Fans of the shatteringly unconvincing actor David Duchovny were yesterday reportedly distraught at the news that he has once again split from the “out of his league” actress Tea Leoni.
Details are unclear as of time of publication, but rumours of his long-reported ‘sex addiction’ are rearing their intriguing head again… which would be potentially interesting, were it not for the fact that David ‘Boring’ Duchovny – who, it is rumoured, could talk a glass eye to sleep – classes ‘sex addiction’ as ‘spaffing-off at mucky ladies on the internet’.
Duchovny, as well as being point-blank unable to act, is also unable to destroy his marriage for any interesting reason whatsoever. ‘Sex addiction’ sounds like the best addiction ever – we’ve been told that ‘sex’ is bloody brilliant and, given the chance, we’d lap it up as well. But no, his ‘sex addiction’ is limited to “addiction to pornography, probably on the Internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction” according to Fox News FOUR YEARS AGO.
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One of the biggest impediments to being a froth-faced sex addict is probably marriage – so congratulations are due to David Duchovny today.
Why? Because it’s been announced that sex addict David Duchovny and his wife Tea Leoni have separated, and have been separated for months. Phew! Now, when David Duchovny has you pushed into a corner with a hand down his knickers and a tongue that he’s trying to ram all the way inside your ear, you won’t have to think “Wait a minute, aren’t you married to the woman from Jurassic Park 3? What will she make of all this?”
This separation is obviously the best thing for all involved – David Duchovny gets to lead the free and easy single life that he craves, Tea Leoni won’t have to worry that her husband has strayed and their children will no longer fear stumbling across their father masturbating frantically to a coffee stain shaped a bit like a bra. Everyone’s a winner.
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Fact – when a man admits to a sex addiction, it’s because his wife caught him half a foot up another woman and he’s trying to appease her.
Unless, it appears, you’re David Duchovny. Although he’s currently being treated for sex addiction in what we expect to be the stickiest, smelliest rehab facility in the world, a friend of David Duchovny has come forward to point out that at no point did David ever cheat on his wife with another woman. That means, scientifically, that either David Duchovny did a bunch of rude things with vegetables or… or…
Or David Duchovny is addicted to having sex with his own wife. The bloody pervert. Castration’s too good for him. David Duchovny, you’re a big fat embarrassment to mankind.
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