Fans of the shatteringly unconvincing actor David Duchovny were yesterday reportedly distraught at the news that he has once again split from the “out of his league” actress Tea Leoni.

Details are unclear as of time of publication, but rumours of his long-reported ‘sex addiction’ are rearing their intriguing head again… which would be potentially interesting, were it not for the fact that David ‘Boring’ Duchovny – who, it is rumoured, could talk a glass eye to sleep – classes ‘sex addiction’ as ‘spaffing-off at mucky ladies on the internet’.

Duchovny, as well as being point-blank unable to act, is also unable to destroy his marriage for any interesting reason whatsoever. ‘Sex addiction’ sounds like the best addiction ever – we’ve been told that ‘sex’ is bloody brilliant and, given the chance, we’d lap it up as well. But no, his ‘sex addiction’ is limited to “addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction” according to Fox News FOUR YEARS AGO.

So, basically it’s a ‘wanking addiction’, which is the least interesting thing ever.

Which does beg the question – is Tea Leoni over-reacting a little? She can’t be the first married woman – of fourteen years – to witness her husband perform the ‘lurch of shame’ as she enters the room unexpectedly and witnesses her red-faced husband shoving Little David back in his pants whilst trying to prevent the laptop slipping off his knees and hitting the floor with a sickening crash.

Or perhaps he was at the desktop PC and she came in to notice his right shoulder violently shuddering like the washing-machine on the final spin.

This is, of course, purely speculation and as of now, no talk of divorce for utterly rubbish reasons has been mentioned. Although she’s probably bought a shed-load of wet-wipes and is eyeing the iPad2 with suspicion.

Reports that Tea Leoni is actually leaving due to the massive disappointment that Duchovny’s absurd nose is not in fact a latex prosthetic that she could tear-off Mission Impossible-style to reveal a conventionally handsome man are unconfirmed.

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One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage – so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today.

Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”

This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.

Women don’t appreciate anything, do they? Buy them underwear and they’ll tell you that crotchless PVC is actually quite uncomfortable. Buy them flowers and they’ll accuse you of knowing that they have a deadly pollen allergy. Go to sex addiction rehab to stop your uncontrollable feelings of arousal and they’ll leave you.

The latter is the exact scenario that David Duchovny finds himself in today. Either because he does nothing but wank all day or because he occasionally has extramarital sex, David Duchovny last month checked himself into sex addiction rehab to try and save his marriage. Did it work?

No. No it didn’t. Realising that even a cured sex addict is probably only one bumpy bus journey away from a disgusting globby relapse, Tea Leoni has done the sensible thing and ditched David Duchovny. A joint statement from the couple reads:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months. The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

Several months? At least now we know why David Duchovny might have gone to sex addiction rehab in the first place – we’re presuming that it was either as a last-ditch effort to win his estranged wife back, or it was because he was single and he realised that the best place to find a string of sexual partners with suitably low self-esteem was at a live-in sex addiction treatment clinic.

Either way, we maintain that this split is the best solution for everyone. David Duchovny can now act upon the raging mid-life crisis that he’s obviously in the throes of, and Tea Leoni can go and find a new man who’ll never put her through the same trauma. So a eunuch or something. We don’t really know how this works.

By the way, we should probably just clear one thing up. Given that David Duchovny went to sex addiction rehab at roughly the same time that his marriage imploded, you’d be forgiven for thinking that his sex addiction was the cause for the break-up of his marriage to Tea Leoni. It wasn’t.

Instead Tea Leoni left him because she thought The X-Files: I Want To Believe was crap. Well, you would too, wouldn’t you.

Fact – when a man admits to a sex addiction, it’s because his wife caught him half a foot up another woman and he’s trying to appease her.

Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…

Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.

OK, now we feel bad. Last week, when we reported that David Duchovny was a sex addict, we took precisely the wrong tone with him. You see, we assumed that David Duchovny was addicted to having sex with loads of different women. Sadly that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Reports are now suggesting that David Duchovny has always managed to remain faithful to his wife Tea Leoni. Like this one, from Fox News:

Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.

Yes, that’s right – David Duchovny has all the guilt and earache of a sex addict, but none of the spine-tingling pleasure that comes from having the promiscuous sexual appetite of a voracious sex addict. In short, David Duchovny genuinely couldn’t have it any worse than he has now.

Plus, just for good luck, now the whole world knows what a dirty little bastard David Duchovny really is. Dirty boy, David Duchovny. Dirty boy. I Want To Believe? I Want To Believe You’re Not Secretly Tugging Yourself Off Everytime You Put Your Hands In Your Pockets, more like. Dirty boy. Urgh.

Anyway, what the Fox reports implies is that David Duchovny has an addiction to internet porn. If this is true then that’s even more tragic – rather than a sex addiction, Duchovny has an addiction to looking at some jiggly pixels shaped liked tits and then joylessly wiping the manmuck off his belly with a Kleenex a couple of minutes afterwards. That’s much less fun – and think of his carbon footprint, too.

If any of this sounds familiar then it’s probably because of Christie Brinkley‘s ex-husband Peter Cook, who was found to spend $3,000 a month on internet porn. Maybe David Duchovny and Peter Cook should meet up, because they’d probably be able to provide help and support to each other during their difficult recoveries.

Or they’d just spend hours discussing whether it’s better to jizz in your pants to a video of lesbian Asian schoolgirls or a live webcam of a pregnant midget fingering herself. Either way, they should probably avoid shaking hands with each other first time they meet.

But, no, maybe it’s best that David Duchovny continues with his traditional sex addiction rehab course. We’re not sure what that entails, obviously – we’re assuming a burly nurse with an electric cattle prod waggles some copies of Hot Jug Housewives around and dares you to have a wank, but that’s just a guess.

Dirty boy, Duchovny. Urgh.