There really is something special about a girl with a guitar who can knock out a song you would actually not be ashamed to own on your iPod.

But, why? Is it because, unlike their Hollywood counterparts, they actually have some kind of talent? Or is it because, unlike their Hollywood counterparts, they remind you of the smart girl at school who suddenly became really hot in later years?

Or could it be because, unlike their Hollywood counterparts, they are the kind of girls you might possibly, possibly, possibly have a chance with? That is, of course, if record sales are down and you are the only straight guy who actually goes backstage to tell them how much you like their music.

Now, we know what you are thinking – and we agree. The concept of an ‘indie’ music genre has become so blurred nowadays it’s become almost obsolete. But we needed an easy tag to stick all these sexy girls under, and this one seemed the most appropriate.

It could equally be called ‘The 28 Sexiest Women Who Can Knock Out A Tune [Usually Involving A Guitar] That we Would Not Be Ashamed To Have On Our iPods‘, but we thought it might be too long.

Besides, to show the age of some of our writers, we have even included some artists who were even around at a time when ‘indie music’ actually meant something.

As always, not that you need any encouragement you miserable bastards, please tell us your suggestions.

28. Lovefoxxx (CSS)


27. Neko Case (The New Pornographers)

26. Melissa Auf de Maur (Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins)

25. Tegan Rain Quin and Sara Keirsten Quin (Tegan and Sara)

24. Maura Davis (Denali, Ambulette)

23. Nicole Atkins (Nicole Atkins & the Sea)

22. Whitney McGraw (Page France)

21. Juliana Hatfield (Blake Babies, The Juliana Hatfield Three)

20. Maria Taylor (Now It’s Overhead, Azure Ray, solo)

19. Hayley Williams (Paramore)

18. Maya Arulpragasam aka M.I.A.

17. Annie Clark aka St. Vincent (The Polyphonic Spree, Sufjan Stevens)

16. Charlotte Hatherley (Ash, Client)

15. Aimee Mann

14. Geike Arnaert (Hooverphonic)

13. Kazu Makino (Blonde Redhead)

12. Liz Phair

11. Tanya Donnelly (Throwing Muses, The Breeders, Belly, Solo)

10. Emily Haines (Metric, Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton and Broken Social Scene)

9. Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth, Harry Crews, Free Kitten)

8. Bjork (Sugarcubes, solo)


7. Alison Mosshart (The Kills)


6. Joanna Newsom


5. Hope Sandoval (Mazzy Star)

4. Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley, solo)

3. Leslie Feist (Feist, Broken Social Scene, By Divine Right)

2. Katrina Kerns (Sufjan Stevens)


1. Cat Power

It must be true, because Hugh Jackman has just been named as People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But wasn’t Matt Damon named the sexiest man alive by People magazine last year?” And the answer is yes. Yes he was. But following Matt Damon’s tragic death before the release of The Dark Knight this year, it’s time to pick a new Sexiest Man Alive. And that man is Hugh Jac… wait, we were thinking of Heath Ledger weren’t we? Whoops.

Anyway, why is Hugh Jackman People’s Sexiest Man Alive? Because he’s got a film out, that’s why. Any other reasons? Probably not, no.

People’s Sexiest Man Of The Year award has become a proud tradition in recent years – a proud tradition where the list is published on the internet and we look through it as fast as we can before angrily punching stuff because we’re not in the top 15 even though both Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell and Michael Phelps are, despite Michael Phelps having a face that objectively looks like a spatchcock.

But anyway, bitterness aside, it would appear that 2008 would be a good year to be Hugh Jackman. For, having wrestled the mantle from Matt Damon and George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey, Hugh Jackman has been named as the Sexiest Man Alive. And here’s People magazine’s gushing description of Jackman, just to make all the men in the world understand as clearly as possible that they’re gruesome uggos compared to him:

At 6-foot-2, all scruff and biceps, Hugh Jackman looms large in the epic “Australia,” which he says kept him “dirty 95 percent of the time” and left people stammering, “Oh … my … God,” according to costar Nicole Kidman, who adds, “Women’s jaws drop when Hugh walks into a room.”

Well, not all women’s jaws, obviously – thanks to all the Botox that she looks like she’s had, the only way that Nicole Kidman can drop her jaw these days is with the aid of a hairdryer and a mechanical jack – but that’s beside the point.

Of course Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive. Who can forget his sexy magnetism in the X-Men movies and, um, you know, his other films. Like, oh, you know, that film about the magician. And the film where Halle Berry took her top off. And, oh, the film about the rats in the toilet! He was good in that.

And we’re certain that Hugh Jackman will be good in that Australia film that’s coming out. You know, that new film that was plagued by early casting and filming difficulties and that’s been getting some bad early reviews lately and would probably do anything to get some decent publicity, even getting their star named in a magazine’s pointless list of sexy actors.

Yeah, we’re sure he’s great in that.

And, yes, it’s bitterness. Shh.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And yet, despite obviously looking like a sort of cross between the back end of a bus and a bulldog’s floppy genitals, Esquire magazine has decided to name Halle Berry as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Which is just weird because, you know, Halle Berry. Bleurgh. No, wait, we got mixed up – we were thinking of former EastEnders and Heartbeat star Nick Berry. He’s not actually very sexy at all. But Halle Berry is actually sort of pretty.

Anyway, we could be wrong, but in the accompanying interview it seems like Halle Berry equates sexiness with masturbating a lot. There’s hope for us yet!

We’re coming to learn that when a magazine chooses its sexiest women, it’s more of a reflection of the readership than the woman it chooses. That’s why FHM always stumps for someone like Megan Fox – women who look like third-generation Chinese-whispered police sketches of what 14-year-old boys most like to wank to – while People magazine always goes for Kate Hudson because she looks approachable and is more likely to sell hair conditioner to housewives.

And then there’s Esquire. Marginally more intelligent than other lad mags, Esquire is the publication for slightly more mature men who want to look like they enjoy reading articles on Philip Seymour Hoffman when really they just want to bash one out to all the pictures of Jessica Biel as soon as the wife goes out.

So, as such, it’s only natural that Esquire would pick Halle Berry – a 42-year-old new mother who once harboured thoughts of suicide – as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Because Halle Berry is intelligent, you see. And stylish. And she looks sort of slutty if you take off her trousers and just make her wear a procession of tight T-shirts. Which, funnily enough is what Esquire did.

As we all know, when you’re voted as the Sexiest Woman Alive it’s traditional to respond with a sort of “aw, shucks, me?” shrug that belies the fact that you haven’t eaten anything but slices of carrot since 2004 and you spend eight hours every morning individually moisturising each one of your eyebrow hairs. So that’s what Halle Berry did too, right?

No. Instead Halle Berry kind of acted like she already knew she was sexier than everyone else and then started talking about what we presume to be masturbation.

“I know damned well I am sexier now than I used to be. You know the stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days.”

Well, that’s nice. Any other final masturbation-centric life mottos, Halle?

“Sexiness is a state of mind — a comfortable state of being. It’s about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments.”

Loving yourself. What a nice way to put it. Anyway, Halle Berry being named as Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive isn’t just good news for Halle Berry and randy men, it also sends a very positive message to women, too.

It says that 42-year-old mothers of newborn babies can be sexy too. So long as, you know, they’re millionaire Oscar-winning actresses, models and beauty queens who lucked out genetically and get to live with male supermodels. And that’s everyone, right?

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

Megan Fox scares the life out of us, you know. She’s just a little bit too perfect, almost as if teams of international scientists have spent decades gently calibrating her sexiness with microchips and industrial sanders.

Firstly there’s that name – Megan Fox is the kind of name you give yourself after deciding that Slapper McFannytits doesn’t quite get the message across with enough punch. Then there’s the way she looks – Megan Fox is the FHM world’s sexiest woman, a title she snatched from previous winners like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and 2002’s surprise winner, a greased-up block of ham in a bikini and a sexy wig.

But most of all, though, we’re convinced that Megan Fox is a robot because she only ever talks about sex. Ever. Literally ever. Her factory setting appears to be a constant monologue about her own naked body, and we hear that rather than get her to memorise actual lines, Michael Bay just cut and pasted all of Megan Fox’s Transformers dialogue from a three-hour discussion about how perky and soft her boobs are.

All of that isn’t enough for Megan Fox, though. Which is presumably why she’s gallivanting all over the place telling everyone that she’s a bit of a lesbian and she once had a thing for an east European lady stripper. Megan told GQ:

“She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads… I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Wow, that is sexy. Usually when Megan Fox sees a sexy girl she tends to either want to snap a duck’s beak off with a clamp and a hammer or jump up and down on a binbag full of puppies, but strangling a mountain ox with her bare hands? That’s a brand new level of sexiness we didn’t even know existed.

Let’s hope that Megan Fox has now reached the outer limits of her sexy-talk now, though, because it’s going to be so hard for her to top a printed discussion about a lesbian infatuation with a female stripper. Well, unless that story about her having a greased-up 10-day orgy with the cast of Gossip Girl, three donkeys and midget dressed up as a clown on a yacht shaped like a labia moored off the coast of the Micronesian island of Tittyhooker gets out.

We just pray for the sake of mankind that it doesn’t.

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

There should be a new law enacted that says that famous people must go through a famous people instructional course to teach them how to not be idiots. The main structure of the course would consist of teaching them to always wear undies with a short dress for a night on the town, never let your husband make a movie with Angelina Jolie, and a full semester on how to not let scandalous photos and videos into the hands of money whoring perverts.

The most optimal solution would not be to make them at all, because even if the photos never make it to the press, we all now know they exist, and it makes for a ridiculously exhausting time trying to block any and all images that may be conjured up.

Especially when the photos in question involve a pasty-skinned royal and his girlfriend. According to Great Britian’s The Sun, a couple of guys tried to sell photos of Prince William and his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, to the paper an hour after the camera was reported missing. Reportedly, Kate Middleton’s presence in the pictures is assumed at this point, seeing as Price William’s teeth obscure most of her face in all of the shots.

According to The Sun, the pictures apparently held some “sexy snaps” of the couple on vacation in the Caribbean. It seems that any other detailed alliterations were withheld before the publication turned the photos in to London’s Metropolitan Police.

We hope that Prince Willy and his girlfriend will be more careful in the future. Additionally, we hope and pray that any photos of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles that may exist will never be revealed, but since any pictures of them probably disintegrate instantly, we should all be safe.

Right? We’re safe, right??

She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business – Penelope Cruz – then, well, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you went and told Scarlett she was talking a great big pile of crud.

The kiss they shared wasn’t a subtle ploy to distract everyone in the world from the fact that all the Hollywood types seem to be getting struck down with one illness or another. No, it’s just a part of that new Woody Allen film, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which is clearly going to be a great big bag of balls.

Aside from the scene in question, of course.

Yes, the thrilling news that Woody’s film wasn’t laughed off at Cannes – far from it, it received a thirty-six hour standing ovation or something – has got a lot of people convinced it’s for one reason and one reason alone, and the ethereal lifeforce that is hecklerspray agrees wholeheartedly: hot lesbian action.

But while most red-blooded males and, let’s face it, a hell of a lot of females, gay men, transexuals, hermaphrodites and everything else inbetween agree with the theory that ol’ Woody is using the technique of making two beautiful women lezz off on screen purely to get some artificial buzz surrounding the flick, the women themselves seem oblivious to the fact that it’s a really, really brilliant marketing ploy.

Speaking to some people who were trying not to gawk at her that little bit too much, Scarlett Johansson said:

“There were 60 crewmen eating salami sandwiches. It’s really the least sexy thing you can ever imagine.”

Actually, we can imagine something a lot less sexy, it’s just we’re not allowed to mention it here by law. There have been problems in the past that hecklerspray can’t really re-visit, unfortunately. Needless to say, salami is the last of the things to be worried about.

Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, took an altogether different view of things – speaking to some other people, or they might have been the same ones, we’re not really sure, the star of hecklerspray favourite Chromophobia said:

“We didn’t talk about it much, then Woody told us how the shot was going to be, but Scarlett and I don’t have any funny stories to tell about it. It felt [like] nothing, nothing happened.”

See – it’s always the same. Those that get all the breaks in life don’t bloody well appreciate it, whereas those underdogs who would take pleasure in the situation are forced to sit back and watch. Actually, come to think of it that’s pretty win-win, so we’ll stop complaining now.

Good lord it’s a slow news day.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy”. Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

It’s great that Coldplay are back, isn’t it? Really, we’re not joking – if there’s one thing we enjoy it’s the sight of a band cartwheeling around on an iTunes advert in silhouette, so we don’t have to look at their shameful apologetic faces during it.

And make no mistake, Coldplay are back. Their new album Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends comes out on June 12; the band’s next step in their interminable ‘write album/ claim album is best album ever/ release album/ disown album/ write album’ recording cycle. The first single from the album was downloaded by two million mostly underwhelmed people, so everything’s in place for it to be tediously ubiquitous once it comes out.

And Coldplay aren’t taking any chances with this one, either – as well as free downloads and iTunes adverts and vinyl singles glued to magazines, the band wants to make sure that Viva La Vida doesn’t cause any adverse reactions – like making people involuntarily vomit and cry and deliberately shun all forms of human intimacy for the rest of their lives. And that’s why a duet that Coldplay recorded with Kylie won’t be appearing on the album.

Yes, Coldplay recorded a duet with Kylie. Apparently, it’s ‘too sexy’. We’re scared too. The Mirror reports:

Chris Martin has revealed Coldplay’s collaboration with Kylie will be released next year because it was too sexy to include on their new album. When he was asked why it didnt make it on to latest record Viva La Vida, he said: “Well, its just too sexy. At this point, we cannot be that sexy, also we haven’t quite finished it. It’s a song called Lunar and Kylie is particularly brilliant on it.”

Mmm, sexy. A scrawny-looking vegetarian who names his children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures singing a saucy song with a 40-year-old midget whose face increasingly resembles the Scream mask with a prolapsed eyebrow.

Thank God Coldplay didn’t release it – just think of all the spontaneous municipal orgies that’d happen every time it got played on the radio. Really, their concern for public hygiene is second to none.

Don’t get too comfortable, though, because Chris Martin is adamant the Kylie collaboration will be released on a record planned for the future. That record – Coldplay Sings The Songs That’ll Make You Sit In The Corner Of A Room In The Dark Trying To Claw The Repulsion From Your Skin With Your Fingernails – is due out next year, by the way.

Well, maybe not. Maybe you’ll have been too busy noticing how much enjoyment Michael Bay was taking in stomping all over your beloved childhood memories by filling the movie with piddle jokes and confusing Ebonics-speaking robots who enjoy watching teenagers have sex. Anyhow, Megan Fox was also in Transformers and she was sexy.

And that sexiness is official, because the results of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women In The World poll has just been released, and Megan Fox is number one. Congratulations, then, to Megan Fox, who can now go to sleep at night knowing that more gawky teenage boys furiously masturbate to disturbing imagined adolescent sexual scenarios involving her than anyone else. Masturbate and then cry. Or is that just us?

There’s no doubt that Megan Fox has a huge future in Hollywood. If she plays her cards right, there’s nothing  to stop Megan Fox from becoming the new Angelina Jolie. She could be bigger than Angelina Jolie, even, because she doesn’t go on TV and get all ‘boo hoo hoo’ about starving Africans all the time.

Megan Fox is certainly sexy enough to become a huge star, because she’s just been named as FHM’s sexiest woman in the world – the premier poll to help teenage boys develop life-long ingrained unrealistic expectations of women… in the world.

We know, we know – just last month we were telling you that Katherine Heigl was the sexiest woman in the world and now we’re telling you it’s Megan Fox. But don’t be confused – Heigl came top of a poll of ideal potential girlfriends, whereas Megan Fox has won a poll of women who lonely men would like to sleep with once but never enter into a lasting relationship with because trying to have a conversation with them would be like trying to have a conversation with a brain-damaged monkey. Subtle difference. Anyway, The Associated Press reports:

Megan Fox is the sexiest woman in the world — at least according to FHM magazine… Fox debuted on the annual list in 2006 at No. 68 and ranked at No. 65 in 2007. Joining her in the top 10 this year are — in descending order — Jessica Biel, Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff, Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively and Kate Beckinsale. Britney Spears came in last place at No. 100.

That’s quite a list for someone as young as Megan Fox to come out on top of. It also goes to show what sort of a career Megan Fox can expect to have with all this new-found male attention – she can either go the way of 2007 winner Jessica Alba and make a string of massively unsuccessful movies or she can go the way of 2006 winner Scarlett Johansson and make, um, a string of massively unsuccessful movies. The sky’s the limit, Megan!

Oh, OK, we shouldn’t be too hard on Megan Fox. It’s not her fault that she’s pretty, is it? And maybe one day she’ll even prove that there’s more to her than looking like a dead-eyed, quite expensive inflatable sex doll. Let’s not forget that nine million men voted in FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women list, and you know what they say – nine million men can’t be wrong. Unless they all read FHM.

Read more:

Megan Fox tops FHM’s sexiest women list – AP

Seriously, although she's screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren't we in FHM's 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

Admit it – when you saw Heather Mills on GMTV that time squeaking out the word 'paedophile' over and over again like a morally outraged chinchilla, your first thought wasn't "My, this woman's gone doolally," but "PHWOOOAR!"

And instead of using your hands to cover up your face the first time you saw that picture of Heather Mills pointing at a pig, you clenched your fist and started doing that sex-pump thing that happens a lot in British 1970s sex comedies starring Robin Askwith.

No? You didn't? You saw Heather Mills' wonky mouth that's never learnt how to smile convincingly and wondered what Paul McCartney ever really saw in her? Us too. But if we're all busy thinking that, then who's been voting for Heather Mills in FHM's annual 100 sexiest women list?

Well, teenage boys, obviously, because a) it's FHM and b) you could grease up Nick Nolte, pop him in a bikini and most teenage boys would be able to grit their teeth and force out at least one solitary grim wank over the ensuing pictures if they ever got in FHM. But we're straying from the point. Heather Mills is sexy and it's downright confusing. OK reports:

Heather Mills could be named one of the world’s sexiest women, thanks to her bitter divorce battle. Astonishingly, she is beating actress Kirsten Dunst, 25, singer Gwen Stefani, 38, and Paris Hilton, 27, in a major poll… It will give her a boost as she waits to hear how much a court awards her in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney, 65. FHM’s Chris Bell said: “With her power suits and model looks, thousands have realised Heather’s about to become the world’s most eligible – and richest – single woman.”

Power suits? Model looks? Perhaps Chris Bell meant 'constant infuriating facial expression' and 'willingness to take her clothes off for cash', unless he's describing a different Heather Mills that we don't know about.

But what the hell, let's just along with FHM's sick little ruse. Perhaps millions of boys really do find Heather Mills sexy. Perhaps they long for the day when Heather Mills accuses them of stabbing her with a wineglass before claiming to need £10,000 a day from them to survive. Perhaps they long to be that red jelly penis from Freuden der Liebe that Heather Mills seemed to find so delicious 20 years ago. Perhaps, basically, young people are idiots.

However, let's not underestimate the continued animosity between Heather Mills and Paul McCartney. Paul is bound to be distraught at all the positive publicity that FHM is handing to Heather Mills, and a fightback is inevitable. So look out for the April issue of Simply Knitting magazine, where we hear he's leading the pack in its 100 Sexiest Men Who Look More And More Like Your Elderly Grandmother With Every Passing Day list.

Read more:

SEXY HEATHER'S A PIN-UP! – OK 

And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant – her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It's a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man's child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.

As Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera have shown, it's highly fashionable at the moment to be very obviously pregnant but remain silent about it, thinking that you're creating an aura of mystique around yourself without realising that people just think you've been pigging out on bus-sized deep-fried cheesecakes instead.

But Jessica Alba isn't very fashionable – see also how she's shunned the current trend for making films that aren't so terrible that they make people try and blind themselves with their fingertips after about 15 minutes – which is why she's announced that she is pregnant nice and early, before anyone even had time to spread malicious rumours about her sudden weight-gain.

According to her slave Brad Cafarelli:

"I can confirm that Jessica and Cash are expecting a baby in late spring, early summer."

Cash, of course, is Cash Warren – the director's assistant who Jessica Alba met while filming The Fantastic Four. Cash Warren is also the man who Jessica Alba dumped four months ago, possibly because even she kept having to look him up on IMDb just to see who he actually is.

But, hey, it seems like Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are sufficiently back together for him to make her pregnant, so we wish the both of them and their unborn baby all the luck in the world. Especially Jessica Alba, because whatever she might think, her film career is based on three things: 1) how good she looks in a bikini, 2) the prospect of her movie career failing so dismally that one day she'll be forced to gratuitously remove her bikini in a film and 3) the way that Jessica Alba doesn't stagger around with matted hair and bags under her eyes complaining that her breasts are tender and she's long-since lost the ability to control her bladder effectively all the time. When she has a baby, it'll be interesting to see if she can maintain her old sexy reputation.

Actually, we're sorry for that last remark. It's wrong of us to assume that a young woman can lose all trace of her sensuality just because she's got pregnant and given birth to a child. In many ways, pregnancy and motherhood can even enhance a girl's sex appeal. Just look at Britney Spea… oh, never mind.

Read more:

Jessica Alba Is Pregnant - People 

Randy T was recently handed the title 'King of Sex' by Rolling Stone magazine in exchange for backstage tickets to see him in action. Timberlake told Barbara Walters on her 10 Most Fascinating People special that he will defend his title to the death. Clooney and Pitt have taken this challenge seriously and arranged for a no-holds barred celebrity battle royale. Each of them will take it in turn to beat off as many men as possible to preserve the sanctity of their ring. The celebrity will the longest staying power will receive the coveted 'King of Sex' title belt. 
However, it seems that the princess of pop may have a few tricks up his ludicrously expensive designer sleeves, proclaiming to the world (via Walters):

"I'll hold onto that title for as long as I can. Brad, George, you guys may be on the most beautiful whatever, but I'll eat your hearts out!"

Justin Timberlake's previously unknown cannibalistic tendencies may just get the drop on his opponents. It is believed that Timberlake learnt this heart-eating technique on a recent visit to Papua in Indonesia. A spokesman from the Korowai tribe commented that by eating part of their victims, the cannibal gains their abilities. It seems Timberlake hopes to acquire the very features which have made his rivals so desirable, Clooney's silvery mop and Pitt's well defined groin. Rumours have also been circulating that the German Cannibal Armin Meiwes will be granted a temporary release from prison and fly over to Vegas to act as referee.

However, with Clooney's medical experience and Pitt's face-crushing Fight Club skills, Timberlake will by no means be ensured an easy victory. We can only hope all three suffer several facial damage, if this is the case the title will be automatically given to John C. Reilly. Let battle commence.

Read more:

Justin Timberlake: I'm Hotter Than Brad Pitt, George Clooney - Transworld News

[story by Philip R. Barry]

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we – like all other men if they're honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.

Now that he's stopped making hilarious films about the exploits of two cojoined twins, Matt Damon has started to get taken seriously. After his turn in Oscar-winner The Departed and box-office destroyer The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon has hardly put a foot wrong, aside from Ocean's Thirteen which was so awful that it made us want to smack the eyes out of our faces.

And how is Matt Damon being rewarded for his new-found megastardom? By coming first in a number of ultimately meaningless surveys, that's how. This summer Matt Damon was voted the best-value actor in all of Hollywood and now he's also been voted as the sexiest man alive by People magazine. Sexy and good value? That's like going to Lidl and seeing that their meat salad contains identifiable meat as well as actual salad instead of a just handful of Spam mixed up with  some mayonnaise like usual.

But how can Matt Damon be People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive when just last year George Clooney was given the title, as was Matthew McConaughey the year before that? Well, the truth is that they've both recently been killed. But don't mourn Clooney or McConaughey for too long, because Matt Damon is the new sexy king and by Christ does he ever want to boast about it:

"You gave an aging suburban dad the ego boost of a lifetime. My 9-year-old stepdaughter now thinks I'm cool — well, cooler. At the risk of being forward, if you asked me (which you didn't) I would suggest Patriots quarterback Tom Brady for this award. He's like a taller, better-looking version of me anyway. Plus, he's the best quarterback in the history of football."

Yeah, we're sure that Matt Damon's stepdaughter is thrilled that she gets to live with a man who's contractually obliged to spend the next 12 months preening himself like some sort of sexy peacock in every available reflective surface while living with the pain of knowing that she'll never possess any of his sexygenes.

So, anyway, congratulations to Matt Damon for being crowned the sexiest man alive. Let's hope the award doesn't go to his head and that his forthcoming movies Matt Damon's My My Aren't I Sexy and Matt Damon Sits On A Rock Staring Out To Sea Without A Top On For Two Hours don't get bogged down with his new vanity.

Who are the other men that People has slipped into its Sexiest Man Alive list? Not us, how many times do you need to be told? But, just in case you wanted to know… 

Patrick Dempsey

Ryan Reynolds

Brad Pitt

James McAvoy

Johnny Depp

Dave Annable

Will Smith

Javier Bardem

Shemar Moore

Ben Affleck

Adrian Grenier

Will Yun Lee

Justin Timberlake

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The Sexiest Man Alive – MATT DAMON - People