Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

This has all come about after some bozos decided to run a bunch of stories saying that she was absolutely getting hammered at a SAG Awards after party this weekend.

Do these fools not know that, if you make claims like that about someone who can’t enjoy drink or drugs anymore, the thing they’ll replace it with is a will to sue?

And that’s exactly what’s happening. LiLo is threatening to sue the media outlets that published the story in the first place.

A source close to the actress tells TMZ that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. And her liver.

Of course, she was at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night, but alas, she was sitting with Alan Cummings which makes a difference for some reason. Maybe he dry-heaves at the sight of women drinking pints? Maybe he’s so enchanting that no-one ever drinks in his presence because they can’t tear themselves away from his rapier wit?

WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

Lindsay is also cheesed off that reports suggested that she made-out with Dennis Hopper’s son Henry. Where did this apparently take place? In a petrol station. Lovely stuff.

Sadly, as much as we want that to be true, she’s saying it isn’t.

Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.

Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.

So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.

Nubia, who has (thus far) the best name of 2012, is suing Lohan, claiming that she was hit by the actress’ car during an incident in September 2010.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (sorry, we just love saying her name) alleges she was struck by the Mean Girl’s Maserati while innocently walking through a West Hollywood intersection. Preza’s lawsuit states she has suffered “disabling and serious personal injuries, pain, suffering and anguish” and that she is seeking damages for all her medical expenses and lost time at work.

Alas, Lindsay is refusing to comment on the case. Not that we’ve tried to contact her. We’re assuming other people have.

Of course, this isn’t the only vehicular trouble Lindsay is facing. In what is one of the oddest celebrity lawsuits, some idiot paparazzi photographer called Grigor Baylan is taking legal action against Lohan after he was run over by her car, even though the actress wasn’t even driving it.

Apparently (and this is according to the photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, who is as trustworthy as any other human who decides what’s morally right based completely on payment), Lohan is being targeted because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

It’s great to have you back Lindsay. If you wouldn’t mind getting hooked on really lousy, cheap drugs this year, that’d be perfect.

When Brittany Murphy died, everyone just assumed that she’d gone overboard on the ol’ drugs. That’s what famous young people do, right? They hammer it too much and their famous hearts just give up.

Alas, it would appear that Brittany died of Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia.

And now, oddly, Brittany Murphy’s dad, Angelo Bertolotti, isn’t happy about the result and is suing the Los Angeles County Coroner’s Office because he’d like to do his own tests. What was he hoping for? Something more decadent or glamorous?

Angelo wants access to his late daughter’s hair samples so he can conduct his own testing after disagreeing with the official cause of her death.

Radar Online report that Angelo states in court documents:

“Plaintiff discussed the findings in the Autopsy Report which attributed his daughter’s death to Community-Acquired Pneumonia and Iron Deficiency Anemia. Plaintiff repeatedly voiced his concerns about these findings as being incorrect, since the testing/toxicology was incomplete and the death of Brittany Anne Murphy Monjak was never fully investigated”.

Of course, the whole story that surrounds this is pretty grim.

Brittany died around Christmas some years ago and then, to make matters grimmer, her husband Simon died too, after her mum, Sharon, found him unresponsive.

Simon also died from Pneumonia and Anemia.

Now, Angelo now wants a judge to order the LA County coroner to help him in his case to carry out further testing… presumably with an independent scientist, rather than some home science kit he’s got from the catalogue.

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Every artist on the planet is a shameless thief. They’re all magpies, walking around and taking whatever they want without a care in the world. And that’s fine, because that’s always been the case and everyone loves music, film or whatever.

However, what no-one likes is a pointless snitch. Someone who yells ‘HEY! I had that idea before that other, more famous person had that very common notion! I think I’ll sue!‘

And the latest rapsnitch is some buffoon called Vincent Rogers who has tried to sue Kanye West over his song, ‘Stronger’.

Vincent has said that ‘Ye plagiarised one of his songs. Basically, Rogers is claiming that he came up with the idea of being stronger. That’s what it looks like from here anyway.

However, West was keen to point out that he wasn’t stealing from some guy no-one has heard of, but rather, stealing from someone massively famous – Friedrich Nietzsche. In particular, Kanye looked at the German philosopher’s quote:

“That which does not kill us make stronger”.

Yes Kanye. We get it. You’re into really high-brow stuff these days. It’s okay. You don’t have to impress us with your poetry and philosophy 101 books on your Kindle anymore.

West was originally sued in 2010 because Mr No-One Has Heard Of You alleged that he gave a copy of his track to Kanye’s manager, John Monopoly, who passed it onto West.

A federal judge, weary of timewasters, dismissed the claim earlier in the year, but the whole thing just isn’t going away.

West’s lawyer, Carrie Hall said:

“It would create a dangerously low threshold for establishing copyright protection over otherwise commonplace words and phrases”.

Next week: Unknown rapper sues Earth because sunshine was his idea.

If only R Kelly had a bunch of events in his life that we could hang some jokes on. We’ve been wracking our brains here and can’t really think of anything that he’s done which we can mock, apart from some of his desperately awful records, that In The Closet lark and the fact it appears that he likes having sex with minors.

Wait! He liked hanging around with Michael Jackson didn’t he? That’s pretty funny isn’t it, because Michael Jackson had a face like a haunted hamstring by the time he died. There must be some correlation between R Kelly’s fondness for minors, allegations made against Jackson and, of course, our penchant for the most obvious jokes in the world.

But before all that, R. Kelly won’t be singing shit as he’s had to have some emergency throat surgery which means he won’t be performing for an indefinite period. Real talk. Or… y’know… No talk.

Anyway, R Kelly (real name Percival Eugene Derek Oswaldtwistle) noted that his throat was, to use his vernacular ‘fucking ragging him’, and so, was whisked off to a Chicago hospital where an abscess on one of his tonsils was drained, according to a statement from spokesman Allan Mayer, who was dry-heaving at the time, thinking about pus being drained from someone’s neck.

This, of course, means he’s mercifully out of action for the foreseeable future, although, this poses two problems. Firstly, it isn’t hard to imagine that Kelly thinks he knows better than the doctors that treated him and will promptly go about recording a new LP, despite the fact he’ll sound like Tom Waits.

Secondly, when R gets bored, his mind starts to wander… and when his mind starts to wander, we end up with a scenario where police end up finding dodgy video tapes wrapped up in towels which imply that he may have been following in Michael Jackson’s footsteps and fiddling around inside some underage fan, starstruck and covered in jizz.

Now read this recent tweet of his.

“I feel like my throat is coming back. I’ve been in bed sweating like crazy. Thanks guys.”

Brrr.

Recently court documents have shown that R is a year behind on mortgage payments for his multimillion-dollar mansion in suburban Chicago, which means he’ll be back doing stuff really soon. Hilariously unaware stuff like this with any luck…

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R Kelly is being sued by former manager Jeff Kwatinetz for over $1 million. While that’s all very interesting and we’ll mention it later in the article, this is obviously not the reason we’re running the story. Clearly, we want to make jokes about R Kelly and sex with minors.

Of course, Kelly hasn’t ever been to prison or anything like that, so we can’t say he’s properly guilty of it. However, we can join the scrum and snicker about the rumours. And for those thinking we’re being racist, we’d do the same if Woody Allen was in the news more often (c’mon! You don’t think his relationship with Soon-Yi is weird as shit?).

Alas, we’re looking at R Kelly.

So, Kwatinetz reckons he played a massive part in resurrecting Kelly’s career. He claims that the ‘Ignition’ singer agreed to pay 15% him commission and, of course, he’s failed to do so. That’s why they’re going to court, dummy.

Kwatinez is saying that Kelly’s business manager said that The Kwat (we invented a nickname for him) wouldn’t get paid “because the monies were needed for payments to avoid lawsuits and adverse publicity resulting from Kelly’s alleged [sexual misconduct].”

Which allows us, under the guise of giving you the back story, the chance to bring all that sex business back up.

See, Kelly started off getting bothered by the law in the usual hip hop manner, getting into a fight, which saw the victim needing 110 facial stitches… which is horrible and impressive. Then, things went a bit Michael Jackson when a video surfaced which claimed to feature R Kelly doing the sex with an underage girl.

Kelly denied that he was the man in the video, but he was still indicted in Chicago on 21 counts of having sex with a minor, which were later reduced to soliciting a minor for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven counts of producing child pornography.

Maybe it was all one big misunderstanding? Well… in 2003, he got his ass arrested again on child pornography charges after the police found pictures of an underage girl as well as a video of Kelly having sex with an underage girl on a digital camera.

He’s not a man to be fucked with, clearly. Especially if you’re ten. ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY.

Anyway, R Kelly isn’t taking this chat from Kwatman.

A spokesman for the artist says:

“Jeff Kwatinetz’s complaint is a collection of half-truths, distortions, and outright fabrications. Mr. Kwatinetz is a disgruntled former manager who apparently feels the need to try to seek retribution for his discharge.”

No date has been set for the trial as yet, but we’re betting that Kelly stalls court again with yet another burst appendix excuse.

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Tyra Banks is a very talented woman. She’s able to smile with her eyes, which is great, but she’s also able to grimace with her ear-holes and frown with her arse. What an amazing human being she is.

And now, she’s also obtained the skill of being sued by the mother of a 15-year-old sex addict. Whack that on the curriculum vitae.

That’s right dearest reader, Tyra Banks and Warner Bros Entertainment are being sued for $3m over allegations that a 15-year-old self-confessed sex addict appeared on The Tyra Show without her mother’s consent. What? Did you expect this to be a tale about a child humping a former supermodel’s back? You sick shits.

Beverly McClendon is claiming that her daughter, Jewel Ciera, was flown to New York in November 2009 behind her back after replying to a casting call.

As a result of this (presumably she’s only just finished a two-year shouting bout with her ‘wayward’ daughter) the angry mother has filed a lawsuit against Warner Bros Entertainment, Tyra Banks and the executive producers of the chatshow.

She’s arguing that under labour laws in her home state of Georgia, producers should have sought parental consent for her daughter to fly to New York, stay alone in a hotel room and appear on television.

She’s also probably worried that her sex-addicted daughter was dry-humping the remote control in her hotel room while French kissing a shower-cap or something (shower caps are proper slags y’know?).

The suit argues that the show was ‘undoubtedly watched by sexual deviants, perverts and paedophiles alike’. Or, reading between the lines, watched by people jacking off to a child talking about how much their genitals have been getting.

Sadly, if it only takes the mere mention of a child and their sexual exploits to arouse a pervert, then really, the mother should sue her own lawsuit as well.

Anyway, the mother is seeking compensatory damages of $1m, punitive damages of $2m and an injunction against further distribution of her child’s TV appearance.

It’s probably a good idea that no-one tells the mother about this thing called ‘the internet’ eh?

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The first time Lindsay Lohan was ever accused of stealing, it was by an unattractive female DJ who then pretended she couldn’t find her heart.

The next time she was accused of stealing it was by the Mexican government – who claimed they couldn’t find Monterrey or three of its suburbs after she stayed there for a long weekend.

The third time she was accused of stealing, allegations included allusions to corporate espionage and reports of illicit Hollywood spray tans.

That last one - it’s unfolding even as we speak.

When Lindsay Lohan isn’t taping two different roles for Disney movie sequels about legalising identical twin incest (or something), she likes to dress in black, sneak into Coca Cola headquarters after hours and rummage through file cabinets looking for that stupid syrup recipe. We’ve heard that once she finds it she just wants to add something that’ll make it a little more egg-noggy.

“Because every day would taste like Christmas,” that’s what we heard she always says. It’s ridiculous, really.

Actually, Lohan probably hasn’t ever really broken into Coke headquarters – but that’s not to say she hasn’t had her skinny little hands in other sorts of corporate thievery. For instance, the Daily News says this:

“[Lohan] is being sued by a St. Petersburg, Fla., chemist for stealing the formula for her sunless tanning spray. Jennifer Sunday filed the lawsuit in Tampa, Fla. Federal court against Lohan and Lorit Simon, a Las Vegas businesswoman who air-brush tans celebrities and partnered up with Lohan to produce Sevin Nyne. Lilo and Simon claim credit for creating the tanning spray over the last three years. But Sunday’s attorney, Marcia Cohen, insists her client only recently perfected the formula used in the spray tan. According to the St. Petersburg Times, Sunday is suing Lohan, Simon, and Simon’s company for breach of contract, theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, intentional interference with contractual relations and deceptive and unfair trade practices.”

Well that sounds downright serious. Don’t worry though. We have a feeling that if deciding who actually invented the spray tan gets all the way to court, Lindsay will be able to supply several stained lab coats and cracked protective eye-wear as solid evidence that she was extremely hands-on since day one. Also we’re pretty sure Nostradamus mentioned something about Lohan’s fake tannery several years ago. It’s in the book of Nostradamus Genesis we think. Chapter 3.

If the Lohan lawyer gets a chance to say any of that in court, he really probably should. After all, several needy Hollywood complexions are at stake here. Can you imagine having to watch a Twilight sequel where the actors are even whiter?

Get your nozzles ready Lilo, your services are required.

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It’s no secret that everybody wants a piece of Michael Jackson – granted the pieces people generally envision themselves having are little chunks of nose in a sandwich bag or the darker skin he used to always wear in the 80s. The latter we think would look great spread out in front of our gas-powered fireplace.

But not everybody aims to have Jackson’s skin stored somewhere in their house. No – some people would rather have his money. Take his old PR rep for instance – she’s currently suing him for 44 million dollars.

Just when Michael Jackson catches a break and finds out several governments around the world are no longer intending to force a public auction of everything he has ever owned (or whatever), he finds out that the only person he has ever actually liked is throwing $44 million onto the pile of lawsuits already raging against him.

Right when his lungs started working properly again, too.

We actually don’t know if Jackson really liked Raymone Bain – but she sure thinks he did. At least enough to contemplate for a millisecond actually paying her that much money in a court ordered lump sum. $44 million is a lot of dough you know. Sure – you may think it’s not a big deal for Jacko since his under-age son is about to become an indentured singing sensation, but it would still take an awfully long time to stockpile that sort of loot.

We’ll let TMZ break everything down for you:

“We just got our hands on the lawsuit filed by Raymone Bain, Michael Jackson‘s longtime publicist. This is the best …she’s suing for $44,000,000, plus attorney’s fees…In all fairness, Bain claims she ran every single aspect of Jackson’s life … which raises the question, shouldn’t he be able to sue her? Bain says she arranged his housing, paid his bills, ran his companies [into the ground?], saved him from foreclosure, and on and on.”

This probably sounds like a pretty unfortunate situation for ol’ Mikey – that is until you realize it presents him with a rare opportunity. Think about it – Bain says she did absolutely everything for him. Sure, it’d be pretty expensive, but this is a chance for him to lay the blame for Invincible squarely on somebody else’s shoulders.

If he plays his cards right he could settle out of court, dust himself off and return to a musical legacy that’s back to only being semi-tarnished.

You didn’t forget about Dangerous, did you?

You seem angry. You did forget about Dangerous.

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This is just a hunch, but we get the feeling that Prince smells like a mixture of hair lacquer, stale jism and very old ladies.

And we don’t know about you, but that’s a smell we’d love to imitate – that way people might think we’re a tiny androgynous control freak with no real sense of quality control, too. Oh, why can’t Prince ever get around to creating his own perfume? Why?

What’s that? Prince did create his own perfume last year? But it didn’t really sell because Prince refused to promote it? And now the makers of the perfume are suing Prince because they’re unhappy with his lack of cooperation? Oh. You do realise that we were only joking back there, don’t you? We don’t really want to smell like Prince. That’d be quite creepy. Who’d want to do that?

Prince, as we all know, is a creative polymath. He can sing, he can dance, he’s one of the best guitar players on Earth, he can make good films, he can make really shit films, he can make hit singles, he can make album after album of suffocatingly indulgent wank that’d even test the patience of his biggest fans, he can even eat vegetables convincingly. There is nothing that Prince can’t do.

Except sell perfume. Prince quite clearly can’t sell perfume.

Although the celebrity perfume market is already uncomfortably full – with people being able to smell like anyone from Kerry Katona to Sarah Jessica Parker to Paris Hilton provided they’ve a) got more money than sense and b) taken quite a sharp blow to the head – in 2006 some bright spark at perfume company Revelations decided that what the world really needed was a scent based on the world’s smallest, creepiest, most polarising 1980s hasbeen. And, since Mick Hucknall couldn’t be contacted in time, they decided to make a Prince perfume instead.

It was all set – the perfume was made, a suitably wonky-looking bottle was created, it was given the name 3121 after Prince’s current account PIN number – and then Revelations made their first mistake. They expected that Prince would help out with the marketing.

Now Revelations is claiming that Prince didn’t do any of this, and that’s why he’s being sued for $100,000 in a breach of contract lawsuit, as Reuters reports:

“Since July 2007, despite repeated attempts by Revelations there have been virtually no communications from anyone who could commit to or coordinate any promotional efforts by Prince,” the breach of contract lawsuit said.

If these claims hold any truth, it’s not particularly surprising. Prince is a law unto himself and whatever he wants to do – like partially demolishing some rented accommodation or demanding that all YouTube videos featuring babies dancing to songs are removed or doing a greatest hits concert and then playing a titting Foo Fighters song instead of, say, Raspberry Beret – then that’s just what he’ll do.

However, we get the feeling that even if Prince had decided to dedicate his entire life to promoting the 3121 perfume, it still wouldn’t have been a success. After all, everyone knows that anything baring Prince’s name that was created after 1988 smells like a dead dog’s arse, right?

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Michael Jackson’s friendships always fail – usually they’re soured by an unproved accusation of molestation or something.

But at other times Michael Jackson falls out with people because he goes to live with them and then doesn’t pay his way. That’s the case with Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain, who’s suing Michael Jackson for taking an advance on a recording contract and not seeing it through, amongst other things.

Apparently Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa paid Michael Jackson a $7 million advance for his participation in a joint recording project that never happened. Some observers are claiming that this lawsuit could spell financial ruin for Michael Jackson. However, given that the alternative is the release of an album of duets by Michael Jackson and a rapping sheikh, that’s something we’d be absolutely happy to live with.

If we were Michael Jackson, this week would be the worst week of our lives. Just a few days ago Michael Jackson lost his beloved Neverland ranch and now he’s being sued by a vengeful sheikh for millions of dollars. That’s a double combo of misery that not many could take.

However – simply because no children have accused him of wanking them off and no large chunks of his face have plopped off into his soup during dinner – this actually counts as a fairly decent week for Michael Jackson. Oh Michael Jackson, you’re such a glass half full kinda guy.

But, anyway, that doesn’t detract from the fact that Michael Jackson is being sued by Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa of Bahrain. Remember Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa? Of course you do – he’s the man who Michael Jackson hightailed it to after he was acquitted of child molestation. He put Michael Jackson up in Bahrain while Jackson decided to make his comeback by recording an album with the sheikh.

Somewhat predictably, the deal fell through a few months later and Michael Jackson hightailed it out of Bahrain just as fast as he’d gone there. Which would be fine, except that Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa says he paid Michael Jackson $7 million for the album, and he’s suing Jackson to get it back. AP reports:

Al Khalifa wanted to work with Jackson on rebuilding his career. To that end, the sheikh spent millions paying Jackson’s legal fees, moving him to Bahrain and supporting Jackson, his family and entourage. The expenses included $350,000 for a European vacation for Jackson and his associates. “The cost even included the expenses of bringing out Mr. Jackson’s hairdresser. It’s not a conventional commercial dispute.”

Now, this isn’t the first time that Michael Jackson has been sued before, and we think we know the deal here – Michael Jackson will stall for as long as he can and then an arrangement will be made that involves about 15 oddly-named umbrella finance firms which are all subsidiaries of one another who’ll shunt Michael Jackson’s debt around with such confusing frequency that it’d even make Carol Vorderman lose all semblance of bowel control.

Or Michael Jackson could win the lawsuit, which could happen. Or, worst case scenario, Michael Jackson could agree to pay the $7 million outright. And that’s a lot of handshakes.

Really, though, we’re just disappointed that Michael Jackson didn’t make the album he’s accused of bailing on. After all, who wouldn’t want to hear the fruits of a recording session between Michael Jackson and an obscenely wealthy Middle Eastern sheikh who fancies himself as a bit of an amateur songwriter and performer?

But sadly it didn’t happen, and so we’re left with only dreams of what could have been. Those dreams, incidentally, include the release of the following songs:

Hippy Hippy Sheikh

Sheikh Down

Sheikh A Leg

Sheikh Your Groove Thing

Sheikh That Ass

Sheikh Appeal

Chicken Sheikh

Sheikh Dog Sheikh

Boom! Sheikh The Room

OK, we’re just going to go and kill ourselves now.

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You rarely see paparazzi pictures of Keanu Reeves, and that’s because the paparazzi are terrified of Keanu Reeves squishing them into liquid with his car.

Or it’s because Keanu Reeves is quite private and stuff. One or the other. But photographer Alison Silva probably thinks it’s the first one, because he’s suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly hitting him with his car last year, causing career-threatening injuries to his wrist which, coupled with the fact that he’s got a girl’s name, must have really ticked him off.

But yesterday Keanu Reeves showed up in court to spread some of the trademark Keanu Reeves moviestar razzle dazzle around and convince everyone otherwise. Sadly, the Keanu Reeves version of razzle dazzle involves standing around looking blank-faced and a bit confused and occasionally saying “woah.” We aren’t anticipating a good outcome for him.

There’s a deeply complex relationship between celebrities and the paparazzi. On the one hand the paparazzi financially gain from essentially endorsing the lumbering self-worth of the celebrities they follow and the result in beneficial to everyone. But on the other hand, sometimes Pierce Brosnan will thump a photographer in a car park.

It’s not just Pierce Brosnan, though – every now and again Kanye West will get angry and shove some photographers around too, or maybe Matthew McConaughey will get his surfer mates to rough them up a bit. Or, you know, Keanu Reeves could run them over or something.

Or not, because there’s a chance that Keanu Reeves doesn’t run photographers over. But that hasn’t stopped paparazzo Alison Silva from claiming that he did. Last March it was reported that Keanu Reeves bumped into Silva with his Porsche, and now Silva has sued Keanu for all the injuries and whatnot he gained from slowly falling to the floor in front of a barely-moving vehicle.

The upside of this is that Keanu Reeves got to go to court yesterday to refute Alison Silva’s claims, and it was a rare chance to see Keanu Reeves saying some words that he’d thought up himself, and that therefore didn’t obviously confuse him the instant they came out of his mouth. E! Online reports:

Under cross-examination, Silva’s lawyer, Joseph Farzam, tried to nail down the Matrix man on whether he really made an effort to avoid hitting Silva, asking Reeves if he used his horn or hand signals to get Silva to move. “He was in front of a starting car,” Reeves replied. “It’s common sense to me.”

Keanu’s argument seems to be that Alison Silva was walking backwards while trying to take pictures when he tripped and fell of his own accord. It might have happened. It might not have happened. Frankly that’s not for us to decide – and a good job too, because if it was then we’d probably try sawing our own legs off as a protest to the futility of our own lives.

But we hope that Keanu Reeves is telling the truth. Not because we trust and respect him as an actor and as a human being, but because we’re scared that if he loses this lawsuit he’ll make another Matrix film to recoup his lost money. Because, if the quality pattern of Matrix movies holds, The Matrix 4 will be so bad that watching it will feel like you’re being slapped with the guts of an infected Ebola monkey. So fingers crossed that doesn’t happen.

Terrence Howard is getting sued for a gigantic chunk of change by a music composer that says Howard assaulted him like a year ago or something.

The Iron Man star is totally getting sued by a guy that claims to have been on the knuckle end of an encounter with him last winter.

Terrence Howard is getting sued by music composer Andrew “Tex” Allen for five million dollars, which is ironic because that’s the exact amount Howard was gonna get for Iron Man II. Talk about coincidence.

Howard and Allen were both working on a Broadway play called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which, as we understand it, revolves around a very poor family that makes a fortune selling feline bacon cooked in an ‘out of the box’ sort of way. We don’t have the recipe.

Anyhow – both men worked on the musical. Allen was sitting innocently at the piano playing a song about rainbows and butterflies one day when Howard allegedly stormed in with one fist taped to a wet sponge, and the other to an open packet of delicious Pop Rocks candy.

Then, alternating fists,  Howard began hand-bashing the musician in the head and face. We hear the whole encounter was apparently very sticky and loud.

Then, to finish him off once and for all, Howard gave the most awesome round-house kick anybody has ever seen. Can you believe it?

Our details were exaggerated where necessary. The New York Post’s aren’t though:

“The suit alleges that Howard confronted Allen while he sat at the piano at around 2:30 p.m. during a Jan. 24 rehearsal at the Walter Kerr Theatre and punched him repeatedly in the face and head. The suit does not divulge the reason for the fight.”

Allen, the wounded victim, states his music-playing ability has been ruined forever due to the assault.

All we can say is this – Good thing Howard didn’t already have access to the War Machine suit his former character is rumored to play in Iron Man II.

Imagine if all those face punches were thrown with metal-covered, hydraulic powered fists and backed up with sleek-looking shoulder torpedoes?

Why, had that been the case, Allen’s next musical performance would probably have been for the likes of St. Peter, Joan of Arc, and possibly a resurrected, nicer version of the giant, town-eating monster that got blown up in the end of Cloverfield.

Yes, that’s how Cloverfield ended. Now you have one less reason to see it.

Older readers, if they cast their minds right back, may remember a time when Lindsay Lohan was, you know, interesting.

Really interesting, too – there wasn’t any of this ‘occasional blogging about her implied lesbianism’ malarkey going on back then. Because, back then, Lindsay Lohan could hardly go a day without getting hammered on one substance or another and driving around all over the place like a cackling bug-eyed lunatic until she was arrested. It was fun.

But if you can’t remember that, you soon will – because some peripheral characters from one of these bug-eyed driving encounters have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for causing them ‘surprise, shock, fear and panic’. Well, hey, we’ve seen the trailer for I Know Who Killed Me – and if fear and panic are legitimate reasons for suing Lindsay Lohan, then we’ll just go and put a downpayment on that hillside mansion right now.

What exactly is Lindsay Lohan famous for these days? It’s certainly not being an actress. Is it occasionally holding a boyish girl’s hand? Her thundering political wisdom? Whatever it is, it’s rubbish.

The new Lindsay Lohan isn’t a patch on the constantly-shitfaced troublemaker that was the old Lindsay Lohan. In fact, thanks to Living Lohan and her dad’s reaction to it, it’s safe to say that Lindsay Lohan isn’t even in the top three most objectionable people in the Lohan family any more. True, it’s quite a hard family to crack – Mugabe would be hard-pressed to make the top five – but, come on, this is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about. We expect more.

But, since Lindsay Lohan seems determined to continue down this dreary path towards cable-subscription erotic thriller career oblivion, Lindsay Lohan’s past has no option but to come back to take the slack a bit. How does it plan to do that? Only by cajoling some guest-stars in one of history’s most iconic Lohan meltdown moments to rear up and hit Lindsay Lohan with a gigantic lawsuit, that’s how.

Remember the last time that Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI? When she jumped into a car with her pockets full of cocaine, told the passengers “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” and chased a car full of terrified women around town until the police were called? Well, even though that happened over a year ago, those passengers have decided to sue Lindsay Lohan for it. E! Online reports:

“As it became clear what Lohan intended, the startled and fearful passengers cried for their lives,” the suit states… [plaintiffs] Blake, Sutter and Nigre are seeking at least $50,000 in damages to cover negligence, assault, battery, false imprisonment, intentional infliction of emotional distress, conversion, trespass and slander.

This isn’t the first time the passengers have tried to sue Lindsay Lohan – there was talk of a lawsuit right after the arrest – but this time it looks as though they mean business. Or at least they would if Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers were taking it seriously. This is genuinely what lawyer Ed McPherson said in response to the lawsuit:

“If this was truly the ‘worst night’ of their summer, and not their best night, one has to wonder why they didn’t just get out of the car during the many opportunities they had to do so.”

Wow. Maybe he’s right, though. Maybe being driven around at terrifying speeds by a shitfaced Lindsay Lohan really did constitute the best night of those passengers’ summer. You can’t help feeling, though, that if that was true, those boys must have had a really shitty summer.

What was their second best night? The night that one of them had their eyed pected out by a rabid owl? The night that one of them fell out of a helicopter into a skip full of dirty HIV needles? The night that they all went to see Georgia Rule at the cinema?

No, we’ve gone too far.