Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.

Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.

People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.

That’s right, in a bid to make all black girls everywhere feel inferior, Beyonce has been whitewashed yet again.

A new picture has been released to promote her actually-really-boring album 4, with tantalising side-boob action and stockings, if that’s what gets you going.

She also looks pretty much completely white (and also like she might be holding in a fart, but that’s not the main issue here) which is, when you come to think about it, really quite racist.

Just like in 2008 when she was edited down to a light beige by L’Oreal.

These pallid publicity shots kind of suggest that, to sell to a wide (white) audience, Beyonce and her ‘people’ think she’s got to whiten up.

So, you know, a pat on the back to everyone, really. It’s the 21st century and we’re still apparently not willing to buy stuff advertised or made by black people.

Nice one, everyone, really. Well done.

This was an article written by Becca Day-Preston who, in all seriously, will probably kick your teeth inward if you try messing with her. Okay?

Beyonce is, no doubt, about to fill her Facebook with pictures of her baby despite the fact it has no hair, can’t talk, is probably doing a shit right now and essentially, is like every other baby on Earth. New parents are ghastly aren’t they?

Worse still, is that people are constantly asking people how ‘baby’ is before launching into high-pitched squeaking and saying things like “Amoojieboobieboo? Schmookibaba? BABA? Boogliewoogiedoo? Awopbopaloobop alopbamboom!“

So now, Beyonce has given her first interview about Blue Ivy Carter (who recently became the youngest person to hit the Billboard chart apparently… we’re not sure… didn’t Stevie Wonder have a baby on Isn’t She Lovely?) and she won’t stop going on about it. She even talks about Jay Z being covered in faecal matter.

Speaking to Star magazine, Bey admitted:

“Nothing can describe the feeling. You have the instant connection once you know your child is growing inside you, but when you hold it for the first time, the words can’t be found”

The words can’t be found eh? Won’t stop you releasing some awful, saccharine ballad about it all, will it?

When asked about J-Hova, Beyonce said:

“He would not have missed it for anything. He is a very protective and loyal guy by nature. He is a very protective husband, and since we found out I was pregnant I have seen the protective father in him. He is not only an inspirational artist, he is an inspirational husband. I know the next step on his journey is going to be being an inspirational father.”

Jesus Christ! Have you heard yourself? It sounds like Beyonce swallowed a self-help tape during labour! And apparently, Jay won’t be boxfresh, brushing his shoulder for long. He’s going to be up to his famous neck in dung.

“He will change diapers, of course he will. He is going to be a very hands-on father. He has already said publicly that providing isn’t love. Love is being there. Love is doing the little things for your child.”

And, of course, not saying ‘bitch’ in songs. Still, if you’re not annoying feminists, you’re annoying hospital goers, right? Beyonce added:

“Security was very tight but not just for the sake of it. It was for the security of our daughter – that was always the most important thing and everybody involved made it such a safe and smooth process. As usual, certain things have been made up or exaggerated but that seemed to be the story of the pregnancy.”

LIKE A COLLAPSING STOMACH PERHAPS?

Either way, Beyonce is going to have to work twice-as-hard to bring back Sasha Fierce because, as well you know, new parents are nothing more than dewy-eyed, sentimental radishes, blushing at each skidmark and steady-vomit from their gurgling little berks.

We’ve lost her, haven’t we?

Jay Z famously had 99 problems but, a bitch wasn’t one of them. And from now on, bitches won’t ever be a problem because he’s decided that he’s not going to degrade women anymore. And it’s all because he’s had a stupid baby with a stupid name.

Ain’t life a funny thing?

Seriously. The rap mogul has vowed to drop the word from his lyrics after the birth of Blue Ivy Carter. Now he’s got someone to care about, he’s realised that referring to women as bitches isn’t really that nice. Of course, his wife, mother and any other female family member must feel more than irked because he’s been happy to call that lot bitches for the best part of 20 years. There’s more! Jiggaman must be extra sensitive because he told us this news via a poem! A POEM! All this, while someone was naming a species of fly after his ‘bitch’, Beyonce.

In the poem, the rapper wrote in his neatest handwriting:

“Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it.”

He’ll still be using ‘ho!’ though, right? Apparently not! There won’t even be bikini-clad girl in his videos because he went on to swear that he’ll protect her and that the “degradation has passed”.

He writes:

“No man will degrade her, or call her name. I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed. I wish you wealth, health and insight. Forever young you may pass. Blue Ivy Carter, my angel.”

Mercifully, there’s a bunch of other rappers who will still be selling a million records to continue the use of ‘bitch’. And of course, in time old hip hop tradition, we’d like to point out that we’re not being sexist. Ho and bitch are only ever aimed at those women who act like hos and bitches. Okay?

Peace. One love. Big pimpin’.

Oh, and in other news, scientists have just named a horse fly with a golden rear end after Beyonce. No, honest. It’s a rare Scaptia (Plinthina) beyonceae species of horse fly and scientists have said:

“It was the unique dense golden hairs on the fly’s abdomen that led me to name this fly in honor of the performer Beyonce as well as giving me the chance to demonstrate the fun side of taxonomy”

See bitches? Things aren’t so bad are they?

It is testament to how much people hate parents when you consider that, prior to having a baby, Beyonce Knowles was quite possibly the most admired woman on the face of the planet. And now look at her…

EVERYONE HATES BEYONCE.

See, she’s had her baby with Jay Z, sidestepped the fake bump rumours and slapped the name of Blue Ivy on the child, but it was her time in the hospital that has seen everyone go from COO! to BOOOOOO! I HATE YOU! YOU ROTTEN STINKER! And now, there could be some kind of official investigation at the hospital where Blue Ivy came into the world.

Instead of everyone fizzing with post-natal excitement, what we’re actually faced with is an investigation from The Health Department after families claim that they were mistreated while Beyonce was given VIP treatment.

Stupid, hateful Beyonce with her freakum hospital gown on.

Beyonce’s stay at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC has caused a number of complaints, and basically, they claim that families were kept from seeing their newborn babies in the neonatal intensive care unit because they’d been barred by J-Hova and B’s security guards.

As an aside, do you think Beyonce’s howls of labour anguish were pitch perfect?

Anyway, B&J also had the hospital cover its security cameras with tape, which could’ve resulted in nutters like you running around stabbing everyone in sight without fear of getting caught. Good thing this news only came out AFTER the event, eh?

A spokesman for the Health Department, Peter Constantakes, says:

“We have received complaints. Whenever we receive a complaint, we look into it. It’s not necessarily an investigation. It could be a review. Most likely in this case, it would be an investigation”.

Or: We really, really want to meet Jay Z and Beyonce, please.

Trying to land the coveted first snaps of a celebrity baby is something all rags and publications fight tooth and nail for and, boy howdy! We’ve only gone and landed the first shots of Beyonce and Jay Z’s new child, Blue Ivy!

We’re as shocked as you are!

And weirdly, we’ve got 50 Cent to thank for such an honour because he leaked them to us, allowing us to share them with you. Very good of Fiddy to give us such an exclusive isn’t it? Yes it is. Wanna see?

50 Cent shared these 100% genuine images (like it or not, they are images – 100% so) with Team Spreezy and we now get to show them to you!

And as you can see (backed up by Fiddy too), Blue Ivy looks just like her dad! It’s amazing really. We can’t quite believe how much she looks like Mr Jigga.

Fiddy tweeted:

“Yal play to much congratulations to JAYZ and Beyonce BABY #BlueIvyCarter IS GEORGOUS”

“You bull sh*ting they will pay a million dollars for a picture of that baby lol trust me.”

And so, without further ado, here are the first shots of Blue Ivy Carter, as shared to us in good faith by 50 Cent who definitely wouldn’t lie to us about such a thing!

Congrats to everyone, including us.

A father of premature-twins has complained that Beyonce and Jay-Z’s ‘people’ stopped him from visiting his newborns in hospital.

Despite doing nothing more remarkable than what women have been doing for thousands of years and without the help of a placenta-grooming team, Beyonce’s medical needs were deemed so important by her minders that they barred other patients from entering the 6th floor neonatal intensive care unit where Queen B was resting up after giving birth to a child presumably named after a toilet-cleaner.

Neil Coulon accused Beyonce’s hired goons of treating the hospital corridor like ‘an exclusive nightclub’. By which we mean, enforced a strict entrance policy, rather than charging other patients £30, flicking the light switches on and off, pissing on the floor then dousing them in Joop! and pheromones.

Coulon told the New York Daily News:

“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday – just because they wanted to use the hallway”

“They should have been more strategic about it. These are children with problems in intensive care and you’re just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.”

To be honest, it is incredibly hard not to side with B&J on this one; the $750million powercouple are alleged to have blown $1.3million bullet-proofing the maternity wing, Money well spent, as everyone knows that bullet wounds are sooooo 2004.

Think about it.

If you spent £30 on a new rug, you wouldn’t even let people walk on it with their SHOES on, let alone allowing sick people dripping umbilical blood, guts, vernix and stuff all over it.

In fact, for $1.3million we would have expected all NHS’ers shot on sight. So yeah. You go B! Besides, did the plebs make a piece of music about the whole thing that sounded like this?

No. No they didn’t. Yes, we know it’s not very good.

UPDATE – The hospital have denied these claims, but that’s not very funny. Either way, we’re adding this so lawyers don’t give us hassle.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik who, frankly, has great legs and fists that won’t quit. It is advised you don’t mess

The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin’”.

Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.

However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.

Rihanna, a woman who is familiar with reproduction, took to Twitter, writing:

“Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih.”

Of course, Blue Ivy isn’t actually the niece of Rihanna by blood, and as such, will find her sexually attractive in years to come. Still, nothing beats X Factor winner Leon Jackson, who tweeted this gruesome missive:

“That lucky baby that gets to suck on Beyonce’s boobs”

Naturally, hecklerspray would like to wish all the best to Blue Ivy Carter who is going to make everything different, and no-one else’s child is ever going to be as good. In school, Blue will have a desk made of gold, but the other kids will still love her because she’s brilliant and she’s made out of amazing people.

Obviously we can’t guarantee that Blue Ivy will go into music like Mum and Dad, but here’s some advice for the immaculate sprog:

• Your parents can afford better than Ark Music. Don’t do a Rebecca Black.
• If you’re going to attempt a modern narrative on feminism, go to Mum. Although… yeah, going to Mum’s better.
• Ladies if you love ya man show him you the finest, grind up on him girl show him how you ride it.
• Don’t ask Dad “What’s the problem? ” because he’s got 99 of them, making you…
• Don’t use the later Destinys Child stuff as a focus. They were way, way better around the “Bills, Bills, Bills” era.

We can all get on with hating our worthless lives now.

This was a guest post by Euan L Davidson who is currently shopping for Roc-A-Wear bibs and nappies.

Beyonce Knowles has been incredibly inconsiderate with all his pregnancy lark. Not only has she had the temerity to appear to have a collapsing, inflatable stomach, she’s also left us prying dimwits completely out of the loop.

WE NEED ANSWERS!

But until then, we’ll just have to speculate. And today, we’re assuming that she’ll be having her baby at 4pm, because she really likes the number four. It’s the 4th  January too. Do keep up. Jesus.

See, Beyonce has an obsession with the number 4 doesn’t she? It’s her lucky number and everything!

She was born on 4th September. Her husband, Jay-Z, he was born on the 4th December. Because of this, they chose to marry on the 4th April.

She also named her latest album ’4′, which is pretty conclusive that this child will be forced out today, at 4pm on the 4th January.

Right?

Want more proof? Beyonce also has ‘up to four pairs of shoes’ according to sources and apparently once ate ‘four breakfasts’ at once. Destiny’s Child also had four members at once and Beyonce is understood to have seen Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol “at least 4 times” with “at least four different people”, which leaves us in no doubt that this baby will be out in the world today.

WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

To those of you who have been tweeting the ether, congratulating Beyonce and Jay Z on their new baby, you look incredibly stupid right now. That’s because Queen B hasn’t had a baby at all. Right? RIGHT?

Obviously, she might not be pregnant at all and is merely waiting for the surrogate to fly from South America next month when the flights are a bit cheaper. She’s got to ditch that inflatable Preg-O-Tum at some point hasn’t she?

That’s if you believe those rumours, which we absolutely do. We won’t believe Beyonce carried the child until we’ve seen her naked, sweating on a hospital bed, with a small human head poking out of her guts. All this doesn’t matter of course because Solange Knowles (Bea’s less successful singing sister) has been shooting down rumours.

Last week, idiots of twitter were cooing all about this baby girl, who Beyonce had named Tiana May Carter. Sadly, it was a work of fiction, leaving fans praising thin-air.

And now, Solange has tweeted:

Shout out to my sister for being THE cutest pregnant woman ever!

Not only that, Billboard reported that they saw Beyonce and Jay Z having dinner on New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn, totally still large of stomach.

So there you have it. Stop praising a baby that doesn’t exist. That’s a stupid thing to do.

What are you? Christians?

Uh-oh! There’s a baby due in New York City! That can only mean one thing! Beyonce is going to have her fake baby bump removed after what seems like only a month of wearing it and some surrogate is going to hand over a beautiful child!

Or, indeed, she’s actually going to force one out of her toot. Unlikely though, right?

Obviously, the story has been that she cleverly concealed her pregnancy before revealing it at the MTV Music Awards… but that can’t possibly be right can it? Effectively, while we like Beyonce’s music, we thoroughly don’t trust her. You’ve heard 1+1, If I Were A Boy and Ego right?

Anyway, B is apparently moments away from giving birth to her first child and nurses at New York’s St Luke’s Roosevelt hospital are said to have been told to prepare for a celebrity VIP. Just like the speedy pregnancy, she could be popping one out as early as TODAY.

We can also assume that the saccharine tribute to her bundle of joy has already been written, complete with lines like “you complete me” and something to do with miracles.

Of course, what with Beyonce and Jay Z being ostentatious, they’ve booked half the floor of the hospital’s Labor and Delivery Suite, which invariably means that loads of other New Yoikers will be giving birth in the street on wallpapering tables, delivered by Doctor Nick (Hi everybody!).

A spokesperson for the singer was unavailable for comment earlier today.

Mercifully, we never ever need an official line from celebrities we’re talking about because, ostensibly, everyone is making this shit up anyway.

Great!

We should all totally start speculating about what she’s gonna call the baby. We’re putting our money on Jermajesty or Sandra.

Beyonce is looking forward to packing away that collapsing stomach she bought while she waits for the stork to bring her newborn into the world. We can only hope she goes a bit Jermaine Jackson and gives it a ludicrous name.

And of course, it is Christmas which will see Beyonce and Jay Z having some time off for the first time in ages.

So what will they be doing? Eating, giving ostentatious and lavish gifts to each other that equate to the third world debt and of course, NOT WATCHING ANY CHRISTMAS TELEVISION AT ALL BECAUSE BEYONCE HAS BANNED IT LIKE SOME KIND OF MONSTER. We have a theory why.

B says that the television won’t be on at all over the festives:

“I will be with family. We are both so busy throughout the year that Christmas is just a time to relax with family and count the many blessings in your life.

*vomit*

“Christmas Day is a no-TV zone. We just like to sit and talk together as a family.”

What has Beyonce got against Christmas television? The California Raisins are usually on, and really, it ain’t Christmas without their dubious racial stereotypes appearing at some point.

There’s also re-runs of old comedies, stupid Doctor Who specials and loads of films. What’s not to like?

Well, if Beyonce has been watching Viva! or somesuch for the past couple of weeks, she’ll know that she can fully expect to be haunted by the ghost of Christmas past.

Notably, her involvement in the awful Destiny’s Child Christmas songs. If you haven’t heard them, you’re in for a real treat.

Let’s have a listen eh?

There’s the woeful 8 Days Of Christmas…

And this…

AND THIS…

Humbug.

Celebrities like to keep secrets from the general public because, where there’s a secret, there’s money to be made. Anticipation can be turned into coins and coins are where it’s all in famousville!

However, there’s always some big mouth to spoil your plans.

And in the case of Beyonce and her pregnancy, Auntie Kelly Rowland has opened her stupid mouth and potentially spilled the beans about Beyonce and Jay Z’s imminent baby. Which is going to be a girl. That’s right. Beyonce could well be showing her considerably less successful Destiny Childer the back of her hand.

At the Cosmo Awards in London, which is the awards show they have were actual celebrities turn up as opposed to hugely important bloggers like us, Rowland kicked her mouth into gear without getting her brain out of park.

Talking about the unborn baby, Kelly said:

“I think her dad [Jay-Z] is gonna give her everything anyways, all I can give her is love.”

Get that? HER. Baby HER. SHE BABY. SHE HER GIRL BABY.

Of course, this baby girl is going to be spoiled rotten. Beyonce and Jay-Z are reportedly building a 2,200 square-foot nursery at their NYC pad.

Kelly continued, littering her babble with the gender of the baby:

“I think she’ll be very well behaved. Her parents will make sure of that.”

So there you have it. Kelly Rowland is a claptrap. The biggest mouth in celebsville. Start saving up to buy ruby encrusted Louboutin bootees for this godforsaken child already.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.

Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.

Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.

Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.

That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.

That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.

Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.

10. Zombie Cowboy

Okay, so they’re not all sexy.

We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.

Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.

Want it? You can get it here.

9. The Kinky Krayon

The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.

Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.

Want it? Get it here.

8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt

Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!

Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.

Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.

7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty

hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…

Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.

Want it? You’re a sick puppy.

6. Don’t Cross the Streams

I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.

Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.

Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.

5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone

In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.

Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.

Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.

4. Mind the Gap!

Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.

Or is that a magician?

Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.

Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)

Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.

3. Cool But Rude?

Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.

Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.

Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.

2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action

It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.

Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.

Want it? If you must…

1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us

What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.

Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”

Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.

So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?

Yes, yes it is.

Have you seen the new video that Beyonce has made? She’s got a new record out called Countdown which is a little off-kilter. It might be rubbish, it might be great… we’ll have to let it bed in or something first.

But that doesn’t matter.

This is about her new video. Cor. Her new, splendid, attractive video where she looks really, really great in a variety of really great ways. Have you seen it? Have you? She looks amazing. Really amazing. Watch it over the jump. She’s amazing.

Beyonce goes through a variety of costume changes… all of which are totally amazing… and she looks really great too. Amazing. So very, very amazing.

She’s got amazing short hair. Then really amazing long hair.

*dribble*

She looks like a ’60s Motown sexbomb at one point. Amazing. Then she looks like Tina Turner, only more amazing. Stupidly amazing.

*takes trousers off*

Then she does an amazing dance routine. It’s the best dance routine ever. Really it is. Because Beyonce is amazing. She so amazing. Really, really amazing.

Have you seen it yet?

It’s amazing. Just… uh… gotta go and sort something… ummm… it won’t take a minute…

*gets off with Beyonce’s new video*

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Katy Perry can’t dodge controversy at the moment can she? When she’s not watching her spindly husband half-heartedly attacking photographers, she’s trying to give Elmo from Sesame Street and erection.

Yes indeed, Perry has caused a bit of fuss after showing the top bit of her boobs on a children’s show, prompting most people in the world to wonder why the top half of someone’s breasts are more problematic than say, having Piers Morgan’s face on-screen at any given point or allowing children to walk around a world that willingly has Sarah Silverman in it.

Perry has responded to the whole incident by getting them out on Saturday Night Live, which somehow, has got her a cameo spot on The Simpsons (that’s when you know you’ve made it).

After showing too much rack to Elmo (who promptly ran away in disgust – you can see it here), Perry is now gearing up to add to her comedic CV with a hugely coveted guest spot with Homer Simpson et al.

This is in addition to her spot on SNL, which saw Perry jiggling her waps whilst wearing an Elmo t-shirt (see video below).

According to Entertainment Weekly, Perry will guest in a Simpsons Christmas special which will see the residents of Springfield joining her in live action as puppets.

That actually sounds like fun.

Perry will be playing herself and she’ll star as Moe’s girlfriend in an episode entitled “The Fight Before Christmas.”

Executive producer Al Jean says:

“In the wake of Elmo’s terrible betrayal, the Simpsons puppets wish to announce they stand felt-shoulder-to-shoulder with Katy Perry.”

Katy Perry seems to be making more and more inroads into acting at the moment, which is all good practise for when she voices the role of Smurfette in an upcoming Smurfs flick.

What do you make of all her acting gubbins? Should she stick to singing? Hate that as well? Can’t make your mind up? Want us to do that for you?

Idiots.

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