Well it’s been a high profile week for music what will all the sports happening and that. If you didn’t watch the kitten walk on the pitch in the football or MIA flip the proverbial bird in the Super Bowl then it really doesn’t matter because The Metro covers just about all of it in a much more elaborate and unnecessary way than the above sentence makes you think it might be worth.

The kitten doesn’t have a music video out, but we’re positive you can watch it singing on YouTube or, you can see it in your mind’s eye on ketamine; whatever takes your fancy really.

MIA on the other hand does have a video response out in antithesis to the popular Alexandra Burke song ‘Bad Boys’, which is nice for her. Shall we watch some new releases then?

MIA has opted to show us all her bad side in ‘Bad Girls’ which frankly we just never saw coming.

Warning. It features cars and a load of posing.

And not much worthwhile tune.

If you were bored enough to watch the above ‘short film’ from Roman Gavras, the director of “How can I make a short lived cultural criticism next?” then you will have noticed Maya wearing her shiny bra on the outside like a feminine version of Super Girl. She bad. It’s probably all political and about war and oil and greed and stuff, but MIA knows that’s way over all our heads so she decided to re-enact that scene from Sex And The City 2 where everyone in the Middle East dresses like a Western capitalist twat. She bad.

So what’s just happened right now is we’ve just watched nearly four entire minutes of our very first Alexandra Burke video. Yeah, she’s back which is probably not a coincidence, but more of an elephant in the room as she so candidly puts it on the song ‘Elephant.’ It’s all just a bit unfortunate really.

Brilliantly, you can’t embed the video yet, so if you want to actually see it after listening to that cod-club bilge, click here

We all just need to calm down a minute. You might think The Shins are a boring band and this video proves you 500 per cent right, but we’re still standing by them.

It could be captivating if you… no? Okay. Sorry. Moving on, we here at the ‘spray like to teach you, dear reader, stuff. Not how to read; we don’t want you to leave, but how to see in colour—it’s something they can do now with technology and stuff. Sadly OK GO got their first as per.

We know it’s for Big Bird and his friends on ‘the farm’ but hopefully now you will all see how OK GO are little more than a meme. Can we all move on from their 753 trick pony now?

Addendum- if you’re still helplessly trying to be relevant then you can watch the numerous parodies of Lana Del Ray that are being knocked together in studios across the world. One of them features her off of that film about the funny women and the other features the comedian not off of the funny film with the women, but does have some references to teenage literature.

We’ll let you decide what you want to do with that.

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.

Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.

And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…

The video for ‘Stupid Hoe’ (or ‘Stupid Stupid’ if you’re listening to the edited, radio-friendly version) is the usual bubblegum Grace Jones schtick, with Minaj batting her eyelashes like a prom queen, as well as the typical post-GaGa ‘unusual make-up’ thing.

So far, so Minaj-by-numbers.

However, the song itself lacks the synth-wizz that adorns 99% of pop-tracks currently. Instead, she’s gone for a sparse drum-machine, basskick number, complete with a ‘woopwoop’ noise that is more irritating that a thousand toddlers vying for your attention.

Essentially, listening to a Nicki Minaj record allows you to feel the unswerving anguish of being a teacher at a kindergarten.

And so, forget all that obvious talent she’s got and get your ears round this. You may titter at some of her lyrics (especially those concerning Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson), but alas, you may never even get to them as you hack at your ears with a stapler in a bid to make it all end.

LUCKY YOU! ENJOY! ETC!

World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.

We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.

Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?

Showing us all how not to do everything is the most boring non-member of Mumford and Sons Laura Marling.

She’s still whacking her hands against that stringed up tissue box and spitting slowly dying cats out of her face. So, obviously you might want to watch this on mute wherein you will transcend yourself and become one of those people who cites Russian Ballet as a hobby.

You scumbags.

If you like dancing, which as a nation we seem to do, then you will find this video exciting. Conforming to the aforementioned law that one of the vital elements for the success of a music video is the objectification of women, the people doing the dancing are of course women and they are of course wearing some unflattering black underwear, but underwear nonetheless; besides it’s black and we all know that means they want to have sex.

Probably with that snazzy man dancer who’s getting all up in their pelvic thrusts. Laura Marling-1, Feminism-0.

The Arctic Monkeys have gone back into the studio. Anybody?

Oh yeah Richard Hawley is there just in case you forgot they were local lads who love local things. Yes, we get it. You’re from Sheffield.

Breaking news coming in as we’re writing! The original Sugababes seem closer than ever to reforming according to one ardent twitter fan and thousands of unassuming idiots. Try not to break a sweat chasing this one round the rumour mill it’s only been a thousand years and a non-existent number of incarnations and counting.

Obviously you’ll be the first to receive a staggering endorsement of their new video from us if this ever happens. Regular service resuming in 5… 4… 3…

Yay The Red Hot Chili Peppers are still around and Anthony Kiedis still has the biggest dick in the business; everybody dance now! Well, you could, but someone decided to take the video offline thanks to copyright issues. WHAT A SHAME. All you’re missing is the usual turgid rubbish, complete with hair. Oh, there’s also a massive dog/penis allegory that’s being waved in the camera for three minutes.

The weekly metal music video to keep you in a state of habitual depression comes courtesy of Mastadon.

Metal can be sensual too is what this says. How? Well that’s a very good question, but here we state a case that it is through the innocence of a woman’s face. Metal-1, Feminism- -1.

Next week we’ll be ditching gender politics and solving the problems that are inherent within society due to the class system and economic policy so be sure to tune in for that and for the latest on what Mutya, Keisha, and the other one are doing.

Only America could host the idea of having a commercial about a commercial. And that’s exactly what VW have done in the build-up to the Super Bowl, which of course, is more of a marketing showreel than an actual sporting event.

Hell. American Football is barely a sport in itself. Ostensibly, it’s two teams of androids running at each other screaming. What’s not to like?

Anyway, the commercial about a commercial features a squad of dogs all in Star Wars garb and  together, they sing a very familiar tune. Click over the jump to watch it. And no, we’re not getting paid for this.

Last year, we saw VW flogging their Passat with an advert called ‘The Force’ which showed a little Vader trying to use his powers around the house.

The company behind that have come up with another Star Wars themed commercial and George Lucas obvious doesn’t mind coining it in for zero work. So how do you top Mini Vader? DOGS. And VW stuck out a teaser for the upcoming VW Super Bowl commercial.

And Super Bowl ads are not to be sniffed at. This year, companies are paying an average of $3.5 million for 30 seconds of advertising time in the big game (which is on February 5th).

But you don’t care about that.

You want to see a bunch of dogs dressed in Star Wars outfits singing a song don’t you? Keep an eye out for the AT-AT. Absolute show stealer.

We’d love to tell you about the tragic things that have been happening this week, but we can’t get on Wikipedia because of some protest for some dumb law the stupid Americans are trying to enforce. We’d love to tell you what that law is, but you know we aren’t really all that knowledgeable about anything without the use of facts made up by people like you.

We do love it when the world wide web gets it’s knickers in a twist though and it seems like everyone is so we’re here to join in with our eloquently put words; FREE SPEECH IS WELL COOL.

In a tone more akin to what you’re used to seeing here we will now proceed to inform you about the abysmal endorsement of capitalism by Alex “absolute git hamper” James. You might recognise him as the bassist from Blur, or much more likely is that you’ve seen his name on a bag of pre-grated cheese in Asda. It all went downhill when they started slicing bread if you ask us. The once beacon of foppish country cool now hangs around with fellow swan-munchers Cameron and Clarkson sipping freshly juiced faecal matter from paper cups which they then use to muddy our big rotten society so it’s no surprise then to learn that he writes for The Sun now, obviously. Today he announced that he bums McDonalds—of course he calls it Maccy D’s—and Greggs, and KFC, and factory farming, and animal incest, and free love. Okay well maybe not the last one; nobody’s that sick.

Another man that’s a stinking Tory who is regurgitating his lower intestinal tract into words for us to read every day is Brian May, this nutter and his hair just blog instead of write songs, probably because years of brushing that mane have mangled his hands beyond repair.

Not enough though it seems to stop him from making some dreadful decisions.

Yes by dreadful decisions we are referring explicitly to working with The Splat In The Hat, Dappy.

It’s fine though guys – it’s hard to ruin a career when you can’t hear it behind the auto tune. This is what Dappy looks like when he’s living like a rockstar, which coincidentally is the name of the song and the only reason that Brian May is here. Well that and for some reason that he will take to his grave.

You can see the 24 year old sitting in a vacant swimming pool drawing tally marks and talking about Amy Winehouse and The 27 Club; which is absolutely the only reason why anyone will take notice of this dreadful song. Oh, respect to dead Fred as well Bri’.

Another stupid dead person is Jim Morrison and it seems his return isn’t friendly for the epileptics so, the afflicted might want to skip this dub butchery by Skrillex.

You can watch the video the actual promotional video here because some dufus didn’t put it on YouTube so we could embed it on this page. Concerning the video, to be fair to the friendly looking young man, this isn’t entirely his fault. Yes he quit his hardcore band to pursue a career as a DJ. Yes, he chose to remix The Doors. Yes, he forced the still barely alive members of the band to clap like robots. Yes, he is a terrible person. BUT it is something to do with a documentary and The Grammy’s in which the smarmy likes of Mark Ronson will remix songs from ‘traditional music’ they’re calling it Re:Generation and we’re calling it wrong. The live show looks thrilling though… if you’re into pollution of all senses that is.

Alas, it’s always a shame when a career doesn’t quite work out, it’s just so much hassle, but when you’ve been defeated it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Santigold, clearly, is not a fan of this method. Yes, the woman who released a song nobody knows the name of an inordinate amount of years ago is back and she’s holding onto that multi-coloured childlike dearth of charisma with everything her scrawny frame will allow.

She probably drew the scenery and picked out those pleather shorts all by herself. She can probably cross the road by herself as well because she’s evidently still alive. Don’t you hate it when Santigold is still alive? It’s like if M.I.A if M.I.A wasn’t a bourgeois sign of the times for pretentious…Oh, well then.

For fans of: M.I.A.

All this bloody Lana Del Ray nonsense can bugger off back into the stupid void as well, she was never as good a singer as you wanted her to be and this whole SNL debacle isn’t as bad as you want it to be either so you can all bite your roguish tongues and cock right off. You know what was terrible about SNL? Daniel Radcliffe’s cardigan.

There was some more videos in store for you, but frankly we don’t want you to see them and instead will give you some Lionel Richie as punishment for your sins.

Hello from ant1mat3rie on Vimeo.

Okay so that was the best punishment ever huh?

Christ, we’re starting this year as we mean to go on, which is by turning up very late, slightly drunk, and not really having anything to say. So it’s a lot like last year really, except people might be taking things more seriously because we could all be about to die if the Mayans have anything to do with anything.

Frankly after all this hype we’re pulling for them. You can’t have an evolved civilisation and not be right about the end of the world, things just don’t work like that.

Characteristically we’re apologising for not doing anything for a whole 12 days, but you know we did spend £6.50 on one whisky and we watched New Girl so the recovery period was catastrophic if we’re actually over it yet (we’re not). But don’t worry your revitalised little hearts because nobody has done any music videos. Well some people did, but they’re just rude. Clearly anyone who is anyone is sitting at home and tweeting their well wishes to Beyoncé for having a child and then calling it Blue Ivy not Ivy Blue—a controversial move by the woman who thought a man who picked the last letter of the alphabet for a name was daddy material.

Sometimes it pays to be rude, so here are some videos that reaffirm your faith in how much you hate people. And, what with 2012 being the year of starting sentences with ‘and’ because we dare to defy your English teachers, by people we mean The Arctic Monkeys who you completely forgot existed didn’t you? Well they’re still around and apparently they have an album called Suck It And See.

Did you learn? Did you learn all about how Matt Helders can rock orange as good as anyone bar the entire cast of Con Air? It’s a fairly okay song called ‘Black Treacle’ and there’s little more to add than that, so we shout instead…

Bloody hell! It appears that this year is the year of continuing promotion for albums that came out ages ago which is exactly why whiny gits Death Cab For Cutie have a new song out! As you might expect it’s a bit, you know, whiny.

Hey! What’s this? It’s an acronym and acronym’s are always pretty daunting especially when they say “V.E.N.O.M.” Just remember that these are some lovely young chaps from Leeds and not mass murderers and you’ll be fully equipped to see ‘young’ men expressing their emotions via rabies and tie dye.

But who cares about that, once you realise that The Scissor Sisters are back? Did any of you care? Now they might have been gone a few years (roughly a million) but that’s no excuse for embracing electronica and rap and then just forcing them to penetrate each other continuously for four minutes; especially when the song is loosely paedophilic.

Yep, that was the video, it was a lot of children gyrating intercut with some shots of old men. That was it. If you didn’t hate it enough already then the worst person to ever win the NME ‘Cool’ list sing on the track—hence it being tripe.

Some other bands have videos out too, including one called The Slowdown who aren’t The Wanted or One Direction, but manage to look like both and they have a song called ‘Sex’ but, like us, you probably can’t be arsed more than anything you’ve ever not been arsed about. You could though treat yourself and watch this:

It’s so lovely. It was pitched as a short film by a real director and has real actors in who have been in things you pretend not to have heard of and love like Lovejoy and Mrs Henderson Presents, it even has a real narrative. It’s like young love but with old people and death and Alzheimer’s and stuff which is weird because we don’t think the song sounds sad, but we didn’t listen to the lyrics or anything, do people still do that?

Think about Will Smith in your piddling mind. Go on. Try. What are you thinking? That he seems like an inoffensively nice bloke. The kind of chap you could take home to mama and everything would be AOK?

WRONG! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? THE MAN IS CLEARLY A MONSTER!

How so? Well, you may have seen recently, that the cast of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air go back together for a nice reunion. One person wasn’t there. That person is Janet Hubert and she wants you all to know the truth about Will Smith and what a massive jerk he is. Honest. He’s nearly as bad as Lucifer himself. No, it’s nothing to do with his pop-rap career which blossomed with a WIKKIWILDWILDWEST.

Janet played the original Vivian Banks in the Fresh Prince, before getting fired for getting pregnant. Great work patriarchy. She spat to coffin chasers TMZ:

“There will never be a reunion as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith.”

“He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up.”

It seems that former co-stars Tatyana Ali, Karyn Parsons, Alfonso Riberio and James Avery don’t think Will Smith is a massive demonic bozo. And who are we to believe? James Avery isn’t only Dad Phil in Fresh Prince, but he’s also the voice of Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

Surely we all side with him?

Either was, Hubert still blames Smith for her 1993 mid-series departure from the show.

“This constant reunion will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology. He doesn’t know the word.”

Smith has before spoken about all this, once saying:

“She’s mad now but she’s been mad all along. She said once, ‘I’ve been in the business for 10 years and this snotty-nosed punk comes along and gets a show.’ No matter what, to her I’m just the AntiChrist.”

So there you have it. Will Smith. As evil as a box of goat hooves.

The blaring sound of happiness triumphing is overpowering these days, suppose it must be some sort of seasonal holiday that once again we have failed to understand, yet attempt to embrace by eating chocolates out of crassly wrapped boxes.

What do you guys get from this? All we get is fat which in turn makes us drink more which in turn makes us slip ever more down the spiral and so on and so forth into a new year—don’t even get us started on that ozone layer depleting holiday.

In a wildly ludicrous attempt to garner the attention and affection of you, the demanding public, we will be providing you with some sort of visual and audible spirit; we do also need to watch something fuzzy after having our insides bored out of breathing by the preciously twee trailer for The Hobbit. So here in all their glory are some music video delights showing us the true spirit of Christmas is a horrendous cover that won’t do anything for falling sales or loss of fame.

What says Christmas more than Michael Buble? Sorry about the lack of accent on his name. We’re just not actually that bothered.

Anyway, he’s just released what seems like his millionth Christmas album since the fall of Jesus and God and all those other biblical people.

Watch this and have fervently sweaty and pleasant dreams.

Okay. So that wasn’t exactly a music video, but it had the opportunity to be better than one because you essentially just watched ITV’s A Night In With Michael Buble – again sorry – in three minutes and if that’s not a gift this Christmas then what is? You heard the man talk about how he wants to be in homes all over the world, like the big guy himself, you saw his freakish mouth, his gigantic peni… love of Bing Crosby, and best of all you got to see the twinkly eyed fucker sing in the snow, on a stoop, under a tree, in a room, wearing coats, and scarves, and all manner of suitable attire.

He even admitted he’s going to force his undoubtedly hot wife into giving him children so he can make some more really, really boringly festive people. Great.

YouTube has just destroyed the collective insides of the world and made this writer implode by forcing an advert for Justin Bieber to be watched all the way through before watching one of his cutesy coma inducing videos. EURGH. That’s it Christmas is cancelled.

We have been led to too many Justin Bieber videos through this column. He’s just a young boy kissing a girl under the mistletoe asking her to love him—or something. We don’t even care.  It went straight to number one on the iTunes chart quelle surprise. If you approve of self-harm then you can totally watch him covering ‘Santa Baby’ with Mariah Carey, but we’re having nothing to do with that because we’re watching a Willow Smith video instead, it has fire, and Nicki Minaj so we’re definitely winning at life right now. On a side note—who dresses this girl and why are they obsessed with drag and Rihanna?

Don’t shout guys, but this isn’t a music video either because it’s Christmas and we’re giving you new things unlike anything you’ve seen or heard before which is exactly what this is.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you. You have Ellen Degeneres, your favourite lesbian chat show host shouting in her shrill voice, you have hipster dreamboat Zooey Deschanel and then M Ward who we have nothing to say about other than.

Yes together they are She & Him and they are docile and swell and all the qualities that make music really great for morphine addicts, which is why everyone in the audiences gets a copy of their album and then yelps!

Of course, the best thing that could possibly happen at Christmas is Scott Weiland. You might know who the drug addict is from his fairly famous ‘classic rock’ outfits Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver—he was the one making a dick out of himself. Well he’s only gone and brushed under the rug the fact he has released an album of Christmas covers and it’s the worst thing ever that we absolutely don’t want to ever stop thinking about.

Watch why The Verve were right about the drugs not working.

We’ve just broken ourselves.

Right. Well we’re shivering because it’s cold these days, but we hope you can manage to pick up the pieces enough to have a lovely Christmas and please don’t forget to leave your mice pies out for Michael.

The trailer for the first part of Peter Jackson’s hugely-anticipated return to Middle Earth, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, has hit the internet shelves for everyone to get all excited over.

Unless, of course, you can’t stand all that hairy toed adventure from pipe-smoking midgets.

Naturally, the trailer itself is over the jump of this article. This means we’ll have some padding to do before then in an attempt to make you watch it on our site rather than somewhere else. This requires a paragraph to leave you ‘hanging’, willing you to click ‘read more’. Please read more. It’ll be worth it. We’ve noticed a link between The Hobbit and the terrible 80s He-Man film, The Masters Of The Universe.

In the trailer, you’ll see Ian Holm as Bilbo, talking to Frodo, before we jump back in time where Bilbo Baggins was actually Martin Freeman, which is nice.

He then puts a stapler in some jelly.

Ian McKellen shows up as Gandalf, and then the swooping orchestrations start to force you into feeling like a buckle has been swashed or some nonsense.

Then, all the stars arrive, with Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) and some other all appearing in New Zealand, pretending it is some magical land of fairies and that little dude with the annoying voice arrived to mention his pwecious.

Just watch it yourself, alright?

But what’s this about He-Man? Well, watching the trailer and seeing the big noses and acrylic hair, we couldn’t help but get a reminder of the irritating Gwildor from the Masters Of The Universe film which starred Dolph Lundgren.

Look. Gwildor is a Hobbit!

As it gets closer and closer to the date of doom when we have to write either a boringly predictable end of year music video list or put together a collection of hideously glittery over the top festive themed videos that look like they were all filmed in the Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two studio the more often we start our day by exclaiming, “Christ,” which is, if you think about it, actually rather fitting.

After a hecklerspray piss-up last week in the home of no cash-machines and topless fighting children, or Newcastle if you will, we forgot all about the wonderful world of the music video and so this is being brought to you from haggard hands.

Not just any haggard hands though, festive haggard hands which we can surely all appreciate as we scoff brandy soaked cakes in our gasping mouths—don’t you just love Christmas?

Before the onslaught of seasonal spirit we present to you over the course of the next week here is an actual decent song by our favourite little Hip-Hop trio Das Racist.

The videos not very good, but just like them, it has swathes of charm.

Besides anyone who manages to make a Nirvana t-shirt look vaguely cool after the age of 14 is okay by us.

WATCH IT.

So, apparently there’s a band called Tripple Nipples and apparently they have a song called LSD which all sounds like it might be vaguely interesting and we’re going into this as blind as you are.

The still images are frankly terrifying though, so it’s a good start.

Well that sort of just happened didn’t it? When they say they like their LSD, you believe every syllable they yelp deranged and helplessly in your direction. At least they saved you the trouble of trying actual LSD because now listening to it is just as terrible as dropping it. Happy Christmas nightmares.

What is with this new phenomenon of the short film as music video? We just don’t get it. It’s depraved and is a blemish on the name of good short films everywhere, especially when it’s the likes of Duran Duran and that bloke from Oasis that are marketing their new careers with them. The average brain can’t handle more than about ten minutes at a time which is why we have dreaded advert breaks and we ladies and gents have a very average brain, not least when it comes to this dirge, you shouldn’t need an ad break in a music video—here’s looking at you Duran Duran.

Their star-studded music video for ‘Girl Panic!’ is nine minutes long and absolutely cocking annoying. You could watch the four minute version, but where’s the torture in that? If we’re watching Naomi Campbell, Helena Christensen, Cindy Crawford and some other underweight coke-addicts then we’re watching them in full unadulterated glory… RIGHT?

If you can even consider what it might be like to witness Naomi Campbell ‘acting’ as Simon Le Bon then you still have no idea of how despicable this is. Not only is more than half of it a simple rehashing of the glory days of the band so good they… PLEASE KILL US ALL RIGHT NOW.

This little slice of Euro-Dance has a polished and shiny video to match its audio. What it does also have in abundance is androgyny, you know, if that’s your thing.

HAPPY YULE BERKS.

May 2012 will see the return of Men In Black in the imaginatively titled Men In Black 3. Once again, we’ll be seeing Will Smith ostensibly being The Fresh Prince: Still Has A Job With The Government and Tommy Lee Jones looking really, really old.

Of course, the first MIB was something of a light-relief puffpiece which was the remedy to the shade of loads of overbearing, dense sci-fi flicks… but now?

Well, it’s just nakedly nothing more than franchisism. Is their any point to a new Men In Black film? YES THERE IS. AND WE’LL HALF-HEARTEDLY TELL YOU WHY.

The first Men In Black was dumb fun, while the second one felt like it was a weak enough concept being stretched to breaking point.

MIB3 knows this, and as such, has decided to throw some time travel at the whole thing. Obviously Doctor Who’s growing popularity in the States hasn’t gone unnoticed.

Anyway, before we get going, you should totally watch the trailer.

You’ll be amazed at how minuscule your emotion response will be to it. There’ll be a faint flicker of feeling as it trundles past your eyes. Your brains will barely register the goings-on, until some bloke does a passable impression of a young Tommy Lee Jones.

So, now you’ve watched MIB3 trailer, you’re thinking ‘Gah, it doesn’t look dreadful… just… nothing,’ right? So what can we get excited about?

THE SONG WILL SMITH WILL QUITE OBVIOUSLY RELEASE YOU NITWIT!

Of course, the first MIB single sampled Patrice Rushen’s ‘Forget Me Nots’ (which is just brilliant). Will Smith kinda ruined it, but what with him being a big, dozy berk, you couldn’t hate him for it.

For MIB2, Smith released the semi-serious ‘Black Suits Comin” which is just terrible. Clearly an attempt at recreating the first-bell adrenaline rush of Mama Said Knock You Out by LL Cool J. Alas, it was all something of an ill-advised squib.

So, what is Smith going to tackle this time? Surely he realises that he only ever caught the attention of the public when using a catchy, well-known song and spinning it into the MIB franchise?

He’s going to have to look for a disco or funk break isn’t he? Wild Wild West was a terrible film, but his sampling of Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Wish’ saw him bagging a chart monster. As such, he should totally sample Average White Band’s Pick Up The Pieces and retag it, ‘Blast ‘Em To Pieces’ or, work in something about ‘time pieces’ if the latest caper is all about time travel.

Yeah. We want a royalty on this.

It’s that most magical time of the year when Alan Sugar picks a child to mould into another of Amstrad’s robotic minions! We get to watch it happen live on TV as well! It’s great! Now, relax as Michael Park, Sophie Hall & Kris Silver guide through through the labyrinthian world of the Boardroom.

For fans of slapstick comedy (hi there!) the old Three Stooges films were pretty much perfect. They were also terrifyingly violent, which of course, made them even more amusing! So what could possibly go wrong?

Well, how about the Farrelly brothers bringing it back and making a joyless modern adaptation?

Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Jim Carrey were lined up to play Larry, Moe and Curly and, wisely, they ran a million miles away from this obviously dreadful idea. Wanna see the trailer so you know how woeful it is?

The first trailer for the new film has arrived and stars Chris Diamantopoulos, Sean Hayes and Will Sasso in the lead roles.

WHO?

You may have seen the Farrelly Bros. films, such as There’s Something About Mary, and thought that it was all pretty base, but not awful thanks to a bit of heart and soul. You can’t say the same for this new Three Stooges flick as it features a lame iPhone gag, a lousy appearance from Snooki (from Jersey Shore) and a whole lotta tits and ass.

Dreck.

Of course, there’ll be nyuk nyuks and people’s eyes getting poked out… but really, there’s nothing going on that the original films didn’t do. And the old movies did it with a thousand times more heart by the looks of things.

Let’s compare and contrast in a arbitrary and unfair fashion shall we?

Three Stooges 2011 Trailer

Now, after watching that , see how the old Stooges took things way further. How about getting stabbed in the eye-socket, set on fire and your face put on a grinder? No modern film would allow such a thing!

Or, maybe you prefer screwdrivers in the eyeball or trying to saw an arm off for laughs? Either way, this new film has a lot to live up to or fear death by firing squad.

This column is coming to you now because it’s Christmas and that’s a time of giving and moral empathy and we couldn’t not share our joyous life with you. None of these videos are real, we hope you realise that, they are mere clip shows of the fragments of our fabulously wealthy lives where nobody works and everybody has sexual encounters which disfigure their daily routine—which is exactly why Noel Gallagher is being streamed directly into your pelvis.

Except it’s not Christmas is it? It’s December effing the second! Which means there are many doors on your Lego Star Wars advent calendar to be opened before you get a lump of coal and many tireless hours of hearing ‘Fairytale of New York’, tediously throwing up mulled wine before your family sits around a cheap table not talking about how Daniel is on anti-psychotics and mummy cries herself to sleep at night after eating three bars of Galaxy from her secret chocolate box under the bed.

No, there won’t be any Christmas songs here – not until December 24^th when it’s okay to just post clips of Tim Allen.

Manchester has arguably always been a trendsetter in the world of musical cutting edgery. It has produced many famous bands, almost all of whom come from outside of Manchester.

Anyway, one man definitely from Manchester, Noel Gallagher has released a short film to accompany his High Flying Birds thing.

Ride The Tiger is a whole new calibre of music video because it’s… well… a really long thing that imagines America through the eyes of someone who has barely been outside of a tour-arranged hotel room, shot through Hipstamatic. Oh, and has Russell Brand stroking his penis everywhere.

Noel might be singing, “If I had a gun I’d shoot a hole into the sun,” but you’ll be wishing he’d shoot the hole in his mouth by the time he’s done.

Here. Watch it yourself, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

It’s hard to believe other music videos came out this week, but apparently life moves on. Not that there’s any point, but Tom Vek released a music video. ‘Someone Loves You’ is directed by a French man and thus is pretty, minimalist and oozes cool like everything Mr. Vek does.

Nothing happens, obviously, it’s just the best dressed man in music standing in a white room with the colour red moving around him in various different ways as he so pertinently says, “No fun, no fun,” where are the convertibles and the deserts and the diners huh Tom? Where are they?

We’ve heard so much about Slow Club and how they’re really interesting people who make good honest music, but until now, we had never bothered to look into this claim. Don’t worry though good readers, with the video for ‘If We’re Still Alive’, the duo have debunked all myths about being interesting et al.

Basically, they’ve made a video with live footage (WOW!) and, get this, seemingly the off-cuts of Noel’s cod-road movie.

There are no more music videos this week — Nicola Roberts doesn’t count. None. Zilch. Noel usurped them all into a big mass of massiveness and he’s not even sorry.

Next week we’ll be watching Liam Gallagher’s 40 minute western response video coming to you in the form of swears; if Carlsberg made music videos…