Last night?s Apprentice was the filthiest yet. It turns out that Natasha wants everyone to blow their loads, which frankly is a mental image that hecklerspray could do without. Especially the image of Tom. He looks like he'd probably cry, and nobody ever needs to see that. We might need therapy just to get over the thought of it. Lots and lots of therapy.
Thankfully the filth wasn?t just there to disturb us. No, it was filth in the name of publishing. And we don't mean the stuff that's hidden on the top shelf. We mean the free magazines that annoying people shove in your face on the way to work in the morning, which are apparently called ?freemium? magazines. That's a horrible term though, so we won't be using it ever again.
Before he let the contestants loose on the publishing world though, Lord Sugar had to make a scary entrance and re-jig the teams again. Jim got moved over to Venture, whilst Leon took over his spot at Logic. It seemed a pointless move, but then Lord Sugar announced from his ominous looming spot that he wanted Natasha and Jim to be project managers. Which is where the filth came in.
For Natasha, it seems, is a complete filth merchant. Seriously, the girl?s disgusting. If she were a Hollywood starlet we?d be faced with photos of her unmentionables on an almost daily basis, and she'd absolutely love it. But thankfully, so far her filth is contained to the pages of her little lad?s mag, which she was hell-bent on publishing.
In her endless quest for smut she managed to ignore her team, her focus group, and even the title of her own magazine. They were all pointing towards a more ?high-brow? lad?s mag experience with a bit of a business focus, but that would?ve got in the way of the tits. And so, Logic ended up with a magazine called ?Covered? with a scantily-clad woman on the cover, and a feature about how people ?blow their load?. Which managed to embarrass the entire male population of London during the on-street interviews. Natasha claims she's talking about spending money, but we know she lies.
Over at Venture, Nick declared war on Magic Jim. Apparently trying to nail anything on Jim is like ?trying to nail jelly to a wall?, because he's just so bloody charming he makes everyone else agree with him. And it seems Nick might be right. Jim made them all agree they should launch a magazine aimed at over 60s. He convinced them all that they should produce a really boring and condescending magazine even though that's exactly what their focus group told them not to do. He even talked everyone into going with Zoe?s appalling name ?Hip Replacement?, despite the fact it was obviously going to alienate everyone. It may as well have been called ‘Oxygen Thieves’ or ‘Just Die Already. You may think that’s far fetched, but ‘Coffin Dodgers’ was a genuine suggestion for this tawdry freebie.
It turned out though, that alienating readers was the least of Venture?s troubles, because they still had the advertising pitches to worry about. For all his magic, Jim just couldn't grasp the concept of negotiation, and so swung wildly from refusing to negotiate at all to slashing his advertising rates in half. Meanwhile Natasha couldn't stay away from the filth long enough to allow Leon to finish his pitch, but that didn't seem to matter since apparently their concept was SO 1995, darling.
Despite having fallen into some smut-coated time warp, Logic ended up on top (we're sorry. We had to) after one agency bought up all the ad space in their entire publication, thus setting up the biggest boardroom battle yet.
we're not talking about Jim and Glenn both turning on Susan (which they did, but with that tiny meeping voice, that's to be expected). No. we're talking about Nick?s deep-seated and passionate hatred of Magic Jim. He's picked up on the magic, you see, and he's not at all happy about it. And he seemed really pissed off about Jim running an article in his magazine which teaches over 60s how to use the phone. And he hates the way Jim covers his arse. Really, he just seems to want him dead.
Unfortunately for Nick though, Lord Sugar decided to give Jim another chance, and fired Glenn instead. Which seemed to be just because Glenn is an engineer, and apparently they're shit at business.
What we're really looking forward to though, is finding out what Susan does with the advice that she needs to be a Big Person. we're really hoping this means She'll spend all of next week?s task on stilts, and maybe in a sumo suit. She won't get much bigger than that.
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Tim says
Indeed Nick does seem to have it in for Jim, but to be honest I think it’s warranted. Behind the Irish charm and the tough negotiator, he has made far too many bad mistakes in recent weeks.
But he’s still only half as bad as Natasha, who was bad in every sense of the word and was incredibly lucky that she somehow won – despite rubbishing Leon after the first pitch, which was the one which won them the task. Sadly, she appeared to survive her fencing lesson – no one accidentally found a way to run her through with a foil …
More random thoughts over at my blog.