To clarify our oddly-worded defence of Sienna Miller – she has been downgraded in the US media to ‘Less Promiscuous Than The New York Times Thought’.

We don’t hate Sienna Miller, much. Not really. She seems like a nice enough girl, whom you and a few of your mates could have fun with at the pub or wherever else the night takes you.

In all seriousness, sort of, Sienna has been labelled as all kinds of nasty things by papers in the US and the UK. There’s some clearing up to be done. The New York Times points the finger of blame at the UK rags, for Sienna being nicknamed ‘Serial Miller’.

The moniker pays homage to her alleged man-eating-vagina. Because apparently being a single girl who goes near more than one male at any point in her adult life qualifies for such a stern title. It not only perpetuated a gem like ‘Serial Miller’ – the tab also travelled back in time to the 1950s, when they were last able to get away with calling women things like that.

The newspaper goes on to clarify that Sienna’s vagina is not as toxic, nor scary, as first thought. It’s only lethal if you look directly at it – kind of like a NSFW solar eclipse.

Sienna is the subject of a profile in the New York Times, which is featured by the HuffPo. This acts not so much as a profile, but as a review of her relationships. They suggest that rather than ho-ing it around, what she wants/ needs to be doing is acting. They even go on to list past loves, and tack on a few she never dated for good measure. Their admission about these additions is chucked onto the end of the piece in a correction section.

From the HuffPo - in a piece entitled ‘Sienna Miller Is Less Promiscuous Than The New York Times Thought’:

Sienna Miller is the subject of a profile in the New York Times this weekend, but the paper initially reported that Miller was more promiscuous than the reality. Miller, who is currently appearing in “After Miss Julie” on Broadway, has had a high-profile love life, first gaining massive tabloid attention when then-fiance Jude Law cheated on her with his children’s nanny.

From the NY Times – whose article begins with this gem:

“SERIAL MILLER” is what the London tabloids like to call the 27-year-old actress Sienna Miller, in honor of her long and well-documented romantic history. Her flings have included Jude Law, Daniel Craig, James Franco and most recently the married oil heir Balthazar Getty, with whom she was photographed topless and in a sailor hat.

Sienna Miller is not so offensive – or one should imagine that she is not – to deserve to have poncy articles full of subterfuge written about her. The actress has blessed us with cinematic delights such as G.I. Joe – ahem. Aside from her movies, she has generally the good grace to not be as in your face, or as asinine, as other actresses (yes, Megan Fox, we’re looking at you).

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who rules the world as far as we’re concerned

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The British actress’ public image took another body blow following her much-criticised affair with married boyfriend Balthazar Getty after vandals wrote the insult on the outer wall of her North London home.

So who would do such a terrible thing? Well, of course, there is the legal wife or several children of the guy she is currently bonking senseless.

Then there is her jilted ex-lover Rhys Ifans. But Hecklerspray would like to make it very clear that we don’t think it is any of these people. Pointing the finger would be just wrong.

Plus the fact that Sienna Miller is so unpopular at the moment the list of possible culprits is too long to narrow down.

Sienna Miller should have just stuck with P Diddy. They were so happy together. He’d treat her like a lady, and she’d giggle at all his fall-flat jokes. Also, he’d send his stooges to bang on the car doors of anyone taking pictures of their secret meetings.

Then again, perhaps Miller should have stuck to Sean Penn. They’d be oh-so happy too – and his wife maybe didn’t care quite as much.

‘As much as who,’ you may be wondering. As much as the wife of Balthazar Getty – the guy she got photographed canoodling with while her nipples and breasts apparently substituted as stress-balls for Getty’s super-tense fingers and palms.

You remember that, right? Of course you do. Everyone else seems to as well. That’s why the Sun says:

“An exterior wall of Sienna’s home in North London was daubed, in capitals, with the word ‘SLUT’. The black, spray-painted graffiti also included an unsettling circular symbol – which looks like an attempt to recreate the sign for Satan. The actress has attracted controversy for her relationship with married man Balthazar Getty.”

A satanic symbol written in black? Then it wasn’t Mrs. Getty – she hates devil stuff. It was Britney Spears – that’s her bag, right?

Not anymore, actually.

Still, it’ll be interesting to see if any slaughtered goats show up on Miller’s doorstep over the next few weeks. If that’s the case, we only hope the animals get slaughtered humanely.

You know, like under the supervision of a licensed veterinarian or something.

Sienna’s crime: bad posture. A topless Sienna Miller, hunched over like a squatting monkey, making wild gestures– just let that image sink in for a second – revokes her standard ‘Hottie Waiver’ when it comes to any moral violations such as adultery. It also subjects her to the standard Dratch Infraction. This, of course, rates the seriousness of how unattractive a woman is compared to Rachel Dratch doing, well, anything.

We’ve been informed that all charges will be dropped if Sienna Miller goes away. Forever. Please electronically sign this post in the comments section to support this cause. You can make a difference!

Sienna Miller. Sure, she’s been in a movie or two, like that hideously pathetic movie where she dates Jude Law, breaks up with him for cheating on her, gets back together with him, then breaks up a few more times… wait, that wasn’t a movie? That was her real life? Yikes.

Anyway, having been in a relationship where she was apparently cheated on, it’s time for Sienna to take her turn as the other woman, as she seems to have entered the realm of dating married men like this bloke, Balthazar Getty. He’s on that TV show Brother’s & Sisters, so you probably don’t know who he is, but your middle-aged, divorced aunt sure does.

In classic celebrity fashion, Sienna and Balthy have been denying the romance, but that’s much harder to believe now pictures of the two of them vacationing together without much clothing and lots of kissing have come out. Sienna just recently broke up with her boyfriend Rhys Ifans, and before that she dated actor Matthew Rhys.

So, it looks as though Sienna is taking a break from dating guys with ‘Rhys’ somewhere in their name, but don’t expect it to last. The word on the street is that this hunch-backed gal has a call out to John Rhys-Davies, and is expecting his arrival in his sexy Gimli costume any day now.

However, is GI Joe actually going to be any good? Hardly, because a) it’s got Dennis Quaid in it, b) it’s got The Rock in it, c) it’s got Brendan Fraser in it, d) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, e) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, f) it’s got Sienna Miller in it, and g) it’s got Sienna Miller in it.

However, if anything’s going to give Sienna Miller the fame she’s missed since her boyfriend was caught nuts-deep in childcare worker, it’ll be GI Joe. Not because GI Joe is going to be a good movie, but because Sienna Miller gets to dress up like a sub-Beckinsdale bondage fetishist and stagger about covered in blood in it. The girl knows how to spend the rest of her swamped by stinky boys in comic book conventions, that’s for sure.

If you do want to see on-set pictures of Sienna Miller dressed as The Baroness for the new GI Joe movie, the Daily Mail has a bunch of them. Remember, though, don’t get too excited – it’s still Sienna Miller we’re talking about here.

If you've seen Sienna Miller in action for even a couple of seconds, you'll realise that she's such an unashamed publicity-whore that she'd hump a goat on a waterslide if it resulted in any amount of newspaper coverage. But despite being this colossal attention-hoover, Sienna Miller actually hates it when people take her photo, and is happy to go to court to tell everyone about.

Sienna Miller was in court yesterday blathering on about how the paparazzi 'hunts' her, to help an upper-class tosswipe friend who was facing a paparazzi-related criminal damage charge. And to back up her attack, Sienna Miller has vowed never to be in another newspaper agai… oh, sorry – we got real life confused with wishful thinking for a second there.

Different celebrities have different ways of dealing with the paparazzi. Some get violent, some get litigious and some have gigantic emotional and physical breakdowns right in front of them to make them feel guilty. Sienna Miller, though, has different plans. 

Because, make no mistake, Sienna Miller is a paparazzi target. That's not because of her skills as a talented actress, mind you, but because she possibly broke up Sean Penn's marriage and maybe did it with Diddy seconds after his girlfriend gave birth to twins, and because you can't open a newspaper these days without seeing a picture of Sienna Miller sucking her cheeks in and bobbing up and down a red carpet like a well-groomed approval-craving pony.

And because, you know, the only way that Sienna Miller can get people to talk about her films is if she has a load of semi-convincing naked sex in them.

Anyway, although Sienna Miller would obviously lick a tramp's forehead if she thought someone would take a picture of it, in reality she hates having her picture taken, especially when she's leaving a nightclub and the paparazzi is following her around. And Sienna Miller has been to court to inform everyone about this.

You see, Sienna Miller is friends with obnoxious upper-class twerp Otis Ferry, and he was in court for hiding a photographer's car-keys after last year's Baftas. So, naturally, Sienna Miller popped along to defend Otis by saying what a nasty bunch of yobs the paparazzi were to her when she left a nightclub with Otis on the same night. According to The Telegraph:

Miller told the court: "We were all quite shocked at the way they were driving. The reason they were being that reckless is that they wanted to find out where I lived, which makes you feel quite hunted as a woman." Miller said she, her friend Brad, Ferry and his brother Isaac, left Boujis at about 4.30am and were confronted by "aggressive" paparazzi. Describing her fear as she ran to her car, Miller said: "In any situation if you are a woman and you are running and there are men chasing you, it's a threatening situation."

Otis Ferry was eventually cleared of criminal damage, and then called for a new law banning the paparazzi from taking photos of famous people. Which we'd actually be OK with, because there's a pretty good chance that Sienna Miller's career would wither up if that ever happened. And anything that stops Factory Girl 2: My, What A Sexy Ghost! from being made is a-OK with us. 

Alternatively, if the paparazzi is really such a life-threatening menace to Sienna Miller, she could always try a different, lower-profile job. Like being a recruitment consultant. Sienna certainly seems self-centred and pushy enough for that.

Or – and this is the solution we're going to plump for – since Otis Ferry loves hunting so much, and Sienna Miller constantly feels hunted, why doesn't Otis hunt Sienna? Literally hunt her, with dogs and horses and guns. In a minefield. On the moon. We'd like that.

Read more:

Sienna Miller 'felt hunted' by Bafta paparazzi – Telegraph 

But imagine if you're married to Sean Penn and all of a sudden Sienna Miller starts openly flirting with him. Would you smash Sienna's pointless little face in? Would you just be thankful that he'd stopped the war-ranting for a handful of joyous seconds? Or would you just divorce Sean Penn?

Sean Penn's wife did the last one, apparently. Lazy bitch – she could have at least tried the first one while she was at it.

Sienna Miller might not have ever been able to make a film that didn't make us want to squeeze our fists up our nostrils and rabbit-punch our brain to death, but that isn't to say that she doesn't have any other special talents. For example, it looks an awful lot like Sienna Miller can plough through famous cock like a combine harvester operated by a grinning toddler jacked up on Red Bull.

In the last couple of years Sienna Miller has been linked to Jude Law and Darth Vader and Leonardo DiCaprio and the dirty-looking man from Notting Hill and Diddy and, of course, her own reflection. But now the well is running dry for Sienna and she's had to get it where she can. And, if reports are to be believed, that means Sean Penn. Even though he looks like an embittered, penniless Mr Punch doll who'd rather stab himself through the heart than ever crack a smile at anything.

Sean Penn split up with his wife of 20 years recently and nobody knows why – aside from the fact that, you know, he's Sean Penn and he probably never did the dishes because he was too busy trying to do an impression of a disabled man for a film after reading a report about how you always win an Oscar if you play a disabled man – until now. Possibly.

Whatever you do, try not to visualise this – we'd hate for you to sue us because you vomited so hard that your eyes popped out – but reports are suggesting that Sienna Miller was the third party in the Sean Penn divorce. According to The New York Daily News:

A source recalls a party in a suite at a New York hotel where they both were staying. "Sienna was sitting on Sean's lap," according the source. "She was dressed very sexily. She had her arm around his neck." That night, claims the source, they stayed up quite late. One Penn friend maintains there was never anything romantic between them. "Sienna is like that with everyone," says the friend. "She's very physical. She drapes herself over people she likes. She doesn't mean a lot by it."

Sienna Miller's slave also denies an affair, calling the rumours "outrageously untrue." So why, then, would she even go near Sean Penn? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that Sean Penn is a big name in Hollywood and a successful actor and director to boot, while Sienna Miller looks like the sort of person who'd burn down an orphanage if it got her one extra close-up in a movie.

Maybe this can all be explained away as a case of Sienna trying to use her feminine wiles to get a part in Sean's next film. Which we'd be totally cool with, actually. So long as it was a sequel to Into The Wild that ended with Sienna freezing to death in an arctic wasteland.

Read more:

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn split up after (Sienna) Miller time - NY Daily News