Fans of the shatteringly unconvincing actor David Duchovny were yesterday reportedly distraught at the news that he has once again split from the ?out of his league? actress Tea Leoni.
Details are unclear as of time of publication, but rumours of his long-reported ?sex addiction? are rearing their intriguing head again… which would be potentially interesting, were it not for the fact that David ?Boring? Duchovny ? who, it is rumoured, could talk a glass eye to sleep ? classes ?sex addiction? as ?spaffing-off at mucky ladies on the internet?.
Duchovny, as well as being point-blank unable to act, is also unable to destroy his marriage for any interesting reason whatsoever. ?Sex addiction? sounds like the best addiction ever ? we've been told that ?sex? is bloody brilliant and, given the chance, we?d lap it up as well. But no, his ?sex addiction? is limited to ?addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It's the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction? according to Fox News FOUR YEARS AGO.
So, basically it's a ?wanking addiction?, which is the least interesting thing ever.
Which does beg the question ? is Tea Leoni over-reacting a little? She can't be the first married woman ? of fourteen years ? to witness her husband perform the ?lurch of shame? as she enters the room unexpectedly and witnesses her red-faced husband shoving Little David back in his pants whilst trying to prevent the laptop slipping off his knees and hitting the floor with a sickening crash.
Or perhaps he was at the desktop PC and she came in to notice his right shoulder violently shuddering like the washing-machine on the final spin.
This is, of course, purely speculation and as of now, no talk of divorce for utterly rubbish reasons has been mentioned. Although she's probably bought a shed-load of wet-wipes and is eyeing the iPad2 with suspicion.
Reports that Tea Leoni is actually leaving due to the massive disappointment that Duchovny?s absurd nose is not in fact a latex prosthetic that she could tear-off Mission Impossible-style to reveal a conventionally handsome man are unconfirmed.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!
Absurd says
People, they’ve been divorced for almost two years!!! Their marriage was a shame from the beginning.
Boomer says
Which came first, the problem or the stlouion? Luckily it doesn’t matter.