comedy goldmine is Mona, the cow.
Now that I’ve said that, next week she’ll single-handedly earn ?1m of sales in a day, while rescuing Margaret from a burning building and explaining quantum physics in a way that Alan understands.
Bell-end rating: 2
Chances of winning: 4
Yasmina Siadatan
If only Yasmina were good looking, the papers could nickname her “The spotty hottie”, but she’s not, but that probably won’t stop them. Has serious dominatrix like qualities, and manages to only bicker a little bit, the kind of stern-ness
Her highlight so far is that while she runs a restaurant, she had no problem serving up Asda Smartprice tuna to paying guests in one task. The Asda Smartprice brand is like Tesco Value, but with the nice bits taken out. It’s on sale for the benefit of people who shop in Asda anyway and are too scummy to pay for normal food.
Getting noticeably more pregnant each week, which will inevitably lead to an employment law skirting conversation with Alan, in which he convinces her that she doesn’t want to work for him while she’s got Evil Chef Jr. swimming around inside her.
Bell-end rating: 5
Chances of winning: 5
Who wrote this? Why Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows did.
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Horror says
Thank Christ that chucklefuck Phil has gone. Gives us northerners a bad name, the pompous prick.
Yasmina ftw, simply because she’s hot. The redhead was my original winner (hottest), but she got wrongly shit-canned.
Leave Ben to me. My kangaroo court set up in the snug at The Old Elm Tree has sentenced him to 1 of 3 punishments. Death of a Thousand Kicks, Death by Hammers, or Bearded Violence.