Now that New Moon is an unqualified success, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart carry on doing what they love best.

And that’s schlepping around together looking genuinely miserable. This time, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen together in New York, eating food and being outside and stuff. Oh, and possibly getting their bodyguards to stand in the way while they have a quick kiss.

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart finally an item? Maybe the answer is yes. Maybe the answer is no. Maybe we’ll never find out for sure. And maybe one day we’ll get bored and stop asking. PS: that last one is patently never going to happen.

Thanks to New Moon, the world has two new A-list megastars – and we’re certain that they make a wonderful couple. We’re talking, of course, about Taylor Lautner’s nipples. True, one day Taylor Lautner’s nipples might fall out of favour with one another and go through a painful drawn-out split, but for now they’re megastars. Megastars, you hear?

Also, there’s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, who are also quite famous and probably a couple, although they lose marks for not being quite as attractive as a 16-year-old boy’s hairy nipples.

The Robert Pattinson/ Kristen Stewart romance is troubling not only because it doesn’t have a proper name yet (Krobert? Stattinson? Pisten?), but because both parties are maintaining a steely silence about it. To this day, Robert Pattinson says he can’t get a date and Kristen Stewart maintains that she’s a lesbian. But they’re always together – so what gives?

Well, luckily enough, some people had nothing better to do than stalk around New York three paces behind Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart last weekend, jotting down every single individual sign of intimacy between them into a grubby little notebook. And, luckily enough, we’ve got nothing better to do than pass that information on in the misguided belief that any of it’s worthwhile. People reports:

The duo started their night at the ultra exclusive Soho House, where they “had a good time”. Later, they skipped over to Avenue, where they were spotted making out while their bodyguards tried to block prying eyes. On Saturday night the two were spotted getting close at Dive Bar, on the Upper West Side. A source spotted the duo around 3 a.m. with their bodyguard in tow.

So that, it would seem, is that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were seen making out, so they must be a couple. Unless the information was false and they weren’t making out and they’re not a couple. But let’s assume that they are, in which case we’d like to congratulate Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart on their new-found love. And also, we’d like to warn them that if they ever have kids, they’re going to have some really shit hair.

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Obviously when we saw New Moon, we mean The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Because that’s the film’s official title.

Or we mean Omigod Omigod OMIGODDDD I TOTALLY JUST SAW EDWARD’S NIPPLES! SQUEEE! Because that’s what people who see the film are most likely to screech when asked about it. Anyway, New Moon is the new weekend box office number one, after opening to record-breaking success.

What records did New Moon break? Well, it officially had the highest opening day gross of any film in history, so that’s one. It’s also broken the record for the film that made us unfriend the most amount of people on Facebook for saying how much they enjoyed it. Go New Moon!

If you haven’t seen New Moon yet, then SPOILER ALERT – it’s rubbish. And about two hours too long. And made up exclusively of painfully drawn-out silences and close-up shots of boy nipples. And it’s rubbish. Did we mention that it’s rubbish?

But New Moon is also successful, which is why it’s number one at the US weekend box office this week. It’s already broken box office records. It’s already the biggest werewolf movie ever. It’s had the biggest-ever opening for an independent movie. It’s caused more involuntary urination than any other film this year and it’s the best-performing film about a pale, undead ghoul with a creepy fondness for people much younger than him since that Michael Jackson film. Here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - New Moon (If you liked New Moon, you’ll love watching its stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in other hit films like, um, no. No, actually, we’ve got nothing) $140,700,000

2 - The Blind Side (Sandra Bullock plays a southern woman who adopts an impoverished young black boy from a broken home and, against the odds, falls in love with him. We made that last bit up based on the plot of every other Sandra Bullock film. We’re probably right) $34,510,000

3 - 2012 (Where John Cusack almost causes the total extinction of the human species. Which we thought he almost did when he made Serendipity. Are we right? Huh? HUH?) $26,500,000

4 - Planet 51 (Where Dwayne The Rock Johnson goes on a fun-filled family adventure and blah blah blah blah blah blah hilarious consequences) $12,600,000

5 - A Christmas Carol (The first of Robert Zemeckis‘ computer animated films where you’re not overwhelmingly creeped out by the almost-human characters. That’s because this is a Jim Carrey film and you’re bound to be more freaked out by the almost-human voices) $12,230,000

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Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

This is a difficult time for Miley Cyrus. She’s clearly desperate to break free from the shackles of Hannah Montana and become a more adult-oriented performer, but how? Taking her clothes off for magazines? She’s already done that. Releasing singles that sound like tenth-rate Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-offs instead of tenth-rate High School Musical rip-offs? She’s already done that too. What else can Miley do to deliberately distance herself from her tween fanbase?

We know! Why doesn’t Miley Cyrus take every opportunity to badmouth everything that tweens traditionally like? It’s a perfect idea. Tweens like Twitter, so why doesn’t Miley Cyrus suddenly decide that she hates Twitter? What? She’s already done that? Brilliant? What next? What else do tweens like? Heelies? Too niche. Ice cream? Too broad. Talking about themselves endless in gratingly rasping voices under the profound misapprehension that anybody cares? But Miley likes that too! Oh, this is SO HARD!

Hang on, what about Twilight? That’s perfect. Tweens don’t just like Twilight, they love Twilight. They love Twilight so much that all they want to do when they grow up is get pregnant from a 108-year-old man who’ll gnaw through her guts to get the baby out. So why doesn’t Miley Cyrus just trash that? It’s a DEAL! MTV reports:

“I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” Miley [said]. The starlet went on to elaborate on what exactly it is about “Twilight” that offends her. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. … I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” she said.

Well, gee Miley, we knew that you didn’t like shirts – because you take enough photos of yourself without them – but to say that you don’t like Twilight a few days before the release of New Moon is put thousands of young fans in a quandary. What are they supposed to do now?

Do they side with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the effortlessly dishevelled stars of New Moon who inspire lust and devotion everywhere they go? Or do the side with the annoying 16-year-old who’s probably best known for holding hands with a Jonas Brother and singing songs like Ice Cream Freeze (Let’s Chill)?

Yeah, it’s a toughie.

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With New Moon being released this week, there’s only one question that needs to be asked about the Twilight saga.

And that’s ‘for the love of all that’s holy, won’t somebody make it stop?’ Oh, and also ‘now that the saga has become so depressingly popular, will Stephenie Meyer ever write another Twilight book?’ That is a question that needs to be asked. It is. It is. Alright, it isn’t. But Stephenie Meyer has answered it anyway.

So will there be a new Twilight book? Maybe. One day. Unless she thinks of something better to do. Possibly. You’re welcome Twilight fans. You’re welcome.

At the moment, the Twilight saga has a perfect ending. Breaking Dawn – the book where Edward chews through Bella’s uterus or whatever – wraps things up nicely for everyone. Bella becomes a vampire, Edward finds love, Taylor Lautner decides that he wants to have sex with a baby or something and all the Twilight fans who read it end up soaked in their own wee to such a horrendous extent that even they realise they should probably start reading real books for once. It’s a perfect ending.

However, because the books are so popular – and definitely not because Stephenie Meyer wants enough money to submerge a giant coin mosaic of her own face at the bottom of her Olympic-sized heated swimming pool – there’s a chance that Breaking Dawn might not be the last Twilight book after all. Why, just the other day Oprah Winfrey opened an episode of her show with the burning question:

“Coming up, will there be a fifth book in the Twilight saga? Stephenie answers that later.”

Admittedly Oprah didn’t get round to actually asking that question – she was probably too busy prattling on about her feelings like some sort of awful ninny – but after the show some backstagers, probably rolling their eyes and muttering “She’s always doing this”, collared Stephenie Meyer and forced her to answer the question. Here’s what she said:

“I can’t answer it. The way I write, it’s what makes me happy. Like, I can’t write when people are looking over my shoulder. I am a little burned out on vampires right now. I think I need a little break. I might go spend some time with my aliens. I did envision it as a longer series. But I wrapped ‘Breaking Dawn’ in a way that I felt satisfied with, so if that moment didn’t come, I’d be OK.”

Brilliant! That means there’s definitely going to be a fifth Twilight book – Stephenie Meyer just needs to write an underperforming book about aliens that makes her realise that she’ll only have enough money to eat if she keeps joylessly churning out Twilight stories first. And you know what that means – a new Twilight book will eventually become a new Twilight film!

We don’t know what we’re more excited about – the thought of seeing a paunchy Taylor Lautner taking his top off with the kind of glee you only get when you’ve spent the last decade making direct-to-DVD erotic thrillers or the fact that, by the time the fifth Twilight film gets made, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will have got married, had children and gone through the bitterest divorce in Hollywood history, making every scene they share toe-curlingly awkward for everyone involved.

But what to call the fifth Twilight book? We’ve already had Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – what comes after that? Well, if our research is anything to go by, we can now comfortably predict that the next Twilight book will be called The Fat Lady Gets Another Jaffa Cake Out Of The Packet. We’re almost completely certain about that.

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Robert Pattinson has got it all. He’s got incredible fame. He’s got wealth. He’s got moviestar good looks.

He’s got a stinky arse. He’s got armpit odour that could blind a nun from 30 paces. He’s got breath that could dissolve concrete. He’s got feet that could be isolated and used as a spitefully powerful weaponised pathogen. He has. No, really, he has. Robert Pattinson has admitted to a magazine that he essentially smells like a dirty protest in a curry house.

Um, Robert Pattinson? We think you’ll find that slagging you off is our job, not yours. Would you like it if we starred in a number of crappy films about sparkly bad-haired effeminate vampires? No. No you wouldn’t. So stop it.

How do you divide Twilight fans into groups? Splitting them into those who dribble and those who don’t won’t work, because they all dribble. Similarly, you can’t divide them into groups of 1) those who wear black nail varnish and those who don’t, 2) those who uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and those who don’t or 3) those who are desperately lonely and those who aren’t, because all Twilight fans wear black nail varnish, uncontrollably urinate down themselves at the slightest provocation and are desperately lonely. That’s just a fact.

But maybe you can divide Twilight fans into those who like Robert Pattinson and those who like Taylor Lautner. Yes, that works. Twilight fans who like Taylor Lautner prefer buff young men with an uncontrollable wild side and an inexplicable propensity for wandering around half naked. And Twilight fans who like Robert Pattinson prefer men who stink like a barrel of bums in a curdled yoghurt factory.

It’s true. Remember all those rumours from earlier this year about how Robert Pattinson stinks? And remember how he initially denied it? Well it’s all out in the open now. We know it’s all out in the open because a) Robert Pattinson has admitted that he stinks, and b) all the foliage in a 40-mile radius of Robert Pattinson’s dirty bum has wilted, died, caught on fire and started to poison people with its toxic bum-smoke. Us Weekly reports:

Pattinson says that he rarely changes his clothes. “These jeans are a few days old,” he says. “But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!” He explains that his constant travel schedule pares down his wardrobe quite a bit.

You know what? We’re proud of Robert Pattinson. It takes a big man to step forward and admit that he reeks like an old man’s shoe that’s been filled with bat guano. It takes a big man to admit that smelling his scalp is like smelling a pork chop that’s been left behind a radiator for six months. It takes a big man to admit that when he cries, the tears smell like a mixture of raw sewage and infected wounds. Be proud, Robert Pattinson. Hold your chin up high. Raise your arms in triumph.

Actually, no, put your arms down again. Jesus, man, you smell like crap.

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If you’re going insert a foreign body into yourself, surely you wouldn’t want to use something that can only be associated with visceral terror, right?

Wrong, apparently.

As a response to my heartfelt criticism of Twilight, someone sent me this link to what appears to be a dildo based on what Edward’s junk might look like. It’s after the jump, so proceed with caution…

The site describes it as ”….a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.”

Like the abstinent sparkle prince, himself, the dildo is shimmery and can also be kept in the fridge for a more authentic experience. They’ve literally thought of everything, I guess. How lovely. I for one, can definitely envisage a scenario in which a mentally balanced person, who does not live alone with five cats, does not write Harry Potter Slash fiction and does not have an OKCupid page in which she lists her religion as ‘Wiccan’ purchasing this item. Certainly.

But it’s not just Twilight, though. Another friend sent me a link to a site called Bad Dragon which he described as ‘nightmarish’. He was not far wrong.

Have you ever wanted to pretend you were having sex with an anthropomorphic dragon? No? Congratulations on not being completely and utterly batshit insane. I literally buried my face in my hands when I saw the website. We should all repent while there’s still time. Surely a cleansing hellfire can’t be far off if these monstrosities are in production. Dragon dildos are a sign of the end times.

Their forums are full of happy reviewers who just can’t get enough of these perfectly nauseating cries for help. A quote from user ‘Rayneuki’ that I feel probably sums up the average customer ‘‘….And my cat had jumped onto the bed to sniff the strange penis that was now placed on my heaving chest.” Fantastic.

Or what better way to honour the president of the United States Of America than by masturbating with a plastic sex toy moulded in the shape of his face? ”For those too lazy to defecate on a picture of his family”.

Then there’s the ‘alien dildo‘. The about section does not answer the question I asked and that question is simply ‘why?’. Serious question. If you are the creator of alien dildos, I would love for you to answer this question so I can go on living my life.

I just added this Mantrix dildo because its the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. The male model was obviously wearing glasses so the photographer wouldn’t see how hard he was crying. Jesus Christ. I wonder if anyone ever thinks their movie related dildo is really dated.

Thanks for reading my guest blog about dildos. I feel like I probably should have mentioned it was NSFW.

This filth was down to Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. Blame her.

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There’s a good chance that Kristen Stewart is the most envied girl on the face of the planet right now.

Why? Just look at her. She doesn’t just get to kiss Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner all day long, but she actually gets paid to do it. No wonder Kristen Stewart recently topped an imaginary poll of stars who teenage girls would most like to secretly kill in order to dance around in a nightmarish suit made out of their skin.

And how does Kristen Stewart react to all this scrutiny of her private life? By telling the entire world to jolly well eff off, obviously.

This question of whether or not Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are doing it isn’t going away, is it? Believe the tabloids and they either are doing it, were doing it but stopped doing it – probably because Robert Pattinson smells like arses – or that they’re so completely in love that doing it has become a routine chore that stopped being exciting to either of them long ago. Believe Robert Pattinson and they definitely aren’t doing it.

Who are we supposed to trust here? Hang on, there’s one person who nobody has asked yet. Kristen Stewart. She’s famous for her forthright manner – and her slightly horse-shaped head, although that’s less relevant – so why doesn’t someone ask her what’s going on?

Funny you should ask, because Entertainment Weekly has done exactly that. And Kristen Stewart’s response?

“I probably would’ve answered it if people hadn’t made such a big deal about it. I know that people are really funny about ‘Well, you chose to be an actor, why don’t you just fucking give your whole life away? Can I have your firstborn child?’… Okay, we are. We aren’t. I’m a lesbian. I’m just trying to keep something. If people started asking me if I was dating Taylor, I’d be like ‘Fuck off!’”

So there you have it. Kristen Stewart is doing it with Robert Pattinson. And she’s not. And she’s a lesbian. So that’s that cleared up.

Really, though, we don’t know why Kristen Stewart can’t just be honest about everything. She should think of all the New Moon fans – if they don’t know whether or not she’s doing it with Robert Pattinson, then how will they know whether or not to scratch her face off all their New Moon merchandise with a mathematical compass and then write the word ‘BITCH!!!!!!’ underneath it in Tipp-Ex? It’s inconsiderate of Kristen Stewart, that’s what it is.

But, still, we suppose we can see her point. After all, it can’t be nice to see your personal life become public property like this. Especially not when it happens two weeks before the release of the new movie that also stars the man who you’ve been romantically linked with, and all you’re trying to do is promote the film in any way you possibly can. Yes, that must be awful.

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We don’t know about you, but we wish that the events in Twilight and New Moon would happen in real life.

We wish we knew a topless werewolf. We wish the world was really full of vampires. We really wish that Robert Pattinson would dissolve as soon as he comes in contact with sunlight. But, more than anything, we wish that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were a real couple.

But, sadly, they’re not. Robert Pattinson has told Vanity Fair as much. Which means that they are. Unless they’ve broken up. But they haven’t. Probably. Unless they’re not. Clear?

It must be so difficult for the cast of New Moon. Here they are, all ready to promote their new movie to the world, and their personal lives have suddenly decided to rear up completely of their own accord with no prompting from the New Moon marketing department or anything. It’s a terrible inconvenience for them, we’re sure.

Just last week we learnt that New Moon’s Taylor Lautner had found love with Taylor Swift, apropos of absolutely nothing. Next week we’re fully expecting to hear that New Moon’s Michael Sheen has somehow hooked up with a Jonas Brother. And this week it’s back to trusty old Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

If you follow this sort of thing, you may have noticed rumours in the press that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are a couple. These rumours have been fuelled in part by the undeniable onscreen chemistry they share, and in part by the fact that they’re almost definitely having it away with each other in real life. Believe what you read and you’ll know that Robert and Kristen do everything together. They eat together. They stay in hotels together. From looking at them, you’d think that they have competitions to see who can go the longest without washing together.

Except if you ask Robert Pattinson about any of this, he’ll completely deny it. We know this because Vanity Fair asked Robert Pattinson this recently, and he completely denied it. Look:

“It doesn’t make any difference what you say [to the tabloids]. I’ve literally been across the country [from Kristen], and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ … She’s influenced how I’ve done all the Twilight stuff. It’s quite nice to have someone who is genuinely indifferent to the whole spectacle of everything.”

So what’s the truth here? Are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart a couple or aren’t they? Will the world soon be full of bored-looking, shit-haired babies who look as if they could do with a couple of hours in the sunshine or won’t it? Will knowing the answer one way or the other make you any happier or even affect your life in any measurable way whatsoever or won’t it?

It won’t? Didn’t think so.

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NEW MOON SPOILER ALERT: We’ve heard from insiders that Taylor Lautner might take his shirt off in New Moon.

But tell nobody. It’s a secret. If you look closely at the New Moon marketing campaign, though, you might see hints. Like the way that, say, Taylor Lautner doesn’t wear a shirt in any of the New Moon trailers. Or any of the New Moon posters. Or the way that he appears to have never worn an item of clothing on his torso ever, even briefly as a joke.

And this upsets Taylor Lautner. He says he wants to be remembered for his acting, not his body. And he’ll prove it with his next movie, The Topless Adventures Of Captain Areola And The Greased-Up Avengers.

Taylor Lautner must be under an incredible amount of pressure at the moment. In just over three weeks he’ll be carrying his first movie as a lead. That’s hard enough as it is, but this film is New Moon – a Twilight film – so that means he’s guaranteed to be followed about by legions of dribble-flecked female fans wherever he goes. Worse, those fans will either be noisy, near-hysterical teenagers or creepy, slightly paedophilic-seeming middle-aged women, so it won’t even be fun. And, worse still, he probably won’t be wearing a shirt when it happens.

Because Taylor Lautner never wears a shirt. Never. Ever since the New Moon director told him to beef up or get out, Taylor has spent every minute of every day strutting around without a top on. That goes beyond showing off – that’s just impractical. It might make teenage girls scream, but so does violent abduction and there’s nothing funny about that.

And Taylor Lautner seems to know that he’s becoming known primarily as Nipple Boy, which is why he’s decided to whine about his prolific lack of clothing to MTV, saying:

“I don’t want to become known as just a body. If I had to choose, I would never take my shirt off again in a movie, but I guess that’s not very realistic. I certainly won’t be asking to do it, though.”

Taylor’s right. Although he’d like very much to play a normal human being who wears an appropriate amount of clothes for the rest of his career, it’s just not very realistic.

For starters, there are the rest of the Twilight films to make – and we’ve all read that chapter in Eclipse where Jacob rubs a stick of butter across his naked body in slow motion to the sound of I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd – and his chances of keeping his shirt of post-Twilight are also pretty slim. After all, the world of tawdry low-budget cable TV erotic thrillers is kind of fastidious about that kind of thing, and that’s obviously where he’s headed.

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Star Wars and Clone Wars.

Folded:

• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!)
• Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet)
• A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?)
• The kid in THIS PRAM (…will have the best story to tell when he gets older. Pity he won’t remember any of it)
• Awkwardfamilyphotos.com (very funny, so long as you don’t see yourself on there)

Creased:

• Life after Uncharted 2 (too upsetting to think about. Alcoholism maybe?)
• The Twilight Saga: New Moon (is anyone over sixteen actually excited about this?)
• JD’s Don Johnson stubble on Scrubs (possibly he’s shaved it off by now. Still though, very late eighties)
• Leave it to Lamas (can you believe this guy was in Grease?! Scrap that, he was Renegade!)
• Lindsay Lohan (what has she done to herself now?)

Are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner?

Well, yes. Yes, there are probably several. But are there two more famous teenagers in the world right now who have the same first name and might possibly be dating than Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner? No. We mean, there might be. But we haven’t checked. Seriously, what kind of joyless imbecile goes around finding couples who share a first name to see if they’re more or less famous than other couples who share a first name? Not us, buddy. NOT US.

Anyway, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner might be dating. That was our point.

Poor old Robert Pattinson. Thanks to Twilight, he’s spent much of this year swanning around with his pointy cheekbones and stupid haircut like he’s cock of the walk. Why just a few months ago, Robert Pattinson could have easily stolen your girlfriend, provided that your girlfriend was a kohl-eyed 13-year-old girl with a slack bladder and a depressing fondness for Paramore.

But now? Now Robert Pattinson is out of the picture. He’s only got a bit-part in New Moon, and so he can’t even get a date these days. Instead, everyone has turned their attention Taylor Lautner, who plays Willy The Werewolf in New Moon. He’s just like Robert Pattinson in that he’s got a genuinely alarming haircut, but he’s also compulsively unable to keep a shirt on for longer than about 30 seconds, so all the ladies love him.

Specifically, Taylor Swift loves him. Or at least that’s the rumour. MTV reports:

The pair have set tongues wagging after they were spotted canoodling following one of Swift’s concerts at the weekend. Lautner was also present at two of Swift’s Chicago gigs, sitting in the front row. According to Access Hollywood, the actor couldn’t keep his eyes off Swift and after she finished her performance, the couple shared a hug.

Now this might be a bit premature, but we think we can smell a megacouple in the making. After all, Taylor Lautner is currently the most desirable young actor on the planet, and Taylor Swift is currently the most desirable probable virgin who’s only famous because her music video isn’t as good as Beyonce’s music video on the planet. They’re made for each other.

So let’s start the whole megacouple process now. First we need to pick a clever Brangelina-style compound name for them. So let’s take the first half of Taylor Swift’s name and the last half of Taylor Lautner’s name. That gives us… oh, Taylor. OK, then we’ll take the first half of Taylor Lautner’s name and the last half of Taylor Swift’s name. Taylor. Oh balls. This isn’t working out nearly as well as we’d hoped. Taayloor? Ttaayylloorr? Twoler? Twoler. That’ll do. Twoler.

Congratulations on your budding relationship Twoler. We look forward to calling you Twoler as often as possible until you decide not to be a couple any more, which we expect to happen roughly four minutes after Taylor Lautner can stop promoting New Moon.

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Robert Pattinson might be one of the most famous haircuts in the world right now, but he still can’t find a date.

Don’t get excited. That sentence probably needs a qualifier. Let’s try this: Robert Pattinson still can’t find a date… with anyone who isn’t a witless honking teenage girl with bladder control problems, a rubbish haircut and a frankly dispiriting fixation with terrible films about vampires. So that’s you ruled out, clearly.

Anyway, it’s apparently true. Robert Pattinson says he’s having trouble in the love department. He’s working on it, but first he needs to fix his problems in the haircut, acting range and charisma departments. It’s good to prioritise.

When Twilight came out, a debate raged among fans about whether it was Robert Pattinson who was sexy, or his character Edward Cullen. That debate has long since been sewn up, though – it’s definitely Robert Pattinson who’s the sexy one. Why, just look at the raging success of his non-Twilight work for proof.

There was his Salvador Dali movie Little Ashes, which spent four months at the top of the box office. And How To Be, which won all of the Oscars ever made the day after it was released. And The Summer House, which saw Robert Pattinson walking off with several awards, the Nobel Peace Prize and, an IOU for the British Crown Jewels and a written offer from the UN to become King Of The World Forever, despite it only being 12 minutes long.

Oh, alright. Aside from Twilight, Robert Pattinson still hasn’t set the world on fire with his acting yet. But at least he’s got his pick of the world’s women – or at least the world’s women who are either under the age of 16 and think that wearing black Revlon nail enamel is an appropriate way to express furious rebellion, or over the age of 45 and secretly wish that people could be as friendly as cats. That’s something, right?

Apparently not. Because Robert Pattinson just can’t get a date. He told the Sydney Morning Herald:

“Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert – I still can’t get a date… To be honest, I still don’t really understand what’s going on. I was having lunch down the road. We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it’s like that all the time now.”

OK, well we’re widely known for our wisdom and tact when it comes to dealing with other people’s relationship problems, so let’s help Robert Pattinson out. We can see three main reasons why Robert Pattinson can’t get a date:

1 - He refers to himself in the third person and monopolises every date he goes on with endless self-pitying anecdotes about how hard it is to be famous,

2 - He stinks,

3 - He actually finds it quite easy to get dates, but New Moon is out next month and people who like New Moon are generally too thick to see the old ‘I just haven’t met the right girl yet’ line as the transparent marketing ploy that it very obviously is. Also, in real life, Robert Pattinson probably wouldn’t touch any Twilight fans with a shitty stick for exactly that reason.

Which of these reasons is true? The first or second one, hopefully. In which case we’ve still totally got a chance with him. SQUEEEEE!

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New Moon will be released soon – so soon, in fact, that we can almost smell the mixture of black nail polish and teenage urine from here.

But there’s trouble on the horizon. According to magazine reports this week, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have dramatically fallen in love and their relationship is threatening to pull the success of  New Moon apart. Wait, did we say ‘threatening to pull New Moon apart’? Because we meant ‘coming off like a cynical marketing stunt designed exclusively to make millions of useless teenage girls become even more unbearably excited about New Moon‘.

Our mistake.

The thing that girls like about Robert Pattinson is that he’s attainable. It has to be. Because it’s clearly not his haircut. Or his juddering lack of any charisma whatsoever. Or his personal hygiene. No, it has to be because he’s attainable. Girls think that they have a shot at Robert Pattinson because he looks like a mediocre, drawn-from-memory pencil sketch of a 1980s barbershop model. All they want to do is take him home, give him a shave, wash his hair and somehow try to mould his skull into something more recognisably human.

Our point is this – if Robert Pattinson ever went public with a girlfriend, his popularity would immediately plummet. And if he ever went public with a girlfriend who happened to star opposite him in the only films he’ll ever be remembered for, then we’d probably never hear from him again.

Which is a shame because, if reports are to be believed, Robert Pattinson is madly in love with Kristen Stewart.

And, yes, we know that this might not strictly be news – all the dinner dates and concert-based nuzzling that’s been going on between them lately has seen to that – but what is news is that the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might rip New Moon apart. Sorry, that wasn’t anywhere near sensational enough. Let’s try again: the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might RIP New Moon APART!!

That’s better. OK! reports:

A real-life romance between the two would subvert New Moon’s entire story line, and the studio brass want the Bella-Jacob spark to appear equally as plausible as the Bella-Edward relationship. “The producers took Rob and Kris aside and told them to keep their relationship under wraps for a few more months,” an insider tells OK!. “But they’re so much in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other.”

Yes, that sounds simply dreadful, doesn’t it? Imagine all the damage that would be done to the forthcoming New Moon if it was carelessly revealed in the run-up to its release that the film’s primary leads were engaged in some sort of romantic activity. Look how something similar wrecked the highly popular Mr & Mrs Smith and every film that Jennifer Aniston has made since people started liking her again. What a nightmare.

Really, what’s the point in hiding it if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart really are together? After all, Twilight fans are emotionally mature enough to cope with something like that, aren’t they? Aren’t they, E! Online?

As [Robert and Kristen] left a show together [on Monday night], some drunken girl supposedly called our girl K.Stew “a bitch”—resulting in a Twi-fan-on-Twi-fan throwdown.

Oh. Oh, well good luck with that, then.

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As anyone who’s anyone already knows, the Twilight series revolves around several gay vampires struggling to marry in California or something.

Will the state’s senate hear their pleas? Rumor has it we’ll find out in the third film – Eclipse. Everyone’s filming in a red barn right now, and the commonly accepted speculation is that this is where the bloodiest gay hoedown in cinematic history is supposed to take place.

In the book it happens in chapter 4.

Apparently onlookers are lined up outside the barn snapping tons of pictures – while you’re stuck at a stupid desk. It’s so unfair, life.

New Moon is nowhere near theaters yet and already the crazy cat ladies of the world are all abuzz about it’s follow up. Well we’ve got good news for you cat ladies – stop stroking Mr. Sniffles and get yourself down to the red barn. Make sure to wear a shirt that really pops so that Edward sees you and inevitably falls in love. You may only have this one chance – make it count. And by that we mean you should leave your Care Bear knapsack at home.

Seriously, find something non-ridiculous to pack your lunch in.

Also, use a lint roller to take care of those long, furry hairs on your jacket. Edward hates furry hairs, and they make you look unkempt.

We know you’d probably like a more specific address than just ‘the red barn,’ but we don’t have one.

Terribly sorry.

What we do have though, is a scoop that’s sure to make you crap your Donald Duck-embroidered pants:

“Last night, on the set of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, many on-lookers snapped photographs and videos of the production crew setting up a big, red barn. The consensus seems to be that the scene being shot involves two vampires in some sort of dream sequence. Most agree that this is probably related to Jasper…and his experience with the character Maria.”

Thanks for that, Examiner.com. And ladies – although we’re not sure exactly what you’ll find in the afore mentioned red barn – here are some possibilities:

1) Taylor Lautner rubbing lotion on several other male wolf-folk in various stages of dog-transformation. Some seem to like it, some don’t. None leave though.

2) The scene being filmed is Edward learning that Bella has always been his father. This varies from the book a bit, but was a tremendously successful formula when used in Star Wars. Plus it makes those whiskers she had in the first film make a lot more sense. You get it in retrospect now, don’t you. Us too.

3) A bunch of cows strapped in to a mechanical milker & a pitch fork wielding farmer telling you this is private property, & he’s got an emergency shotgun buried in that pile of hay right there.

Well what are you waiting for? Get going already! And for Pete’s sake let us know if we were right about any of it.

Really, we already know we’re right because dozens of our on-set secret sources have confirmed it, but get back to us anyway. We promise to act surprised.

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The onscreen chemistry between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is what makes Twilight so popular.

Actually, that’s a fib. Sorry. Cynical marketing aimed at a notoriously stupid demographic is what makes Twilight so popular – Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have the onscreen chemistry of two learning-disabled second-hand toilet brushes after an extensive series of amateur lobotomies. But, hey, that’s just onscreen – offscreen Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are totally doing it.

Probably. They went to a Kings Of Leon concert on Saturday and were photographed having what appears to be a little snog, anyway. Romantic. And sort of off-puttingly grubby.

Oh dear. Twilight fans didn’t need much of an excuse to hate Kristen Stewart as it was – after all, she gets paid to hang out with Robert Pattinson even though she’s got a face like a balloon horse – but now she’s really gone and done it. A set of photos from a concert on Saturday have given all the squealing teenage Twilight fans all the ammunition they need to legitimately hate her forever.

That’s right – Kristen Stewart likes Kings Of Leon.

We know, what a massive bitch. They might be the cackiest redneck U2 cover band on the face of the planet at the moment, responsible for a number of songs for people who don’t really like songs, but there she was at a Kings Of Leon concert in Vancouver on Saturday, sitting there clapping along to their stupid music and kissing Robert Pattinson and probably whooping every time that hairy Cletus of a frontman made a noise like a wookie Bono getting his ankle caught in a bear trap. It’s enough to make you sick. Kings Of Leon? Oh Kristen Stewart, how could you?

Anyway, the LA Times has decided to ignore this red hot ‘Kristen Stewart likes Kings Of Leon and is therefore an insufferable twonk’ angle to focus on the kissing Robert Pattinson thing, the idiots:

New photos have surfaced on RadarOnline from the concert in Vancouver, Canada. Robert and Kristen are seen EXTREMELY CLOSE to each other. According to observers, Robert, 23, and Kristen, 19, were having a great time together, smoking and drinking at the concert. And the buzz is that their interaction heated up when when KoL played “Sex on Fire.”

So are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart actually an item now? Let’s go on record now as saying that we really hope they are – if it puts and end to the jealousy and the food-eating and the tedious love triangles and the dreary denials and the alleged pregnancies, then great. We’re so keen for all that nonsense to stop that we’d give our blessing to Kristen Stewart if she decided to start having it off with a stoat in a tiny top hat.

Plus it’s a weight off Robert Pattinson’s mind, too – by getting together with Kristen Stewart he knows that he’s probably not the only Twilight star who crazed fans want to push into traffic any more. It’s a win-win, and you Twilight fans will see that once you’ve stopped cutting yourself and scratching the word ‘HOAR’ into every photograph of Kristen Stewart you can find.

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