And this ability has ultimately been Sharon Stone’s undoing. Sharon Stone lost custody of her child recently, with one of the justifications being that Sharon’s eight-year-old son had feet that smelt like putrid bum death, and she wanted to cure this with regular Botox injections into his feet.

However, Sharon Stone has denied wanting to Botox her son’s feet, calling it a ‘complete fabrication’. But on the other hand, she did give him a browlift to stop his sweaty armpits and a brand new set of 36DD plastic boobies to try and offset his chronic farting, so who knows.

Say what you like about Sharon Stone – that she’s capable of astounding cultural insensitivity or that when she dies the picture in the obituary will be of her genitals – but you can never say that she doesn’t care about her son.

Sharon Stone has always wanted what’s best for eight-year-old-Roan. Just look at his feet for example – although he’s only eight, sometimes it looks like Roan has the feet of a nine or sometimes even nine-and-a-half-year-old. And, oh, don’t get us even started on the smell. Roan’s feet constantly smell like – and this isn’t an exaggeration – a thousand dead animals in a swimming pool full of vomit next to a sewerage treatment plant in Africa at midday.

But, as Sharon Stone knows only too well, the best cure for both of these complaints is Botox. She knows this, we’re guessing, because Botox is what keeps people from realising that a) she’s actually 94 years old and b) her face smells uncomfortably of toilet. Ergo, it makes perfect sense that Sharon Stone wanted to Botox her son’s feet to stop them smelling.

This ingenious plan backfired somewhat, however, when the judge overseeing the custody battle over Roan between Stone and ex-husband Phil Bronstein caught wind of it – along with the way that Sharon Stone also invented a nonexistent spinal complaint for Roan as well – and whipped custody away from Sharon Stone as quick as can be.

You have to feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone at this point – who knew that regularly injecting a child’s feet with a form of botulism toxin to stop a naturally-occurring condition equated with bad parenting? – but Sharon Stone has now denied that she ever wanted to Botox anyone’s feet anyway, sort of. E! Online reports:

“This week it was reported in connection with Sharon Stone’s custody dispute that she wanted to have her 8-year-old son undergo Botox treatment at this time for his feet,”  attorney Marty Singer said. “Sharon Stone never made this statement. It is a complete fabrication.”

And that’s true. Sharon Stone didn’t make this statement at all – the judge overseeing Sharon Stone’s custody hearing made this statement, presumably on that basis that there was some form of evidence for it.

But anyway, at least this is all over now, and everyone can go back to normal. Except for little Roan, who’ll now have to grow up with the world thinking that his feet smell like gutrot. But he’ll get the last laugh – one day he’ll seek his revenge by penning a Mommie Dearest-style movie about his bewildering childhood.

True, nobody will watch it because the entire cast will have had their faces Botoxed into complete immobility for verisimilitude’s sake, but that’s something to deal with when it happens.

Of course, once those things were obtained we’d dote on them, treating them each individually with great love and deep respect at least until age six, when their value in the middle east really peaks.

Speaking of which – thanks for the price guide, Amir, but do you have one in the King’s English?

If you think that’s bad – you should see Sharon Stone’s parenting. She wants to pump her child so full of Botox that his seams start to burst. That’s why a judge just banished her to only seeing him two weekends a month or something.

It is a scientific fact that if the Chinese had properly Botoxed the ground in their country, that earthquake that mercilessly slaughtered them a while back would have been much more fluid in its rumbling. Also it would have been far more enjoyable. Fun even.

Likewise, if Stone had soaked all of her fur-based clothing overnight in tubs filled with Botox, then said attire would likely glow with a radiance it hadn’t known since it was living in its glory. Its glory was probably on a multi-cage mink farm, but you get what we mean.

Perhaps Stone doesn’t know it yet – but Botox could be the answer to all of her worries. Actually, maybe she does know it. We actually have no idea what kind of things are getting tossed around her grey matter up there – except for maybe a rudimentary Basic Instinct 3 outline. And possibly wondering what it’d be like to lick an in-store pumpkin she hadn’t yet paid for. Also maybe she wonders why her school-age son’s feet already seem to have so many frown lines and brow furrows. We really don’t know.

But a certain judge sure seems to have a grasp on her mental goings-on. It’s the judge that recently took Stone’s parental rights (or most of them) and poured them all over her ex-husband. His highness the judge didn’t do it without reason though – he did it because Stone wanted to fill her son’s feet with Botox. E! Online says:

“Specifically, [The Judge] took issue with Stone’s mothering prowess and apparent overreaction to [her son's] complaints. “Mother alleged Roan had a spinal condition,” the judge noted. “There was no evidence to support this allegation.” And this doozy: “Mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor.”

We know Stone, we know. It’s gotta be hard living in California with a child that can’t wear anything open-toed without you having to lug around one of those oxygen tank things to keep you breathing OK. They make them with wheels you know. You wouldn’t have to carry it.

But obviously something’s gotta be done – and might we suggest that the ’something’ you try be Saran Wrap. It won’t stop your troubles, but it’ll sure contain them.

And it’ll show the judge you can be a parent without inflicting cosmetic surgeries onto your child.

We hear that’s a real plus in most family courts.

But maybe Sharon Stone isn’t such a fantastic mother after all, because it turns out that she’s lost physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

That’s upsetting. Not for Sharon Stone – she’s old enough to cope with this – but for her son. After all, this means he’ll never get to experience the unique form of schoolyard bullying that comes from having your naked 50-year-old mother who happens to be an intense figure of hatred to the entire Chinese community drop you off at school every morning. That poor boy. That poor poor boy.

It’s hard to see how Sharon Stone’s 2008 could get any worse, really. Sure, she may have enraged the next superpower-in-waiting by explaining that it deserved its horrific earthquake for the way it was sometimes mean to the Dalai Lama, but that’s not the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone this year by far. No, the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone is that next month she’s starring in a Jimmy Fallon film. That’s so awful we almost feel sorry for her.

Oh, and Sharon Stone’s also lost physical custody of her son. But, really, Jimmy Fallon.

Anyway, back to the custody thing. It’s been revealed that Sharon Stone no longer has physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan despite doing her best to turn that around in court. The LA Times reports:

According to the court documents from a Sept. 12 custody hearing, Phil Bronstein “shall have permanent sole physical custody of child. Court finds that Respondent (Sharon Stone) failed to meet her burden of proof and denies Respondent’s (Sharon Stone’s) request for modification of custody.” The judge also notes that this order is permanent unless there is a change of circumstances.

Actually, we admit it, we do feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone here. Having a child taken away from you must be excruciatingly painful. Imagine how lonely it must be to verbally molest an entire nation or have it off with Christian Slater knowing that there isn’t an eight-year-old boy a few feet away with his eyes closed and his hands clamped over his ears wishing he was anywhere else on Earth. It must be really bloody lonely.

Still, you know what this means. It means that Britney Spears needs to watch the hell out. With Sharon Stone losing custody of her son, Britney runs the risk of not being the worst mother in Hollywood any more. If we were Britney we’d be upping our game to counter this title challenge sharpish. And that means one thing – Britney, it’s time to start firing your children out of cannons at helicopters. You know it makes sense.

She then drew up blueprints for a restaurant that would use this as its niche. We told her this was a foolish concept, as nobody would come to a restaurant that only served crackers with mashed Chinamen on them. She said we misunderstood, and that she would use a wide variety of crackers to offer her patrons several palatable options.

And that was the line she used to sell us 20% of her stock. If all goes well, we’ll be able to retire several months ahead of schedule. We actually can’t remember if any of that was true or not. What is true though is that 1,000 Chinese people are on the verge of sueing Stone for one billion dollars worth of stir fried beef and broccoli for her ‘Karma’ comment a while back.

Or did they just want a billion in cold, hard cash? We’re pretty sure it was the latter.

After China got hit by an incredibly violent people-killing, building-destroying earthquake a few months ago, Sharon Stone said it seemed like Karma. Her inference was that the universe was hitting China with a little deadly wrath for the poor treatment of Tibetans.

Many Tibetans, no doubt, agreed. PETA did not.

Neither did China – and neither did some New York lawyer who’s possibly looking for a way to pay off law school real quick-like. Fox News specifies:

“The Basic Instinct star was recently served with legal papers announcing attorney Ming Hai’s intention to sue her for harming Chinese people when she suggested the catastrophic quake last May was ‘karma’ for the regime’s occupation of Tibet. ‘For the families who have lost their loved ones or lost limbs or suffered severe injuries, your … statement and act has caused extreme emotional distress’, Ming wrote, citing the controversial comments Stone made at the Cannes Film Festival.”

Hai has over a thousand Chinese people standing at the ready to publicly announce Stone really hurt their feelings, and only a paycheck with a one followed by several thousand zeros could mend their hearts. Those ones and zeros, of course, would all have to be translated into Chinese characters.

If Ming was smart, he’d strengthen his case all the more by including all members of the western world in with the emotional distress thing. After all, it was them who primarily had to look at Stone’s woo-woo halfway through Basic Instinct.

We know two people who still stay up nights because that thing hovers in front of them whenever they close their eyes – and one of them is our grandma.

No word yet as to whether the Chinese have plans for the one billion dollar payout they intend to seize from an old lady in a foreign nation’s court.

They should probably use it to build something like giant pool skimmers for their sky – and fast! After all, we heard their atmosphere is so thick you could bump your head on it – and that is not something you want your Olympic visitors to go home remembering.

Now keep in mind that quote is with many creative liberties on our part. Nonetheless – Stone rocked the Asian world with some comment that was so dull we’ve long since forgotten what it was. But PETA hasn’t.

No – PETA is still livid. Livid enough to fire off a letter to Stone several months after the fact offering to give her a free brain scan to see if that’s why she’s so indifferent to human life and….(wait for it)… the suffering of animals.

Something must be wrong with Sharon Stone.

No, not because of the stupid Chinese earthquake thing – we mean physically. In all the commercials for Basic Instinct 2 her back just looked a little crooked. Nothing a brace couldn’t fix – and we’d like to tell her that too, maybe in a letter.

We’d better not send that letter now though as Stone’s mailbox may be too full, what with all that CAT scan equipment in there and what-not. Now to be honest the CAT scan equipment is very expensive and costly to use – and PETA knows this. That’s why they’ve offered to pay for Stone to get a brain examination. In a letter from PETA headquarters, animal-lord Ingrid Newkirk said:

“Given that millions of people – including children – were killed, injured, and left homeless by the recent earthquake in China, everyone was shocked to hear you dismiss the devastating effects of this disaster. However, your cavalier attitude did not come as a surprise to us. We are used to the indifference that you flaunt and the callous remarks that you make about the suffering and death of the animals whose fur you wear so often.

“Scientific studies suggest that the prefrontal regions of the brains of people who lack empathy might be underdeveloped. Here’s our offer: Would you allow PETA to pay for a scan of the prefrontal region of your brain to determine if comments and actions that seem to demonstrate a lack of empathy are the result of a physical defect?”

As hecklerspray reads the contents of a letter like that, the first thing we think about is shutting the blinds so that nobody sees us wearing our polar-bear-skin bathrobe as we sit in front of our computer monitor typing on specially-made ivory keys and using a dead weasel as a wrist-rest.

Once we’re sure nobody can see in, we feel much more comfortable thinking about how that Newkirk dame sounds a tad lonely, and that the skin from her back might make a nice pair of mittens for somebody.

And then we think about offering a bounty of ten thousand dollars for a pair of mittens made from the PETA lady’s velvety-soft back.

And then we think about how an offer like that could land us in prison if taken seriously, but that it might be worth it because at least our hands would be warm as we tickled ourselves through the gloves every night as we prepare for slumber.

Wait – do they take away your mittens when they book you into prison?

Well lets just cancel the whole thing then.

The Dalai Lama and Robert Smith both have their own websites, both find an umbrella necessary during monsoon season, both say “let’s go to bed” when they’re sleepy, and both of them are distancing themselves from Sharon Stone.

So, the Sharon Stone thing might be true for the Dalai Lama, but we’d wager Robert Smith would do the same, given the chance.

We’d all do the same, given the chance.

The Dalai Lama is a wise leader, both politically and spiritually, and being the reincarnation of Buddhist masters comes with great responsibility, and right now that responsibility is to stop messing around and finally de-skankify Buddhism.

We’ve all seen it coming, really. After associating with Hollywood in even the mildest degree, there can’t help but be a nasty skanky build-up in one’s religion. So, the Dalai Lama is going for the jugular and starting with the mother of all skanks: Sharon Stone.

You already know, but just to fill in our mother who doesn’t get to read hecklerspray as often as most mothers do, the whole Sharon Stone brouhaha derives from when last month at the Cannes Film Festival, when Sharon Stone took it upon herself to declare that the earthquake in China that killed 70,000 people may be karmic punishment for their treatment of Tibet. In the same interview, Sharon Stone had also squawked that the Dalai Lama and her are grand old friends.

But the Dalai Lama? Yeah, he’s not so sure about all that jazz. At a recent press conference in Sydney, the Dalai Lama seemed to delicately distance himself from his supposed BFF. He said:

“…yes, I’ve met that lady. Of course from a Buddhist viewpoint, every event is karma. Tragedy in Tibet, tragedy in Burma (Myanmar), tragedy in China, all this is karmic … but her particular sort of comment — that I don’t know.”

Our special Dalai Lama translation correspondence course tells us that the Dalai Lama’s statement in pseudo-street terms means, “get away from me, you psycho beast, and take your backasswards nonsense ideas with you”.

Maybe being banned from China and having the Dalai Lama back away from Sharon Stone slowly, cautiously, like a man dipped in steak juice backing away from a deranged panther, is karma’s way of punishing Sharon Stone for, um, well everything, actually. We’ll let you choose which reason is your particular favorite.

]]> http://www.hecklerspray.com/dali-lama-distances-himself-from-sharon-stone-world-desperately-envious/200814703.php/feed 6 http://www.hecklerspray.com/sharon-stone-uninvited-from-chinese-festival-for-some-reason/200814551.php http://www.hecklerspray.com/sharon-stone-uninvited-from-chinese-festival-for-some-reason/200814551.php#comments Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:00:49 +0000 Stuart Heritage http://www.hecklerspray.com/?p=14551 That Sharon Stone, eh? You can’t take her anywhere – primarily because she’ll start jabbering on like a tit about how the Chinese earthquake was karma.

One place you especially can’t take Sharon Stone is this year’s Shanghai Film Festival. Following her remarks that the recent Chine earthquake might have been some sort of cosmic payback for its occupation of Tibet, Sharon Stone’s invitation to the festival has been revoked.

Undeterred, Sharon Stone has decided to hold her own Sharon Stone Film Festival in her basement, and everyone’s invited – except for the Chinese, people who look a bit Chinesey, people who know all the words to Domo Arigato, Mr Roboto and anyone who doesn’t want to watch Catwoman, Sliver, Basic Instinct 2 and Police Academy 4 on a never-ending loop. She probably shouldn’t buy too many nibbles.

Lesson number one of being a celebrity is that tit-tape is your friend. Lesson number two, though, is that you should probably avoid gloating about a natural disaster that’s hit another country and caused thousands of deaths. And if you do, you should probably avoid doing it right after it’s happened. And if you do that, you should probably avoid doing it directly into the camera of a news crew that come from the affected country.

Sharon Stone probably forgot about that particular lesson when she told a Chinese entertainment channel that the recent Chinese earthquake was karma for its continued occupation of Tibet. She must have skipped straight to lesson number three: that adorable little puppy dogs are cute.

But, whatever made her blurt out such a lot of uneducated nonsense, it seems as if Sharon Stone’s career in China might be well and truly over. Despite releasing a sincere-sounding apology for her comments, Christian Dior has dropped Sharon Stone from its Chinese ads and all Sharon Stone movies have been banned from China’s largest cinema chain.

And that’s not all, because now Sharon Stone has been told that she’s no longer invited to this year’s Shanghai Film Festival. The Associated Press reports:

The backlash in China against Sharon Stone continued Wednesday as the Shanghai International Film Festival said the American actress was not welcome at this year’s event. Stone, who walked the red carpet in Shanghai last year, will not be invited back soon, Shanghai International Film Festival spokeswoman Tang Bing said Wednesday. The Hollywood actress previously impressed festival organizers with her charity work and her appearance last year, and her comments came as a surprise, Tang said.

It’s a shame that Sharon Stone’s invitation to the festival has been revoked, because it means she’ll miss out on some of the most up-to-the-minute movies in China – movies like Sharon Stone Is A Twat, I Hate Sharon Stone, Why Won’t Sharon Stone Shut Up and the potential blockbuster Ancient Vagina Lady Makes No Sense.

Still, this Chinese anti-Stone sentiment won’t last forever, especially if Sharon works hard to improve her image in the country by helping with the earthquake relief effort. Time is the greatest healer after all. Well, time and knowing when it’s not an appropriate time to blather on about your kindergarten-level grasp of spirituality, but this is Sharon Stone we’re talking about, so let’s not ask too much of her.

This doesn’t happen often, so make the most of it. After saying that the recent Chinese earthquake, which has killed 70,000 people and left another five million homeless, was the result of bad karma for the country’s mistreatment of Tibet, Sharon Stone has managed to finally issue an apology.

Sharon Stone says she’s so sorry for offending the Chinese people with her thoughtless remarks that she’s going to devote herself to helping those affected by the earthquake however she can. Does anyone else get the feeling this is going to end with a patronising feature-length documentary entitled Damage Limitation: Sharon Stone Cries At Some Chinese People And Insincerely Refers To Them As ‘Incredible Little People’? Just us?

History shows that Sharon Stone doesn’t have the best grasp of things. If Catwoman and Basic Instinct 2 weren’t clear enough signs of this, then perhaps the time she called Germans “naughty” and “nasty” will do. Still not convinced? OK, Sharon Stone may have had sex with Christian Slater. Yeah, we thought that’d do it. We’re all on the same page now.

So, given that she’s a pretty dreadful judge of, well, everything, it wasn’t really a surprise when Sharon Stone called the Chinese earthquake ‘karma’ for not giving independence to Tibet. A week after it happened. To a Chinese TV crew. On camera. Just because it’s so staggeringly ill-judged, here’s what Sharon Stone said again:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Retribution – or is that karma? – was swift. The largest chain of cinemas in China instantly banned all Sharon Stone movies from being shown, while it’s also been reported that Christian Dior is removing Stone from all its advertisements in the country, and Louis Vuitton is considering doing the same.

So, with so much furious criticism thundering around her, Sharon Stone has done the inevitable and released a statement apologising for possessing roughly as much basic intelligence as an infant. We’re paraphrasing – here’s what Sharon Stone actually said:

“Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people. I am willing to take part in the relief work of China’s earthquake, and wholly devote myself to helping affected Chinese people.”

And, lest you doubt, this is the most heartfelt and sincere apology a celebrity can give – the apology that can only come when a number of huge companies threaten to stop paying you endorsement deals because you’ve fucked off an emerging superpower. Sharon Stone has never meant anything more than this apology in her entire life, we’re sure.

And perhaps this experience will help Sharon Stone as a person, too. For starters it might mean that her level of interest in any causes extends to more that ‘Tibet good, China bad’, but it might also bleed into her decisions as an actress as well, as evidenced by the way we’re fairly certain that her next movie will be a dramatisation of the earthquake starring Sharon Stone in some racially-insensitive Chinese make-up.

But only if it’s written so that Sharon Stone stops the earthquake from happening by giving freedom to Tibet and then gets worshipped as a god by all the citizens of Earth, naturally. All movies need a hero.

Like the Chinese earthquake, for example. Yes, it may have killed almost 70,000 people and forced the evacuation of another 15 million, but if Sharon Stone says it was caused by bad karma from China’s treatment of Tibet, then it’s obviously true. If anything, the Chinese people should be thanking Sharon Stone for her clearsighted understanding of the disaster.

But it isn’t. In fact, one Chinese cinema chain is so outraged by Sharon Stone’s karma comments that it’s decided to ban all her movies, depriving the Chinese people of surefire future blockbusters like Streets Of Blood and Five Dollars A Day. Maybe we should move to China.

Nobody really knows for sure whether karma actually exists or not, but we’ll soon find out. If, for instance, Sharon Stone is sunbathing in her garden and she’s inexplicably speared through the heart by a giant frozen piss icicle that’s been ejected from an aeroplane 30,000 feet up, then there’s a pretty good chance that karma is real after all.

Because if karma does exist, then Sharon Stone has to be pretty near the top of the payback list at the moment, for effectively claiming that we shouldn’t worry about the unthinkably tragic recent Chinese earthquake because everyone in China had it coming. Honestly, this is what Sharon Stone said:

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

Oh, by the way, did we mention that Sharon Stone said this to Hong Kong’s Cable Entertainment News? She actually said it to some Chinese people. There’s no word as to whether or not Sharon Stone then put a lampshade on her head, made her eyes all squinty and rolled around on the floor screaming “Ah! Me so solly! I am lesponsible for this tellible tlagedy! Ching chong ching chong!” to try and further get her point across, but we wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, the Chinese are furious at Sharon Stone’s complete lack of any sensitivity surrounding the earthquake. So much so that Ng See-Yuen, founder of China’s biggest cinema chain, UME Cineplex, has decided to ban all future Sharon Stone movies from every one of his movie theatres.

Still, our message to the people of China is this – look, you have every right to hate Sharon Stone. Really, you do, she’s a fucking retard. Her mouth should be sewn up and she should be set on fire and chased around town by a gang of wild animals. She’s an idiot. But, deep down, you should be thankful that a sanctimonious, badly-informed, spiritually whorish turdhole like Sharon Stone has decided to turn her back on you in your greatest time of need.

Because, seriously, the alternative involves her writing you one of her shit-awful charity songs. And you’ve already been through enough misery for that.