Tim Minchin has had a pop at ITV after his live performance of satirical Christmas song WoodyAllenJesus was cut from last night’s Jonathan Ross show. For the first time in his life, he can feel like he’s some kind of modern day Bill Hicks.

Bill Hicks got a routine kicked off Letterman. Don’t you pillocks know anything?

Anyway, Minchin claims that the broadcaster’s director of television, Peter Fincham, removed the song “because he’s scared of the ranty, shit-stirring, right-wing press, and of the small minority of Brits who believe they have a right to go through life protected from anything that challenges them in any way“. Fightin’ talk.

The track (watch it below if you can’t stand the thought of reading this article – suffice to say, it’s the usual whimsy you’d expect from a man who uses straighteners) likens Jesus to a whole bunch of stuff like Woody Allen, Derren Brown as well as lizards and zombies.

Minchin wrote on his whiny blog about it:

“It’s not a particularly original idea, I admit, but it’s quite cute. It’s certainly not very contentious, but even so, compliance people and producers and lawyers all checked my lyrics long before the cameras rolled… [Producer] Suzi and her team edited the show and everybody was happy.

“Suzi felt it had a nice balance of big-ticket celeb action, local talent, and a nice bit of that cheeky, iconoclastic spirit for which Jonathan is known and widely loved. And then someone got nervous and sent the tape to ITV’s director of television, Peter Fincham. And Peter Fincham demanded that I be cut from the show.”

Ross later Tweeted:

“Really gutted that the brilliant @timminchin song has been cut from my show. Decision was out of my hands.”

Of course, it isn’t surprising that ITV would act like massive bitches when it comes to anything involving something vaguely contentious, although, they’re pretty happy to film mentally ill celebrities and follow them around on ITV2 in fly-on-the-wall shows… so… who knows?

No-one really expects anything good from ITV, ever, do they?

An ITV spokesperson told comedy site Chortle:

‘It’s not unusual for there to be changes to the show in the edit, as we shoot more than goes out, and we felt the tone wasn’t quite right for the Christmas show. But we do think Tim’s very talented and would love him to work with him on ITV shows again in the future.’”

Five teenage boys are standing in a circle, arms locked around each others shoulders but this is no group hug.

They are all urinating into the centre.

They are ten metres away from the toilets.

Welcome to Leeds.

Another teenage boy is enjoying the comforts of a campfire.

A tent sits barely twelve inches away from the pile of burning rubbish.

“You’re brave having that so near your tent” a concerned passer-by ventures.

“It’s not my tent” comes the reply.

Yep. This is definitely Leeds alright.

This is not a festival where common sense prevails, but one where chaos reigns. It also routinely has one of the best line-ups a fan of what was once called ‘alternative rock’ but what could only be referred to now as ‘not metal’ could desire.  There are thousands of indie kids who are individually polite and considerate but as a collective are a drunken malco-ordinated tsunami of excitement. We’re only brave enough to come for one day.

Perhaps being the first band on the NME/Radio 1 stage is a prestigious slot? It’s the only to explain why Pulled Apart By Horses would be so low on the bill with the sound turned down to ‘morning’. Quiet noise-rock? Pity, since they’re one of more exciting homegrown live acts to have appeared in the last few years. We always undervalue British bands when they choose making a noise over striking a pose. We hope that’s not the case here.

Does it Offend You, Yeah? really are the perfect act for Leeds. With their anarchic attitude and childish techno-rock they provide the perfect antidote to The Blackout’s exercise in danger-free genre adherence playing simultaneously on the main stage. The kids get DIOYY in a way that suggests that they’re a critic-proof party band. On this occasion the kids are all right.

Dublin three-piece The Minutes are the first of several bands that we catch on the BBC Introducing stage. They’re another one whose sound requires more volume. Their brand of rock n’ roll would be better suited to a venue that’s wet as a result of perspiration rather than precipitation.

Employees of the hair conditioner industry aren’t the only people grateful for Bring Me the Horizon. The band earn such devotion from their fans, but presumably from their metalcore anthems rather than singer Olly Sykes genital fixation. We’ve not seen this much simulated masturbation since late ’80s Madonna.

After briefly checking out Cerebral Ballzy’s supremely energetic take on ’80s skatepunk, we catch a couple of songs from the dreamy piano-playing piece of girl-bait that is Tim Minchin before the heat of the tent gets too much.

Yes, they sound like no-one else, yes they are the thinking man’s metal band but after years of trying to like them, we’re just going to have to come clean- we find Deftones boring. Dreadfully boring.

The Vaccines remind us of so many bands that we can’t even be bothered to work out whether they’re any good. This may seem like a betrayal of journalistic responsibility but there’s only so much musical analysis we can do. If we think any more about the Vaccines we might miss the next Beatles.

It’s a good time at the moment if you like music with fuzzed-up early 90s guitar on. If you enjoyed the Yuck album, but want something more lo-fi but with a (slight) nod towards Velvets, you could do a lot worse than the Milk Maid album. There’s something pleasing about albums full of great melodies that are knowingly under produced- a reminder of how bringing joy to a few is better inspiration than redundant (and unrealistic) rock star fantasies. Live, they make it look effortless, which is not the same thing as uncaring.

Jared Leto really is a preposterous individual. I’ve never seen someone get so into rock star posturing that they can’t find the time to play any actual music, but that seems to be what passes for a performance from 30 Seconds to Mars. He invites fans on stage (a drawn-out, logistically challenging patience tester), makes long speeches about how awesome we all are, and thanks us for helping sell out their recent tour (complete with list of venues). It’s the most expensive award ceremony speech we’ve ever seen! We should point out that silly as this all is, it’s rather endearing.

My Chemical Romance are one hell of a pop band. We don’t mean that as an insult- they’ve amassed an arsenal of catchy 4 minute sing-a-long songs, and play them like a balls-out rock band. We don’t know whether we’d ever buy an album but they’re certainly welcome in a world with plenty of big-selling artists but not many worthy headliners.

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We know plenty of celebrity twits – but how about celebrity Twitterers?

The blue bird of Twitter has been soaring recently, attracting some of the biggest names in the entertainment industry to share their thoughts with the internet community. It’s not hard to understand why it’s such a big hit among the inhabitants of celeb-land – after all, it means they get a chance to talk about their favourite topic – themselves.

For those of you who have never heard of Twitter (where the hell have you been?), it’s basically the latest social messaging fad.

Of course, at hecklerspray, we do not have PR slaves at our beck and call. We also try and avoid communicating with other people as much as possible – that’s why we’re based in London. So we rely on some homeless guy called Barry to fill our fans in with the latest goings-on at Hecklerspray Towers, fed only by the stale Jaffa Cakes and half-drunk cans of flat Dr Pepper we throw his way from time to time.

It’s proved to be a big hit, with some even suggesting that it’s better than the site itself. Of course, this is, firstly, totally wrong, because on the site, well, we have pictures and stuff. It’s also highly frustrating, as we could have saved a fortune on Stu’s wages.

Anyway, as we mentioned before, some celebs – let’s call them Twits – have no such problems. They happily tell those who follow them on Twitter what they’re up to.

Well, to make things easy for you, we have decided to compile a few lists of celebrities you can follow on Twitter. What you do from thereon, is entirely up to you – but just remember who gave you the details in the first place.

This week: comedians.

30. Traci Skene
Comedian from New Jersey
http://twitter.com/traciskene
Typical tweet: “I have to get rid of my gray roots… so I’m going to kill all the old people in my family.”

29. Dominic Holland
Sometimes funny UK comic
http://twitter.com/domholland
Typical tweet: “My wife is a bit melancholy these days – body like a melon, face like a colly.”

28. Josh Sneed
US comedian
http://twitter.com/joshsneed
Typical tweet: “Wasn’t Sophia Loren just in the dead actor’s montage?”

27. Phil Jupitus
Tubby UK comic

http://twitter.com/phillipjupitus
Typical tweet: “I’m loving those monkeys, those lovely little monkeys.”

26. Linda Gambino
US comic
http://twitter.com/lindagambino
Typical tweet: “F%ck off cupid, with your stupid wings and arrows.”

25. Frankie Boyle
Very funny Scottish comedian who would be higher but has not really said anything funny yet. Come on Frankie!!
http://twitter.com/frankieboyle
Typical tweet: “Having a ganster party.”

24. Richard Herring
British comic and writer
http://twitter.com/Herring1967
Typical tweet: “Getting an Oscar might be even better if it did have shampoo inside.”

23. Tim Minchin
Odd-looking Aussie comedian

http://twitter.com/timminchin
Typical tweet: “I now have a cold. This is good, cos being on a plane with a 2yr old for 20 hours was going to be too easy. Love a challenge, esp w snot.”

22. Eric Schwartz
US comedian
http://twitter.com/ericschwartz
Typical tweet: “Did Sophia Loren win Best Actress for her role as Chewbacca?”

21. Dave Hill
American funnyman
http://twitter.com/mrdavehill
Typical tweet: “I just had a pizza party with my parents and I ate so much pizza my parents couldn’t believe it! We might have ice cream later!“

20. David Mitchell
UK comedian
http://twitter.com/RealDMitchell
Typical tweet: “Thank you so much for believing I’m the real me! I’ve double checked and I still am.”

19. John Wessling
US comic and person who came with the funniest line during the Oscars (below)
http://twitter.com/johnwessling
Typical tweet: “another monday and yet another pinched nerve in my neck…What the FUCK??? Sweet Purple Jesus! Can’t I just have one normal goddamn day?!.”

18. Dave Gorman
UK funnyman
http://twitter.com/Dave_Gorman
Typical tweet: “Not sure how far I cycled. Bethnal Green to Broxbourne/Nazeing way. And then back. Mostly following the River Lea. Any idea how far that is?“

17. Nick Thune
US comedian

http://twitter.com/nickthune
Typical tweet: “When’s the award for Brad Pitt’s Best Wife?”

16. Penn Jillette
Comic and magician
http://twitter.com/pennjillette
Typical tweet: “Best compliment at the Rio, from a guy in a cowboy hat, ‘I’ve gutted a lot of deer and you’re ‘Sawing a Woman into Halves’ was perfect’.”

15. Doug Benson
US comedian
http://twitter.com/dougbenson
Typical tweet: “Ben Kingsley and Mickey Rourke should be Bond villains. In the same movie!”

14. Danny Wallace
UK comedian who is on TV sometimes
http://twitter.com/misterwallace
Typical tweet: “Stephanie Beecham gets makeup on her feet. I did not know girls did this.”

13. Rob Brydon
Welsh comic and star of UK hit show Gavin and Stacey

http://twitter.com/RealRobBrydon
Typical tweet: “Almost ten hours of sleep, a modern day personal best!”

12. Mike Bridenstine
US comedian
http://twitter.com/brido
Typical tweet: “Ryan Seacrest interviewing Miley Cyrus is like watching shit interview diarrhea.”

13. Alan Davies
Stephen Fry sidekick and tramp biter
http://twitter.com/alandavies1
Typical tweet: “Holy smoke! ‘Go away and get yourself reconstructed’, as a drama teacher once said to me.”

12. Ian Hislop
Smug UK satirist and Tin-Tin lookalike
http://twitter.com/ianhislop
Typical tweet: “OK, everyone, I think this guy needs friends; he is from Glastonbury and not many have electricity down there, quite a feat!”

11. Alan Carr
UK funnyman with teeth like a row of dilapidated housing
http://twitter.com/AlanCarr
Typical tweet: “Regretting eating that extra portion of tenderstem broccoli, got awful wind. Nearly blew out my scented candle”

10. Russell Brand
TV presenter, ‘comedian’ and Cockney urchin
http://twitter.com/rustyrockets
Typical tweet: “I’m in bed with my cat Morrissey. He’d be furious if he knew I was writing this. He conveys affection by milking me, sans consent. Grim.”

9. Eddie Izzard
UK comic who is not as funny as he used to be (and it hurts us to say it)
http://twitter.com/EddieIzzard
Typical tweet: “Sometimes life doesn’t let you decide between cake or death.”

8. Stephen Colbert
Captain America

http://twitter.com/stephencolbert
Typical tweet: “Remember kids! In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant.”

7. John Cleese
Some bloke who was in James Bond or something
http://twitter.com/JohnCleese
Typical tweet: “Thank you everyone for the messages. Remember I am practically dead, barely functional. Your patience is appreciated. Will blog again soon”

6. Jimmy Fallon
American Comedian and TV presenter
http://twitter.com/jimmyfallon
Typical tweet: “I was never a waiter. I was a bag boy, bottle return boy and a video store clerk. Btw no disrespect to waiters. Hardest job.”

5. Bert Kreischer
US comedian
http://twitter.com/bertkreischer
Typical tweet: “Sara jessica parker’s tits are kicking goldie hawns tits in the ass.”

4. Steve Agee
US comedian
http://twitter.com/steveagee
Typical tweet: “I’d like to see Reese’s wither’d poon!”

3. John Hodgman
Daily Show contributor and generally amusing bloke
http://twitter.com/hodgman
Typical tweet: “A young child with a high fever pointed out to me that the wicked witch of the west is actually a wiccan.”

2. Tina Fey
Funny woman who Sarah Palin looks a lot like
http://twitter.com/tinafey
Typical tweet: “What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend? ‘It’s close, but it’s no cigar’.”

1. Stephen Fry
English national treasure

http://twitter.com/stephenfry
Typical tweet: “600 people went to the theatre, not to see Oliver but to compete in a paper & chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.”

Now us! Follow us! Follow us on Twitter too!