It’s because dead people just can’t stop making sex tapes at the moment. Just a few weeks after word of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape got out, it’s now been claimed that the equally dead Jimi Hendrix also made a sex tape with a couple of women. And best of all, the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is actually for sale!

True, most who have actually seen the Jimi Hendrix sex tape seem fairly certain that it’s a fake and that it’s mildly insulting for Jimi Hendrix to be attributed to some pornography just because it stars a black man with an afro and facial hair, but put yourselves in the distributor’s place – a famous face always makes more money, so it was always either going to be the Jimi Hendrix sex tape or the That Bloke Out Of TV On The Radio Sex Tape, and who’d buy that?

Jimi Hendrix may have choked to death on his own vomit 38 years ago, but he’s still as zeitgeisty as ever. Jimi’s take on fashion was iconic, his virtuoso guitar technique is still the high watermark for musicians to aspire to and – boy oh boy – his image-defiling energy drink sure is delicious!

But, more than that, Jimi Hendrix might have also managed to preempt the current fad for celebrity sex tapes. That’s right – if you believe Vivid Entertainment, Jimi Hendrix is now up there with A-listers like Kid Rock, Paris Hilton and that woman from Sex And The City because some alleged footage of him having it away with a couple of women has been unearthed.

And we’ll have none of this Marilyn Monroe sex tape ‘Ooh, let’s hide it and respect the dignity of the dead’ kerfuffle – this time copies of the Jimi Hendrix sex tape will go on sale to the public! Now you finally know what to get your office’s friendless, death-obsessed pervo sickball if his name comes up in the Secret Santa this year! Yay!

However, just because the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is for sale, it doesn’t mean that it actually stars Jimi Hendrix. As Reuters reports, the identity of the sex tape’s star is being contested:

The musician’s longtime girlfriend during the 1960s, Kathy Etchingham, told the New York Times after viewing still photos taken from the footage: “It is not him. His face is too broad and nose and nostrils too wide for Jimi.”… But Vivid said it consulted with several experts to authenticate the footage, including… Cynthia Albritton, better known as Cynthia Plaster Caster, famed for making plaster molds of celebrities’ genitals, including those of Hendrix.

Listen, it is Jimi Hendrix in the tape, OK? The word of a woman who briefly plunged Jimi Hendrix’s knob into a mould once four decades ago and now dines off that solitary fact on an official website where the menu bar is a stack of ejaculating penises should never be doubted. Never!

So let’s just assume that the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is genuine. And, so soon after the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, too. It seems like there’s a pattern emerging here, doesn’t it? So place your bets now! Which dead celebrity will be the next tawdry sex tape star? Will it be Elvis Presley? James Dean? Grace Kelly? Pope Gregory II? We’re giddy with anticipation!

Read more:

Purported Jimi Hendrix sex tape sold online – Reuters

And, according to OK! Magazine, upon their return, Britney presented Kevin with a belated £69,000 30th birthday present.

Sixty-nine thosand pounds! Wow, what did she get him? A small house? A big car? A new and improved genetically modified brain that can come up with better lyrics than: “I’m not your brother, I’m not your uncle, I’m Daddy do, Steppin’ in this game and y’all ain’t got a clue?” Nope, none of those things. Can you guess? That’s right; a watch.

A fucking £69k time-keeping device. Why not just take a look at the position of the sun? It’s completely free of charge!

For that same amount of money K-Fed could listen to the talking clock for about 200 years. Honestly, there was us saying last week that she’s back on track, and then she goes and pulls off the most mental move of her life.

Britney has been throwing away the cash recently. Earlier this week she donated £12,500 to the ‘Idol gives back’ charity, because – as a source told CMR: “she watched the show and cried for like two hours over the children in Africa with malaria”. Meaning the idea of K-Fed being unaware of the time is over five times as traumatic as African kids dying of malaria. Sort of.

And all this at a time when she can only get access to her millions by convincing her daddy, who’s in control of financial affairs, that it’s a sensible purchase. A source close to James, Britney’s father, said yesterday:

“He personally approved the mini-vacation and birthday present purchases. There is nothing more he and Brit’s mother, Lynne, would love than for her and Kevin to get back together. Kevin’s whole attitude to his ex-wife has changed. He can see she is responding to treatment for her bipolar disorder, staying sober and trying to rebuild her life and career. Though she is becoming again the woman he fell in love with, they both know rushing into remarriage too soon could be dangerous. So they’re taking baby steps and it seems to be working. Kevin believes she’s almost ready to be a full-time mom again. They are both anxious to put all that behind them and start afresh. They deserve to find happiness and they feel their happiness, as well as that of their children, hinges on them being a family – a proper one this time round.”

Good luck to them. And Britney, if you’re reading this and wondering what to ask your pop to let you spend your money on next, hecklerspray has it’s very own malaria-ridden African child who has been told by the doctor he has just three hours to live.

Trouble is he hasn’t got a watch to count away the seconds. That’s got to be worth at least 150,000 Britney pounds. Make the cheque payable to Paul Sorrenti (his legal guardian) and, please, hurry up.

Read More – Britney And Kevin Back Together? – OK! Magazine