There are three types of Terminator – creepy liquid metal ones, ones that are female for no reason and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And, obviously, the only ones that matter a jot are the Arnold Schwarzenegger Terminators, because they speak a base amount of Spanish and occasionally use coffins to deflect machinegun fire. So it was with a heavy heart that we learnt that Arnold Schwarzenegger was probably too busy being a high-falluting politician to appear in the upcoming Terminator 4.

But according to Terminator 4 director McG, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be appearing in the new movie – as a half-CGI, half-human hybrid Terminator, but only if ILM gets its act together. We don’t know what part CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger will play in Terminator 4 but he’s 61 now, so he’ll probably be seen in the Terminator reject warehouse because a) his skin is too saggy and b) he looks a bit mid-life crisisy in a leather jacket.

If you ask us, the new Terminator Salvation movie isn’t going to be much cop. We basically have two reasons for this.

Firstly, Terminator 4 can’t ever compete with the majesty that is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Will Terminator 4 have a scene in it where a man gets killed because the urinal he’s using turns into a robot version of the lead singer from Garbage who rams a spike through his head? No. Case closed.

Secondly, there’s going to be no tension to the movie because Christian Bale is playing John Connor. And if Bale can treat his own clown mother in the way that he’s alleged to have done, then an endless army of indestructible murderous robots is going to be a titting cakewalk for him.

So let’s be serious – there’s only one thing that can save Terminator 4 from being dreadful, and that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. If we can’t believe that super-advanced computers from the future decided to model their killing machines on the sag-faced Austrian bloke from Jingle All The Way, then the whole movie’s flawed from the outset, frankly.

But with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s screentime dedicated solely to rubbishy tourism adverts for California these days, his involvement in Terminator Salvation wasn’t looking promising.

So we should treat the declaration that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to appear in Terminator 4 like the joyous news it is, even if he’s not really going to appear in Terminator 4 and any images of his face are going to look like they were crapped out by an Atari 2600. Totalfilm reports:

“We’re trying to synthesise a human character with a CGI character and that may or may not have something to do with the T800,” McG told us with a smile. The process isn’t without its problems, though. McG isn’t happy with ILM’s work so far… “At the moment it’s not good enough,” he said. “And we’re running out of time.”

It doesn’t look hopeful at the moment, does it? Still, there’s nothing like a tight deadline to sharpen focus, so we’re sure that Terminator 4 will have loads of CGI Arnold Schwarzeneggers coming out of its arse. And, if not, there’s always Plan B – a bunch of topless teenage boys roaming about a futuristic dystopia with black and white photocopies of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face sellotaped around their heads.

Oh, like it’d make the film any worse.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault.

The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper.

Though, let’s be honest here – he probably wouldn’t be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life – alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all.

Especially when they apparently want money from you.

Last month saw Christian Bale arrested on suspicion of assault, and while everyone went mental thinking the guy had beaten some evil-doers to death with their own shoes, we soon discovered it was allegedly for getting mad and pushing his family about a bit. Not that we condone that kind of behaviour, but it was a bit of a let-down.

He didn’t even do it in his Batman costume, allegedly.

After being released on bail, Bale bailed from the UK to get back to work. That sentence was pretty unnecessary, but hecklerspray enjoys using the same word three times in a row, so hush down.

Anyway, rumours were flung around about the reasons for the alleged assault, until it was generally accepted that the row came about over money. Being rich and all, Bale was apparently expected to give over a fair wodge of cash for his sister’s kids, simply for sharing blood ties with these people. And he allegedly wasn’t happy, so he apparently made his feelings clear with some shouting and a push.

He didn’t, as some had hoped, beat up his clown sister. In his Batman costume. While on fire. Upside down. Such a let-down, honestly.

And now, bringing this whole debacle to an end, hopefully, we are greeted with the news that the only thing that will befall Christian Bale – should he plead guilty to the alleged assault – is a caution. All this news, all this coverage, all the speculation over the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight and he’s getting told ‘don’t do it again’.

Maybe Robert Downey Jr can provoke a better reaction from the Baler after his non-too flattering comments about Batman, and we can get some genuine controversy going. A fistfight. In public. With both actors in full costume.

It’s not like Iron Man or The Dark Knight need any more publicity, it’s just that we need something exciting to happen that isn’t death, attempted murder, countries getting invaded or some crap sporting event in a country where people don’t exactly enjoy what you would call ‘freedom’. You know – just to keep us going.

Please?

Christian Bale is used to battling with bloodthirsty robots bent on world domination – he works in Hollywood after all!

So signing up to be in the new Terminator movie should be a breeze for the Batman Begins star.

Reports suggest Christian Bale is close to agreeing a deal to play ‘mankind’s saviour’ John Connor in Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, due to start filming in Budapest in April.

Directed by the ridiculously-named McG – the Charlie’s Angels helmer – the film is due to hit our screens in the summer of 2009.

Producers see the film as the first part of a trilogy that will breathe new life into the ailing franchise.

And judging by Bale’s star turn as the Dark Knight, there could yet be hope for mankind.

Read more:

Christian Bale To Star In Terminator Sequel – Reuters