What better way to cheer yourselves up in these times of economic strife than through the knowledge that something you have nothing to do with, nor could ever hope of having anything to do with, has made a crapload of money?

There is no better way, as Harry Potter and the Half Order of the Philosopher’s Hallows has shown us all by raking in more than $100 million in its first day on release.

Puts you in the perfect mood for a weekend, doesn’t it paupers!

But can Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Ha! We do know what it’s called!) possibly rake in even more cash to make you feel even more inadequate?

Yes. That’s a stupid question.

What Potter and co. have also proved is that the unassailable Dark Knight is actually pretty assailable. While last year we all thought it would be the biggest film ever, ever, ever and make all the money in the world, we were wrong.

We forgot the market for children and adults who like to read children’s books (must… resist… urge… to… say… “idiots”…) is pretty bloody massive.

The film has proven to be something of an unexpected hit, dealing as it does with themes of abandonment and the loss of innocence, even going so far as to involve some sex trafficking…

Alright, so that’s a lie – what do you expect us to say? It’s another Harry Potter film, and once again it’s made a hell of a lot of money like everyone always knew it would. Even Daniel Radcliffe’s cock couldn’t stop it from making all the money people have left to give.

Warner Brothers studio president, Alan Horn, let this revelation slip to the BBC:

“We owe this record-breaking opening to the remarkable fans who have stood by us and who stood in line to be among the first to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”

Which must fill fans with confidence, knowing that the head of the studio has been able to make the link between people paying to see his movie and the incredible amount of money that comes their way – and therefore the ability to continue with the franchise.

It’s almost enough to make you think those in charge aren’t as dumb as they look, sound and probably smell.

Daniel Radcliffe may well be the face of Harry Potter, but he’s already made great headway towards getting away from being pigeonholed.

The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It’s a classic technique, and one we’ve surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If we have the necessary equipment, of course.

But what happens when you’re pottering about (PUN!) getting your bits out on stage around the same time that the new chapter in a kids film, in which you star, is coming out? Well, kids, Harry Potter 6 gets pushed back eight months, if the wild, rampant and ker-azy speculation is to be believed.

Yes kids – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince isn’t coming out because of Daniel Radcliffe‘s penis. That is one of the greatest sentences we’ve ever had to write, even if it isn’t actually definitely true.

It would appear to be a tale of tail that rings somewhere in the realms of believability, with the original release date for the new Potter film falling smack-dab in the middle of Radcliffe’s run on stage in Equus. Which is, of course, the stage play in which he gets his knob out and has sex.

While it probably isn’t a proper porno – we don’t want to say for definite, we haven’t seen it – it still doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that Warner Bros. would want to associate with the actor on Harry Potter‘s release. So it would make sense that this the reason why the film has been put back.

That is along, of course, with the ridiculous money-grabbing notions of the company, who clearly know they can get more money from a summertime cinema release when the kids are off school, bored and parents don’t want to be endlessly pestered so they’ll give them anything – even money for the cinema – to shut them up. The crafty studio berks.

So basically, Harry Potter fans are being shafted non-stop with all these reasons as to why they have to wait for the next installment of the kids film-cum-thing that grown idiots love. Just as there’s some horse-shafting in Daniel Radcliffe‘s play. Doesn’t it just make you angry?

At least it means the armies of insane Potter fans have somewhere tangible to aim their anger – right in the face of Radcliffe, though to be honest it’s not really his fault. But we do like to blame people, so let’s all go and burn down his house.

Actually, don’t go burn down his house. We don’t want him running naked through the streets, and that would probably push the release of the film back even further.

But, of course, the main reason for the delay is still clearly money, and it’s one that should make the most ardent fans awaiting Harry Potter 6 want to vomit fire in the faces of the studio execs that made the decision. So, yes – go and do that. That would be something funny to fill hecklerspray‘s day.